You wake up slowly, your eyes adjusting to the dimly lit room you are in. The first thing you notice is that you are lying on the floor, a hard cement, and it is oddly warm. Warmer than cement floors should be, at least. There is one light bulb burning above you, yet, as you look around, you notice that there are no switches. Come to think of it, you see there are no doors. Your mind is blurred, and you attempt to stand up, but your legs give out and you are left on your knees, trembling. You blink, coming to more so than before, and you start to pay more attention to this room you are in. It is completely cement, walls, floor, and ceiling. Puzzled, you try standing up again, this time succeeding. As you pace through the room, you find yourself becoming worried. You realize now that you are entrapped in this room, this small room that, if measured, was probably only ten by eight feet, with a height of about eight feet. You blink.
The light flickers. You are becoming scared. Words start to form, a cry for help, a cry for anything. Your mouth opens. Nothing comes out except a small breath, barely making a sound. “Where are you?” is the question that is constantly traveling through your mind. A step to the left, and you blink. A small indentation in the cement wall. You lift your arm, and run your finger over this indentation. You blink.
Breathing. You quickly turn around, unable to scream. There is nothing in the room with you, but you know you heard it. You are now panicking. Your breaths becoming fast and deep as you run about the room, terrified. The light bulb flickers once again, only making the situation worse. You blink again.
A gentle touch on the shoulder. You jump, making a deafening breathing sound as you once again attempt to scream. And, once again, you are alone. At this point, you are on your knees, crying silently into your hands. You look back up, and on the wall is water. You blink.
On the wall is blood, dripping. It creeps down from the ceiling.
Your eyes widen with fear and you crawl to the opposite wall. Backed up against the oddly warm cement, you stare at the blood. You are afraid to blink anymore. Your eyes are in pain, and the blood continues to fall slowly. You are crying more frantically now, as you know that this is not a good situation. You cannot remember anything anymore, and your fear takes over all thoughts and emotions. You are crying to the point where you barely hear it. You barely hear the whisper.
“Please don’t cry, my love.”
From behind you. You turn and on the wall, painted right on the wall is a face, inches away from yours. Yet it is not a face. It is featureless, no nose, no mouth, just two black holes. As you look into the holes, you dread everything. You don't know why, but you are compelled to look through them. Maybe they are an exit, an escape. You move closer, closer. Just two dark holes, painted on the wall.
Two baby blue pupils blink.
You wake up, rising from your bed in a state of terror, sweating. It was all a dream, a nightmare, you think to yourself. You attempt to speak, and words form. You are normal again, awake, and alive. As you get out of your bed, you head to the bathroom and get ready for the day. The cabinet is opened and a toothbrush pulled out, along with toothpaste. You begin brushing your teeth, and you look up at the mirror to see yourself.
And just as you expected, everything is normal. You smile and blink.
And your eyes turn a wonderful shade of baby blue.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Oh, dear god, NOPE.
This was terrifying to me! It wouldn't have been so bad if it had just been some random character being put through this; then I would have just thought, "Oh the poor thing. Guess what, friend? You're going to die! *laughs*"
However, when you're writing so that it's the reader experiencing all of this, it's immersive, especially when your reader had a very vivid mind's eye/imagination/imagery thingy (couldn't figure out what would be the best way to say it). I read this and I imagine baby blue pupils and those black eyes and I was just yelling, "Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope!" after reading the light started flickering (my mind tends to create figures in the dark when I'm not wearing my glasses, which I don't when sleeping, so that terrified me and I was thinking "What's going to come out of the dark? Help!"
Using such imagery and immersing the reader in the experience instead of giving us a character to watch going through this is very effective, and I loved this story! Must bookmark it and read it again.
Creepy. Just the way it should be
Interesting story, although not that scary. Kind of reminds me of the weeping angels from the Doctor Who series.
I don't agree with one of the reviewers concerning the random statement, “Please don’t cry, my love,” not making any sense. Seeing it's a nightmare, and many dreams make no sense, I think it was all right. However, it seemed a little too random to make sense as part of the plot than as merely part of a dream.
Again, nice work!
Wow. There is no way to describe how psyched out I feel right now. It was creepy, it was confusing... I loved it! Just one thing. Where you wrote, "entrapped in this room..." I would've just used the word "trapped." Other than that, nothing else comes to mind! Fantastic.
It made me all kinds of bubbly nervous being trapped in that room! Good work creating that fast paced creepy feeling. However, the plethora of comas slowed it down. I was really enjoying the story until "Please don't cry, my love." That a bit silly and didn't have anything to do with anything. Maybe if you added some kind of premise. A scene before this scene of being in a tiny room of no escape. That might water down the ending though. Eh, your story sorta started to follow the typical Creepy Pasta path, but it's all good.
Overall a very enjoyable read. I hope to see more from you.
It was a tad bit creepy, but I didn't really understand what was going on. I suggest making it more coherent and adding a sense of bitter urgency. In other words I didn't understand if it was a dream or not, and the whole "Please don't cry, my love" made no sense to me, seeming very much irrelevent, in my opinion at least. And the ending wasn't that scary as my eyes are as you described...
Keep writing creepy things!
- J.R. Spotswood
Hi
Okay, that is really creepy. I had goose bumps! It's written perfectly. No mistakes (or just none I can find). I was relieved when the part came that you wake up but then after reading the last two lines it was back to creepy. Awesome description. I loved it.
Keep writing!
Well, now I'm afraid. I did not know what I was expecting when I decided to read your work, but it I was not expecting to receive goose bumps - which I am trying to get rid of as I type. I did not see any spelling mistakes, and your use of imagery and diction certainly drawn me in to the story. Overall I loved it! ^w^
Wow. that was just creepy as hell. there were no errors that stood out to me. when I started to read the story I had no idea what to expect, but you will be happy to know that I was hanging on every word.
your description of the dream was wonderful. the imagery made me feel a little cluster phobic. it made me feel as if I was in their place. Your a grate writer. keep up the good work.
Wow! This is creepy, but amazing! It's realistic and wrong at the same time. The "dream turning into reality" concept is so cool!
And I love the end! Its SO GOOD:
"And just as you expected, everything is normal. You smile and blink.
And your eyes turn a wonderful shade of baby blue."
Like I said, this is great!! I love cliffhangers!
Anyway, there were a few nitpicks that I wanted to mention.
"“Where are you?” is the question that is constantly traveling through your mind."
Shouldn't it be ,"Where am I?" Sorry, but the third person kind of makes that awkward.
Another thing:
"You blink, coming to more so than before…"
It kind of makes the whole thing a little too complicated. And the "more so than before" is a little redundant. Maybe you could simplify it? More like: "You blink, already coming to…"
Those were my only fiddly bits for this poem, and please don't get me wrong, this is awesome! Just being annoying because I care.
~Cat
Thank you so much for the advice! I joined because I feel I need to better my writing skills, so all nitpicks are welcome. I will fix these for the official copy that I'm turning into my school. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Cool! Your school has a writing program?
Not really, but every year we make a journal of works of literature students make, and I'm submitting a few!