chapter one by JazzyBoo97 — Novel / Chapter

Hello there.

JazzyBoo97 wrote:Giselle De Pompadour comma I liked that. I just had to get used to it. I looked out my huge window comma at the things that make up this kingdom. The trees, the people, and now me. I still didn't know who I was really am yet. I only know I came from a royal clan. I sighed comma being a princess was a lot of hard work. I saw a flash of black from the corner of my eyes and knew who it had to be. I saw Royal coming up to the castle. He was dress all in black comma which blend in with his hair. I met Royal a few weeks ago when I found out I was a princess and I had hate hated him from the first moment.. ~~When we first met i hated him.~~ His cocky ways got me so mad. I smiled. But somehow he always found a way to make me feel better. I guess he felt eyes on him because he looked at my window. He smirked as I blushed. I got up and lifted my golden dress and raced down stairs. As I went by comma people bowed comma saying things like 'Good day Madam'. I still had to get use to the princess role around here. As I got near the huge door that lead to the outside I heard my name being called.
"Giselle comma" I heard a sweet voice say.I turned around and bowed.
"mothercomma" I said.
"where are you going?" she asked.
"I was thinking about exploring outside the Kingdom"
She nodded her head.
"just stay inside the perimeter period."
"ok I will comma" I said, while I started to go outside.
"and don't forget I have someone I want you to meet period."
"ok" I said comma walking outside.
I walked and looked for Royal. I didn't see him anywhere. How could he get out of my eye sight?
"looking for me comma" a voice said behind me. I did a little yep and turned around.
"I have no idea what you are talking about comma" I said comma realizing who it was. Royal smirked.
"mmmm right, so who would you be looking for in such a hurry?"
"what comma, I cant look around?" I said lamely. He just kept smirking.
"come on comma" he said. My body got all excited. I liked it when it was just me and him.
"where?" I asked smiling. He took my hand and lead me away. My body was heating up. I could feel my hand sweating.

You have a tendency to change your verb tense, which is a common mistake, but it doesn't mean you don't have to look out for it. I think I have all of your slips up but I'm not sure, so it might be a good idea to read it out loud. Another thing, you don't put capitalized letter when you begin your dialogue. Dialogue is the same as a sentence, you have to put punctuation, and capitalized the letters. I see that Jojo has pointed out some of the mistakes I did above... I'm sorry for the repetition, but I figured that if I pointed them too, you would correct them.

Keep up the good work!

-Other One

Whoa. Okay. Let's slow down and cover a few things first.
Grammar and spelling are in red.

JazzyBoo97 wrote:Giselle de Pompadour I like that. I just have to get use to it. I looked out my huge window at the things that make up this kingdom. The trees, the people, and now me. I still don't know who I'm really am yet. I only know i come from a royal clan. I sighed being a princess was a lot of hard work. I saw a flash of black from the corner on my eyes and new who it had to be. I saw Royal coming up to the cattle. He was dress in all black which blend in with his hair. I met Royal a few weeks ago when i found out i was a princess. When we first met i hated him. His cocky ways got me so mad. I smiled. But some how he always find a way to make me feel better.I guess he felt eyes on him because he looked at my window. He smirked as I blush. I got up and lifted my golden dress and race down stairs. As i went by people bowed saying things like 'Good day Madam'. I still have to get use to the princess role around here. As i got near the huge door that lead to the oust side i heard my name being called.
"Giselle" I heard a sweet voice say.I turned around and bowed.
"Mother"I said.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"I was thinking about exploring outside the Kingdom"
She nods her head.
"Just stay inside the perimeter"
"OK I will" starting to go outside.
"And don't forget I have someone I want you to meet"
"OK"I said walking outside.
I walked and looked for Royal. I didn't see him anywhere. How can he get out of my eye sight?
"Looking for me" a voice said behind me. I did a little yep and turned around.
"I have no idea what you talking about" I said realizing who it was. Royal smirked.
"Mmmm right, so who would you be looking for in such a hurry?"
"What i cant look around?" I said lamely. He just kept smirking.
"Come on"he said. My body got all excited. I like it when its just me and him.
"Where?"I asked smiling. He took my hand and lead me away. My body was heating up. I could feel my hand sweating.

