Another crack.
Another beat.
Another gasp.
Another leap.
My pounding heart begins to start
My shaking arms and I fear there's no charms
My hasty breath is all that's left
My screaming mind is beginning to unwind
Another crack.
Another beat.
Another gasp.
Another leap.
I slowly begin to shake; my body's ready to break
I take a shaky breath; I shut my eyes tight
I see the world unknown; how it wants to be shown
The wind screaming for the light.
Another crack.
Another beat.
Another gasp.
Another leap.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
I plead in my mind
Another cough, cough, cough
I'm slowly falling behind.
Another crack.
Another beat.
Another gasp.
Another leap.
I'm slowly fading
I won't make it; I try to say
Like the creatures of the nightly spring
And I fear that this breath is my last living thing. . .
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141,829 Literary Works • 675,933 Reviews
I’d love to take your poem beyond a single visual and create something that unfolds with it. Each stanza could become part of a larger connected scene, allowing readers to visually follow the poem’s progression and discover something new along the way. If interested, email me directly at llunarlibrary@gmail.com I don’t usually check comments.
Hi there jaye!
Welcome to YWS!
Now, this is a tragically amazing piece of work! I love it, you know what? I think I'm going to bookmark it. Gosh, there are some amazing poets out there!
Okay, back to work...
Praise:
This is my favourite part, mainly because it beautifully captures the internal battle of trying to regain control when your whole body is giving out.
My second favourite lines are probably these:
I like these lines because they contribute to the poem's haunting atmosphere. This is incredible.
Critique:
In the last stanza, "nightly spring" is beautiful, but maybe you could have replaced it with "nightly strings"
That is it really
Overall, this is actually a really great poem, so keep writing!
Love
Queenie
Greetings human tis I will eat-I-I mean review this poem 😅
is kinda weird cause unless they were a zombie they’re heart should’ve already been beating, so maybe instead you could say something like “the pounding in my heart began to rise” or something like that, I under if maybe you were just trying to get a rhyme but the heart didn’t start it just got faster.Staring off, I love how tragic and descriptive this story is. You did really great at showing and no at telling with the feeling of slowly dying.
I love the line “ I slowly begin to shake; my body's ready to break” fricking bars dude 😔👌
On some suggestions the line:
Also for the
This is just an idea but instead of having it be the exact thing every time you could use the same rhythm but maybe change up the words to make it a little less repetitive.
An example could be
Another whip.
Another slash.
Another scream.
Another jump.
But if you like the repetition then of course keep it this is all suggestions.
I think your grammar overall is on point can’t find much to nitpick not that I’m much of an expert on grammar anyway but I think this poem is dark but super cool and I hope you keep on writing!