Chapter One

by JaymeBurrows

Published October 23, 2017

E - Everyone

In Coming Soon

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 The snow had long since melted by now, nearly two seasons later. Fingers of green pushed through the damp black soil. The only snow left was caked against the walls of the small cottage where an old dwarf and a very special child rested.

A child in which had woken up just moments before.

She, however, didn't cry as most hungry children would. No, she simply sat in the little bed that Marik had made her from a simple wooden crate. The crate was lined with furs and the cloth she had been found bundled in.

The child, who Marik resorted to calling 'Azaray', or 'frozen ice' in Valnierian, sat quietly in her crib. She gazed around the single roomed cabin. First to the little wood stove near the door, then to the sleeping Marik to her right, snoring away his his dwarf-sized bed. 

Now it should be known that he had raised her as his own, caring for her all this time. He fed her goat's milk and bits of his own fish and bread. By now she was a lively strong child, already able to walk. Albeit not very far and none too quickly.

It should also be known that Marik had probably accepted his role as father over the peculiar child.

Peculiar indeed with the way she watched with silent, wondering eyes and peculiar in the way that she seemed to be much older inside of her infant head. She never fussed or cried, and she didn't tear things to bits or eat everything within reach.

No, she simply watched, and she was easily pleased. Every morning when Marik brought in the days milk, Azaray would giggle in fits, her icy grey eyes glittering. Her liveliness had brought the lonely dwarf to life.

And that morning as he finally stirred, pulling himself up on creaking elbows. He was surprised, and delighted to see the child's toothless grin.

"Well good morning my dear!" He chuckled as he stood. His greeting was returned by a babbling mess of made up words.

"I see," He murmured thoughtfully, playing along with her. Marik brushed her brown hair from her face and planted a kiss on her forehead. Then he continued past her and lifted the pail from where it sat, just inside of the door. He glanced at her with a toothy smile.

"I'll be back in just a moment, dearest," He winked and turned, hobbling out of the wooden door.

Now Azaray had always been a quiet child. But at that moment she was quite the opposite. She screamed, her tiny chest wracked with her sobs. She hiccuped from her wailing before starting up again.

Now in these times, the high kingdom of Valnier and a kingdom from the far west, called Rena, were warring. Rena, a kingdom of darkness used to be an ally of Valnier, until Prince Logan Marley took his uncle's place as king. Logan was a greedy cruel man. Rumor was that Logan had killed his uncle for the crown. Now, two years since Logan's reign began, Rena declared war on Valnier. 

Valnier was the high kingdom, ruled by king Artemis Salik, was a peaceful flourishing kingdom. King Artemis was know for his kind, loving spirit.

However, now terror reigned over Valnier and her people. Rena had been raiding small villages and towns on the edges of the kingdom, wreaking havoc and claiming territory. They were forever pushing towards the capital and heart.

And as Azaray screamed, a troop of Renan soldier were making their way through the valley, towards the cabin. And the child was very well aware.

Now, how had such a small child, who hadn't yet even grown more than four teeth, let alone political knowledge, possibly know that?

Well she in fact was special, as we said before. Peculiar and special in her own unique way as Marik was soon to find out. He had long dropped the pail, forgetting all about the milk, and sprinted as fast as his dwarfish legs would allow. Quite violently he tumbled through the door, looking wide eyed at the hysteric infant. He stumbled toward her, fearing the worst. His fears changing with each pounding heartbeat. Spiders with flesh eating venom, children eating snakes.

But as he reached for her, his fingers brushing her cheek, images flooded his head. Destruction and frief left by remorseless soldiers. The blood caked armor and burning towns. Troops already making their way through the valley, heading for them. His heart pulled between fear and confusion at what was to come and wonder at the girl's abilities.

Immediately, Marik knew what had to be done. He got to work, clearing space, pulling furs into the room, and piling them onto his bed. Making spare room in the cold cellar. He bustled around, trying to tie knots into his life that seemed to be coming apart at the seams all too quickly and as he did, he caught Azaray's gaze. The girl he had come to see as his own daughter whimpered and watched him with wide, wondering eyes.

His own brown eyes filled with stinging tears and he pulled her from her makeshift crib.

