for ever more

Rydia(?)/Kitty had already mentioned the mistakes, so... Yes, the poem is... Short. It would be great if you could actually expand it. That should not only solidify your poem somewhat, potentially increasing its effectiveness, but also increase its value overall. Hmm... I am confused at how the moonlight sky can change from "sunshine". "Pain" might have been actually effective if "sunshine" were to be replaced with something more appropriate. I also find the whole idea of "forevermore" a little strange... It's truly ambiguous, and why would the sorrow have something to do with eternal pain? Or, as seems more likely, is the sorrow eternal? But I would not believe pain to be persistent in such a way.... And black... Eternal night? Possibly an eternal personal night? Of course, a certainly level of ambiguity is awesome, but would probably prove beneficial if you were to expand on some of these themes more.

interesting!!!!!

It's supposed to be sad, but i found myself smiling at this...maybe because it was really short.... but great description and good job!

Hi there!

Okay so I think you need to build on a few of the images you have here as I don't get much of a sense of what the story behind this poem is or a feel for that 'ever more'. Maybe you were going for a contrast of writing a short poem to describe forever and that's a cool idea, but it isn't quite working.

Specifics

1. Moonlight should be moonlit as you're describing how the sky looks and that would flow more smoothly. Also, try not to put two words together that have the same connotations. Moonlight and mystical are both too similar, it's like saying 'magical mystical sky' and it's too many words to get one message across. Either choose the strongest or use two words that build on one another or contrast with each other. You don't get a lot of words in poetry so you want to make the most of each one.

2. How does the sky look when it's pain and why is there sunshine in a moonlit sky? I feel like you're not thinking about this enough. The sun has obviously gone away so you need to say moon or describe how it appears. Are there smoky purple hues or is it dark and shimmery like velvet? Go outside the next time you get a chance when it's late and look up and see what you think the sky looks like. You need to capture that and then you need to describe this pain and explain why it's there. What's painful? What has changed?

Overall

Mostly this poem needs more details and a bit more thought. At the moment it reads like a five minute write up, but poems should be crafted over time. You should return to an earlier draft and change words, reconstruct the stanzas.

Hopefully this will give you a few ideas! Maybe next time you write a poem have a story in your head first and try to give us the details in poetic form. Narrative poetry is a really good entrance into writing other forms as we're all more familiar with storytelling than verse in the beginning.

All the best,

Heather xxx

While this is an interesting start, I am very sorry to say that it is too short to review properly. Perhaps, once added to, I will be able to write a proper review.
-Fire