I walked in and sat at the corner, everyone stared at me for a while.I freaked out most the time. Suddenly a loud and noisy sound appeared. I was kind of shocked. I checked my cellphone. I realized that I got a new message. Now that tells what was that noise about.
The message I got was from mom. She said she cooked steak for dinner. I put my cellphone in my pocket. Everyone stared at me again. Suddenly I heard someone call my name "Lizzy, Lizzy!" in a whispering way. I looked to the people beside me. I was shocked to see my friend beside me. "When did you came here, Jane?" I whispered to her."Like, a few minutes ago." she replied.
"Mute your cellphone , Lizzy. It's making the guest feel annoyed!" she told me. I took my cellphone and muted it. "Satisfied now?" I said "Very satisfied!" said Jane. I went out to take some fresh air. Jane followed me as I went outside. "What do you want, Jane?" " To follow you? I think." .
After the ceremony ended, Jane and I walked home together. "Are you sure we're going to the right road?" whispered Jane "I hope so. By the way, why do you like to whisper? It annoys me." "Sorry, Lizzy. Whispering is like my attitude, I can't change my attitude." Jane spoke loudly " Don't speak too loud , you idiot!" I scolded her.
I called mom but she isn't answering. I can't enter my house without using the keys. I forgot to bring it with me earlier. I called and called. Mom still isn't answering. I made up my mind. I called Jane and asked if I could stay at her house for a few hours maybe.So, I went to Jane's house.
After a few hours at Jane's house, my cellphone rang. It was mom, she said she was showering and didn't get to answer my calls. I knew she lied. Actually, since my dad died a year ago , mom found someone she liked. She's been calling, talking, going out and text that special someone. So, I think she was trying to find an excuse so that I didn't know what she was doing.
One day, I went to school. I saw someone got bullied, so I tried to help but it didn't work. Instead, I got bullied next. Everyday, I go to school, I got bullied by Samantha. She is the super famous cheerleader girl in school. I didn't tell mom because I don't want to interrupt with her lovey - dovey business. After school, I went home crying.
As day goes on and on I forgot something about me. Jane also knows about this. Today, I got bullied again. I got so angry and suddenly I turned into a cool knight monster. After being transformed, I hit Samantha and her friend with my fist "Oh My God! Someone help me! A monster!!!" shouted Samantha. Everyone screamed and ran away. Samantha's friend also ran away leaving Samantha alone. I punched Samantha many times until she faints.
After that, I remembered. Actually, a long time ago I got cursed by an ugly and greedy witch. She cursed me to be a monster. Somehow her magic didn't effect me so much. Then, I transformed to a cool knight monster. Not long after that, a beautiful and kind witch gave me a potion that will make me human again but if I get so angry, i will turn into a monster again.
Since I've turned into a monster, I can't go to school in this condition. I had to skip school. Jane hasn't talk to me after that incident. Mom would most probably freak out when she see's me."Don't lose hope, Lizzy! Don't lose hope!" A whispering sound that came out of no where. I tried to live with this condition but it's no use. I can't go out, I can't talk to anyone. And also, my voice has changed since I've been a monster.
Suddenly, a handsome warlock came to my house."My name is Edward Jackson. My age is 16. I live nearby the well. Nice to meet you!" said Edward.'oh! He's the same age as me!' I thought "Nice to meet you too!" I replied. "As you see I have a potion to cure you. This potion will cure you 100% to human. It will also break your curse."said Edward thoughtfully. I was kind of shocked "How shall I pay you?" I asked "Hmmm.. you shall pay me by marrying me" he grinned. I was super shocked of what Edward just said.
Mom whispered to me and said "you should agree with his deal though". I think carefully "Okay, I will marry you as the payment. Deal?" "Deal!" he smiled cheerfully.
~ THE END ~
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Correction: In the first paragraph:
"...Now that tells what was that noise about"
It should be:
"...Now that tells what that noise was"
"...I saw someone got bullied..."
It should be:
"I saw someone get bullied..."
Instead of "It's making the guest feel annoyed" you could write "It's annoying the guest(s)"
There are other errors which say you need to work on your tenses. You should be able to know when to write a word in past tense or present tense.
As for the story itself, I don't think you put in substantial descriptions of Lizzy's situation, environment, and her condition. And what's a 'knight monster'? A monster in Knight's armor?
You have such a prodigious imagination. The problem is expressing your imagination in a way that readers would visualize vividly. For instance, as i read the part where you turn into a monster, the mental image I could conjure was juggled up. It was undefined, unrefined and under-described.
I think your story is great, but you need to work on your descriptive ability.
oh wait. i really don't get what this thing is about. your writing is good. but the story is not up to the mark. if you are going to end this abrupt, give some proper beginning that will count for the end. if not give in some more details. it is not like a story. it is like part of a story. if you feel this is complete then may be we couldn't catch up with your view of the story. but i must say you are good at writing. it is really good. but you can do more. redo this story. just add some particulars to give a complete feel to the story. you're really good. so don't leave this story. redo it. good luck. keep going
Hi, JeJeLiLi!
I read whitewolfpuppy's review and your story, and I think I have some suggestions.
First, you have a very interesting premise here. The idea of a girl who is cursed by a witch is not an unusual one, but you seem to have handled it in an unusual way. A good idea is always the first start of a good story: We'll work from there.
whitewolfpuppy commented that the story is poorly organized. While it does not have perfect organization, I think that can definitely be fixed with a little bit of work on the transitions. What you need to decide is if you want it to be a short story or a longer story. If you want it to be a short story, it might be a good idea to take out some of the setting— most of your story works to "set the scene" for your character, but in a short story it's usually best to start with the action. Short stories can be difficult, but in a few thousand words you have to tell the reader what life is normally like, what changed
about it, how the character feels, and how the character is going to fix it.
However, if you were writing a novelette, novellla, or novel, you would have a lot more time to set the stage.
Since this is currently a short story, I will give advice based on that.
First, in a short story you must make every word count. Instead of having Lizzie walk into a room and find her friend there, and then the two of them go for a walk, consider starting the scene on a normal day at school. Have Lizzie walk into the building, meet Jane, and have them start to walk to class together. You can then show the way Samantha bullied Lizzie. Even, if you want, you can have them talk about the person Lizzie's mom is in love with, and so work that into the story. Just remember to keep the time before Lizzie turns into a monster to a minimum, so the reader will not get bored or distracted.
Second, every time a new person speaks, start a new line of dialogue. That's the general rule, and it will go a long way toward making your story easier to read.
Thank you for giving me the privilege of reviewing your story! You've got a lot of potential with this, and with a little polishing, it can shine! Keep writing.
I agree, again I am sorry I was not so focused at the moment. I didn't mean to sound rude either. My IPhone will let me type so much. Thanks.
Okay here's a fact. This is so not cool. I can't even keep enough focus to stay on task with the story! I mean... The paragraphs are way to short and choppy between ideas as well as the story line! You talk about your friend Jane at the beginning and quickly go to someone bullying you randomly one day? How does that work from talking to your mom about someone she is having attraction to?
No offense or anything but this story makes my head hurt and has no plot or organization what's so ever.
Thanks,
~whitewolfpuppy