"My dear grl, you must stay quiet for me. Quiet as a mouse. You're very important, my child. You're going to change things. I know it. I will always love you. Don't ever forget. Live long and live on, my sweet Azaray."

Marik knew, somewhere inside of him that she understood every word and with that he set her back into her bed and kissed her tiny hand. He set his warmest furs over her, knowing that after today, he wouldn't be needing them. Marik hoisted her crate into his arms and carried it ito the cellar, tucking it behind a shelf of stored food. He planted a gentle kiss on her head and la a bottle of goat milk beside her. He pulled a small amulet for his neck, looking at it for a moment. Then he took a deep breath.

"Koto, I need your help," He grumbled, shaking the amulet. After a moment, it quivered and the dark red crystal seemed to pulse. The air became electrified 

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
zaminami
Review
zaminami wrote a review Review · Oct 29, 2017

Hello, JaymeBurrows! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



I'm just going to mark the ones I can with red because I'm too lazy to write explanations.

Nearly two seasons later, the snow had long since melted by now.


'Azaray,' or 'frozen ice' in Valnierian,


girl


into[/color]

laid


Suggestions:



When you explain the background, it isn't really needed. Let it be either a) Marik explaining it to an older Azaray in a cliché conversation, or b) do it when it's not random. It just randomly was put there for the reader, and is also cliché. When you look at books like Inheritance and Wereworld, they are very similar to your background story I really recommend those books by the way.

Confusing things:



The air became electrified


It just... ended here? What? Huh? How? Where? I don't get it. It just ended. It's not even a satisfying ending like most chapters have. It just... ended.

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



No other comments, reactions or fangirling.

Overall:



Meh, not the best chapter in the world. I liked the prologue better, to be honest. If you heed my changes above, however, you should be good :D keep up the great work.

Give me your soul --

Kara

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User avatar
Aleleekhall Review
Aleleekhall wrote a review Review · Oct 26, 2017

I would like to begin this review by saying that your writing is great and you have improved your use of commas from your last chapter.
I was looking forward to reading this but this story doesn't seem original right now. I was looking forward to knowing why the countries were at war and how the new king is cruel. Someone being cruel can be from only one point of view. I would also like to know was how the king was cruel. If he definitely killed his brother then few to no people would follow him but if he didn't then there is no proof of how cruel he is. One more thing that I think can be improved is even if you have a plan to make the story original, it will make readers think it isn't when it starts with a special child being given an amulet and having the dwarf most likely die.
I think your writing is great but would like to see a more original plot. Sorry for being kind of up front with this review but I do think that this story can still be extremely good.

User avatar
jamgalloway
Review
jamgalloway wrote a review Review · Oct 24, 2017

Hey, there! This review probably won't be too long, but I hope it helps.

The first thing I want to say is that it feels like I've read this all before. And I guess it's cause I pretty much have, as there's a ton of fairy tales that start just like this. There's even been movies/TV shows that are pretty much *exactly* like this. So, the problem here is, is anyone who reads this can see the entire plot of this book already and no one will be interested enough to read it. I'm hoping this doesn't offend you as that's not my intention, but I feel the need to tell you this now so you can fix it before you get halfway through the book or something. The writing of this isn't bad at all, it's just that the plot/premise of this story is very cliche.

Something else I want to point out is the beginning and the ending. First, the beginning: it's cliche. I'm not saying there's some rule against starting with the weather or anything, but it happens a *lot* in fiction, so I'd change it if it were me. It's definitely not going to grab any attention as there's many books that starts out the same way, so other openings are typically better, you know. And as for the ending, I'm not really sure what happened there. It seems like you cut yourself off and didn't finish the chapter. But, in case that *is* supposed to be the ending and you just forgot a period, it's very abrupt and doesn't work very well as an ending to a chapter. Again, I don't say this to be a jerk, I say it because you need to know what to improve on and what's good, and what's the point of reviewing if it's not honest? Of course, reviews are people's opinions anyway, so it's usually up to you to decide on what parts of the review are accurate and which might be mistaken.

And that's pretty much all I have to say as I didn't intend to go too deep on this review. I hope I didn't come across too harsh or anything and that this helped. If you need any help, have questions, just want to talk, want me to review something else, etc., etc., just let me know and I'd be happy to. Good luck! :)



Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness