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12+

Captain Red

by JellyBeanToe


Captain Red was fierce. Her red curly hair was home to her black hat. She wore red tight pants, and a baggy white shirt with her locket hanging on her neck. Everyone always asked, why red pants? Her answer? "Well lads, it's so people can't see me bleed. You sir have the right idea wearing the brown pants so your friends don't see you sheet your pants as I stab this dagger into your throat!" It scarred most people, but her crew laughed at it. Her son Pip Squeak, nicknamed that from his size, was the only one who new it was a double meaning. Every month for a week, sometimes five or four days, she would bleed outta her woman hood. That was the week she was meaner, tougher, and wore the dark red pants so her blood couldn't be shown. Her son knew there were products for her on shore, but she couldn't take the risk to go on land to get them. Pip Squeak didn't exactly know why she bled every month, but he came to the conclusion it was because she was hard to the core and she needed to be reminded she was still human. Every once and a while she'd cry because she was in pain. Those were the days when he shared some of his stash of chocolate with her. He'd warm up a towel and put it on her stomach. She'd thank him and shoo him away. Sometimes when they were close to shore and the men were going to land, he'd sneak with them. They wouldn't tell his mother, or she'd have their heads. When at shore he went to the nearest store and found some cotton balls and other medical supplies such as string, bandage, and some reusable cloth. He'd steal them of course, but he'd buy a bar of chocolate to make it seem like he wasn't stealing. He would steal more than one bar though. Once out of the shop he'd put the supplies in his bag then go explore. He would go into every shop, maybe he'd buy a knife, or he might see a shirt his mother would like, so he'd stuff it into his pants and hope no one called him on it. Lastly he'd buy more sweets and get other food that would actually count as dinner. He'd walk back to the small boat to see the crew waiting for him. They'd pat him on the back as he showed them his prizes. When on the boat he'd go to the kitchen and help cook make dinner for his mother. He'd then go in and talk with her till dinner was ready. They'd all eat together, her crew and herself, and she be served her own special food. She'd smile at Pip, then dig in. After everyone was done Pip would put mother to bed. Once she was asleep he'd set everything on the chair across from her and have a card saying "From Crew". But what Pip didn't know was that his mother saw him put everything on the chair and write the card, she knew that he was the one that got everything, and she knew that Pip was raised well for being a pirate. If only her crew could act the same.


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359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

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Sun Feb 21, 2016 11:14 am
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello JellyBeanToe (nice name by the way) – steampowered here with a review!

First of all, I really enjoyed reading this piece. I had an inkling of what this might be about when I saw the title and also the “Health” and “Humour” tags, and I thought it was an interesting take on a totally ordinary (yet heavily stigmatised) natural process.

My main issue with the piece is actually not with the content itself and with the formatting instead. For many readers, finding themselves immediately confronted with a huge wall of text is pretty off-putting. I’d really recommend splitting your story up into paragraphs. As a general rule of thumb, three or four sentences is the best length for a paragraph, although you may want to make them a little longer or shorter at certain points if you want to create a certain impact.

Another thing I wasn’t so keen on was how you use a lot of very short simple sentences. Now, I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a parody, as it were, of children’s fiction, but the second part of the story feels almost rushed in comparison to the first. I’d suggest joining up some of these sentences.

So overall, an interesting and original read which is good content-wise but could possibly use a little polishing on the formatting itself.

Keep writing!

-steampowered-




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Points: 719
Reviews: 7

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Sun Feb 21, 2016 8:48 am
na3f wrote a review...



Hi JellyBeanToe,

I've got a quick review for you! First off, I'd like to say this is a really unique piece, and I especially enjoyed the character of Pip Squeak. In particular I really liked this line:

"Pip Squeak didn't exactly know why she bled every month, but he came to the conclusion it was because she was hard to the core and she needed to be reminded she was still human. "

It really characterizes Captain Red's son as innocent but intelligent. Usually for kid's mum is superman (if not God), so it's really nice to see how a child may rationalize what they might perceive initially as weakness for such a tough character into something that gives her more depth. Well done!

I have a suggestion, that I hope will help in the future too.

"Well lads, it's so people can't see me bleed. You sir have the right idea wearing the brown pants so your friends don't see you sheet your pants as I stab this dagger into your throat!"

I have recently watched the movie Deadpool, and these words are almost word for word from the movie. It's a very entertaining piece of dialogue, but I think you could do better and perhaps come up with an entertaining piece of dialogue in your own words? Your story is very creative so it shouldn't be too hard, trust your talent! :)

Other than that, I thought it was a great piece. You used short sentences well, and the longer sentences flowed well too. Keep writing!





"The adventures I enjoy are usually of a literary nature."
— Henry Winchester