Okay, now that we have most of the grammar over with, we can deal with the structural errors.
They are in blue.

Please ALWAYS remember to use periods at the ends of sentences and capitalize the first latter of each sentence.

JazzyBoo97 wrote:Giselle de Pompadour I like that. I just have to get use to it. I looked out my huge window at the things that make up this kingdom. The trees, the people, and now me. I still don't know who I'm really am yet. I only know i come from a royal clan. I sighed being a princess was a lot of hard work. I saw a flash of black from the corner on my eyes and new who it had to be. I saw Royal coming up to the cattle. He was dress in all black which blend in with his hair. I met Royal a few weeks ago when i found out i was a princess. When we first met i hated him. His cocky ways got me so mad. I smiled. But some how he always find a way to make me feel better.I guess he felt eyes on him because he looked at my window. He smirked as I blush. I got up and lifted my golden dress and race down stairs. As i went by people bowed saying things like 'Good day Madam'. I still have to get use to the princess role around here. As i got near the huge door that lead to the oust side i heard my name being called.
"Giselle" I heard a sweet voice say.I turned around and bowed.
"Mother"I said.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"I was thinking about exploring outside the Kingdom"
She nods her head.
"Just stay inside the perimeter"
"OK I will" starting to go outside.
"And don't forget I have someone I want you to meet"
"OK"I said walking outside.
I walked and looked for Royal. I didn't see him anywhere. How can he get out of my eye sight?
"Looking for me" a voice said behind me. I did a little yep and turned around.
"I have no idea what you talking about" I said realizing who it was. Royal smirked.
"Mmmm right, so who would you be looking for in such a hurry?"
"What i cant look around?" I said lamely. He just kept smirking.
"Come on"he said. My body got all excited. I like it when its just me and him.
"Where?"I asked smiling. He took my hand and lead me away. My body was heating up. I could feel my hand sweating.

* You use "I" waaay too much.Try beginning your sentences differently from time to time. It adds variety and makes it flow a lot better.

Now, let's add spaces.

JazzyBoo97 wrote:Giselle de Pompadour I like that. I just have to get use to it. I looked out my huge window at the things that make up this kingdom. The trees, the people, and now me. I still don't know who I'm really am yet. I only know i come from a royal clan. I sighed being a princess was a lot of hard work. I saw a flash of black from the corner on my eyes and new who it had to be. I saw Royal coming up to the cattle. He was dress in all black which blend in with his hair. I met Royal a few weeks ago when i found out i was a princess. When we first met i hated him. His cocky ways got me so mad. I smiled. But some how he always find a way to make me feel better.I guess he felt eyes on him because he looked at my window. He smirked as I blush. I got up and lifted my golden dress and race down stairs. As i went by people bowed saying things like 'Good day Madam'. I still have to get use to the princess role around here. As i got near the huge door that lead to the oust side i heard my name being called.

"Giselle" I heard a sweet voice say.I turned around and bowed.

"Mother"I said.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"I was thinking about exploring outside the Kingdom"
She nods her head.

"Just stay inside the perimeter"

"OK I will" starting to go outside.

"And don't forget I have someone I want you to meet"

"OK"I said walking outside.

I walked and looked for Royal. I didn't see him anywhere. How can he get out of my eye sight?

"Looking for me" a voice said behind me. I did a little yep and turned around.

"I have no idea what you talking about" I said realizing who it was. Royal smirked.

"Mmmm right, so who would you be looking for in such a hurry?"

"What i cant look around?" I said lamely. He just kept smirking.

"Come on"he said. My body got all excited. I like it when its just me and him.

"Where?"I asked smiling. He took my hand and lead me away. My body was heating up.

I could feel my hand sweating.

Overall, you may have a good story hidden in here somewhere, but all of the grammatical and structural errors serve as a distraction to the reader.
You jump into everything too fast and barley give yourself a chance to add any detail to your passages.
Also, show the reader, try not to tell them too often. You won't need to explain many actions if the reader can feel the emotion.

My suggestion.
Read over your chapters before you post, and take care of all of the grammar that you can see BEFORE you post, so that when others review, they can spend more time on the actual story, and thus help you out a LOT more.

(sorry if I sound harsh)
Keep on writing!
-------------------------------
-jojo.

chapter one

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