Published January 18, 2011
Chapter One : An Elapser no more.
I stood at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the river, a good hundred or so feet below. The sun was just peeking out from beneath the trees. Soon it will disappear behind the trees and darkness will fall in a thick blanket covering everything in shadows. My hair hung freely, wildly, and dark as the night itself.
I unfolded my wings for what would most likely be the last time. I rolled my shoulders, settling my wings in place. What little sun that remained reflected off my feathers making them dark blue, with a shine the color of teal. At night my wings blended in almost like two huge shadows looming over me.
Was I an angel? No. Trust me if I was an angel I would have fallen by now. Was I a Fairy? A Pixie? Hell no. No way was I some frilly thing wearing spring pinks, blues, and greens. I’m an Elapser. The name comes from the word elapse meaning to pass, to slide or glide by.
I held my hands out in front of me, fingers spread. They were shaking uncontrollably. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm my nerves but my breath came out shaky. When I opened my eyes my hands were only shaking worse.
I reached up behind me and grabbed the arch of my right wing. I savored the soft feel of the feathers. I brought it to my face and took one more deep breath inhaling the scent of the air. I gripped my wing more firmly and yanked as hard as I could, tearing my wing right off. I screamed in agony at the feel of each little thread being pulled off my flesh. It took a mere second but each tiny thread felt like minutes. Before I chickened out, I quickly ripped off the left one. This one was worse. I hesitated at the last minute only ripping it half off. One more good yank and I had it off. I fell to my knees, tears running down my face with both my beautiful wings laying around me.
After the sun was fully hidden behind the trees, I stood rubbing my bloody hands on my tore up jeans. The pain in my back still throbbed quickly, almost like it was in rhythm with my heart. I stared down at my wings laying on the cold ground so lifeless looking. Sure they were wings they weren’t alive but they were my wings. I picked them up, threw them in the river and watched them float out of sight.
Me, Jocelyn Odara, was no longer an Elapser .
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
I really like this idea! It makes me hope there's more to go with it that I get to read. Good job! I do think that maybe getting to know a little bit more of the character's background might be good, but other than that I found it very enjoyable. There is a point where you use past tense, saying "will fall" and "will disappear" rather than "would fall" and so forth. I really liked the idea of having someone like an angel who is actually something else, and having them have to tear off their wings for whatever reason. I would love to find out why the character did this.
Hi, Jaybe. Tomm here to comment.
If this was a first chapter of a paperback novel, i dunno what I'd think. It's very short.
Perhaps prologue length.
Okay, i like the plot you have going on here. It makes me want to no more about this "Elapser." And why she would rip off her wings. Hmmm, interesting. This is good, just describe this Elpaser some more. I keep thinking it's a Harpies sister from Yugioh!
I like this start. Keep going!
~ T.K
Hey JayBe. I'm here to review.
I really like your idea. I really, really do. Angels are one of my many areas of interest/expertise, and even if your character here isn't necessarily an angel, she's still one I want to know more about. =)
That being said, I do think there's a lot of improvement that could be made to this. Right now, this "chapter" is more like a teaser, and it would be great if there was more information and generally just more to read. Also, try using more rests (commas) in your sentences, 'cause I think they're a bit winded and non-stop at the moment.
On to the nitpicks...
Here, you switch from past tense to present tense and then back again. Try and stick to either or. I do that a lot, and it's something you have to look out for, especially when writing from a first-person perspective.
The tone your character conveys here is a little bratty, and not in any way that creates a rounded, detailed character. It doesn't feel like a very well thought out....thought!
You really could use more emotion in this description. Realistically, it would be impossible for someone, human or not, to inflict that much pain on themselves willingly. For one, the mind would black out to protect itself from "remembering" the pain, and instinctively you just wouldn't allow anything to hurt you like that, even if it's yourself. I'm not saying something like this couldn't be done, but it would be a lot harder, a lot more raw and violent. I suggest going over this and trying to think of ways to make this more realistic and relate-able.
Overall, you have a good start. You've got me hooked on figuring out what an Elapser is, and you definitely want your readers coming back for more, so good job in that respect. Just try and keep to a single tense, add more info, and really infuse everything you're writing with emotion.
Hope I could help!