Suzy sat at her desk. She could hear her parents bickering down stairs about who they thought was a better quarterback came newton or Elli manning. Although Suzy had no idea who either of them were nor did she what they ever talked about it was always who or what was better. Suzy felt as if she didn't belong In this family she didn't have a southern ascent like her mother father and brother she had a cheerful British ascent like... Who she always had a thought like an incoming wave but then it would be washed away with her answer e's. If only she had something... Then all of a sudden the room fell silent down stairs and she could hear a strange accent she had never heard before maybe Irish it was decently European. The lady sounded young as if she never aged but that was all she could catch when the ladies lips formed words and then she said " we're is the girl?Papa replied I passionately" up in her room" and pointed with a crooked finger towards Suzy's room.
My name is Amanda I used to be friends with Christiana’s mother before she died. Announced Amanda
Although none of what Amanda was saying made sense until she thought about her childhood she did not recall knowing the poppers when he was young but the truth was couldn't remember anything before she was nine years old she needed more Vidal information about her heritage if no one was whiling to help her she would set off by her self besides she was already 16 but first she question Amanda.
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The title made me think it's an investigation story.
Why is Amanda narrating what's happening at Suzy's home? Is she a stalker?
Who the hell is Christina?!
Oh wait, Amanda wasn't narrating? "My name is Amanda..." is supposed to be in quote.
I could point out 5 or 6 or 11 more things that's wrong with this story, but the review would probably exceed the story's word count.
This isn't even a story, it's a bunch of random sentences put together to form one random piece of writing.
I suggest you read novels and get insight to 'basic' story writing principles.
Just saying.
Wow... I agree with the previous comments. This is difficult to read, very, and seems to skip around a lot- at first I thought it was in Suzy's perspective, and at the end it ends up being in Amanda's perspective? This makes me head wheel around and go "Wait, what?" And re-read the whole thing trying to figure it out. It's short, and yet very jam-packed with what I think could be a possibly good start, minus the fact I was very confused with everything that was going on. I also rather dislike (this is just a personal preference) the use of "all of a sudden"... It seems tachy.
Here's one way I would re-post it if I wanted to make it easier to read. Feel free to correct me, because I can't really tell how it should be read, which upsets the reader.
Suzy sat at her desk. She could hear her parents bickering down stairs about who they thought was a better quarterback, Cam Newton or Eli Manning. Although, Suzy had no idea who either of them were nor did she whatever they were talking about.
Suzy felt as if she didn't belong in the family- she didn't have a southern ascent like her mother, father, and brother. She had a cheerful British ascent.
The room fell silent down stairs, and she could hear a strange accent she had never heard before. Maybe Irish, she thought, because it was definitely European.
The lady sounded young, but that was all she could catch when she said, "Where is the girl?"
Papa replied fervently,"Up in her room," and pointed with a crooked finger towards Suzy's room.
--- I'm going to stop here. Because I have absolutely no idea how to continue, because I thought she was only listening to downstairs, which would mean she couldn't see what her supposed dad is doing. Is she adopted? Being fostered? Or maybe a foreign exchange student. I'm completely lost, and hope what I have given up to here has helped. I don't want it to sound too harsh, because every writer has to start somewhere. It's not easy, but it shouldn't be this hard for people to get in to it. I hope you take this in to consideration, and continue to edit this before you go on. It's a good thing to write out a plot line and chapter break-up where you write out the basics of what happens in each chapter. Whenever I'm in a jam I find that chapter break ups help me, so I hope it will for you too.
Good luck!
- Renn
Ahahah, what a story Mark.
Ahahah, what a story Mark.
Ahahah, what a story Mark.
You probably have talent, but I couldn't really tell because of all the punctuation and grammatical errors! It was nearly impossible to read the story. For example, in this sentence, "She could hear her parents bickering down stairs about who they thought was a better quarterback came newton or Elli manning," you would need to add a comma after "quarterback."
Also Came Newton and Elli Manning are proper nouns, and you always always capitalize proper nouns!!
"Suzy felt as if she didn't belong In this family she didn't have a southern ascent like her mother father and brother she had a cheerful British ascent like... Who she always had a thought like an incoming wave but then it would be washed away with her answer e's." What? This didn't make any sense. And neither does "" we're is the girl?Papa replied I passionately" up in her room" and pointed with a crooked finger towards Suzy's room." Where is spelled w-h-e-r-e and I can't tell who is talking! O.o
Anyway, read some grammar books and clean this up a little (a lot) and keep writing. Practice practice practice!! Also, the piece seems like it could be way longer, part of a larger story. It has a fine storyline and once you get your grammar, spelling, and punctuation down, it could be really good
Hey Jcoons! Dogs here with your review today! Ok so looks you have a good general start here and set your self up with a great stepping stone to become a great writer. So firstly a couple problems to address, firstly the grammar in this piece needs lots and lots and loootttssss of work. There are several improperly spaced lines, always remember after an ending punctuation put a space before your next line. Also you have several comma errors and run on sentences that you need to work on. I would suggest copy and pasting this into word and then use spell correct and grammar correct to fix some of the slight issues here. also "vidal" is spelled "vital" and it isn't capitalized. So we'll work on that.
. Keep up the good work!
Furthermore, this story doesn't really go anywhere, all that happens is Suzy's parents argue about quaterbacks and then some girl comes in with an irish accent and wonders where Suzy is. Then you just switch to Amanda, which doesn't seem to have any connection to the story line you have going on. So these two entire story lines don't seem to have any relevance to each other, nor do they have any conclusion. I would suggest that you plan out what happens in your story and your characters and what describes your characters before you even start writing. So then in an outline for this story you'd say "Suzy is a daughter around 16 years old yada yada yada" And then work something out with Amanda and then create a plotline for this piece, it needs a beginning, middle, climax, and end to create a plotline. Start with something simple and then work up with this. I would like for you to make an outline of your plot of what you want to happen and then P.M it to me and I'll read it over and tell you what you need to add and take out. Ok? Alrighty this is a good starting point but you got a long way to go and before you know it you'll be cranking out jaw dropping writing
TuckEr EllsworTh
"Suzy had no idea who either of them were nor did she what they ever talked about it was always who or what was better."
I don't understand this sentence at all.
There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes.
Also, on a side note, every time someone different speaks, start a new paragraph.
"It's kind of short to be a chapter, I'm guessing it's just part of chapter 1.
My name is Amanda I used to be friends with Christiana’s mother before she died. Announced Amanda"
Maybe, instead of saying "announced Amanda", you can put "she announced."
Overall, I like the story line. Keep writing!!
thaks
This story is short. The grammatical errors are -to put it nicely- irritating. Your spacing is incorrect, each bit of dialogue needs its own line, and you should work on punctuating your sentences properly. I apologize, but this story is not worth reading until you fix the errors and make it an actual story. Until then, I am afraid to say that you will not be getting very pleasant reviews. I am sorry to say that this (until further editing) is not worth hardly anyone's time. I'm sure with some work it could turn into something wonderful.
-Fire
kk
Please review this
Not until you space it out properly.
what does that mean
Right now it's just one solid chunk of writing, put a space between the lines so it's easier to read.