For dogs’ contest.
My prompt: secret. Kidding... The Mad Hatter, Starbucks, razzmatazz, baseball cap, bat
Words: 2,000
I sat beside the window, second row to the last, the side where the sun was directed on and the air-conditioning was the poorest. I’d gone early to get this seat in hopes of sitting alone in peace. But my simple wish refused to be granted: in just a minute, a fat guy came tumbling onto the seat beside me. I watched him as he removed his backpack, accidentally nudging me a lot. When he’d settled down, he drew out a pair of large, thick glasses from his pocket, and grinned at me; so I looked away and out the window. Manila cityscape is the best, I thought. Of course, I was thinking sarcastically.
“Hey,” he said. At first I pretended that I couldn’t hear him; but he continued speaking. “Did you know you never actually ‘touch’ the ground?” He smelled of Johnson’s Baby Powder—the pink one. “You levitate through electric repulsion.”
I turned to him, smiled as politely as I could without actually looking at him, and put on my jacket’s hood, hoping he would take it as a hint: I wasn’t interested in listening to some schoolmate I’d never met before blabber about gravity (if that’s what he was talking about). In fact, I wasn’t interested in being here for some stupid fieldtrip in the first place. All I wanted was to stay home. Wasn’t that the reason I was “home-schooled”? But no, my parents had to beg me nicely—“It’ll be good for you, dear, and bring you some sanity,”— that I had to force myself to go, away from the safe solitude of my room.
Yes. Here I was, about to waste twelve hours of my life, sweating in my black, cotton jacket, failing to understand why my school had these kinds of activities. For social purposes? Couldn’t they just make it into a subject instead so I could study it at home?
“Hey,” the boy started again. “Did you know all polar bears are left-handed?”
I don’t know what compelled me to give him a reaction (thinking about it now, I could’ve said a very cold “Who cares?”, or simply ignored him), but I pursed my lips—my plastered smile—then drawled, “No,” swiftly looking back the window to show him that the conversation had ended—if it even started. I heard him take out something from his bag and leaf through a book. I put on my headphones. I’d left my iPod on my Kieran Murphy playlist; “Shy” was playing. I closed my eyes and felt the bus finally beginning to move. I guess my wish was granted after all.
***
Somewhere along North Luzon Expressway, we stopped by this shopping mall. Mrs. Alinsangan ordered each student to exit the bus, so I followed my schoolmates to wherever they were going. When it seemed like everybody was entering Starbucks, I did, too, successfully blending in and being ignored by everyone, who was thrilled about the free Wi-Fi. I briefly ordered for Caffè Vanilla Frappuccino, and looked for a seat. All of the tables were occupied by some group of students, except for one which was by the restroom, where an old man sat. Since he looked pretty harmless, I strode towards him. I’d rather sit with a total, total stranger.
The old man gasped when he saw me sitting across him. “No room! No room!” he screamed. But there were three chairs, one of which is free (one was occupied by him, the other by a handbag containing a sleeping cat); so I ignored him. He didn’t own the place.
The man immediately stopped minding me when I took my seat. I stole glances at him, nervously staring at his wristwatch. A bit weird, I could tell. He was in Victorian and circus clothing mixed together: he wore a purple waistcoat, a blue greatcoat, a yellow shirt with ruffled cuffs, and a green cravat—all neon. Oddly, though, he was wearing a crimson cap. He caught me looking at him, so I pretended to reach in my pocket for my iPod. Empty. Dang. I must have left it in the bus.
I directed my gaze towards the table. Man. It sure was messy. All sorts of things were cluttered on it: empty cups and plates, used straws and tissue—nothing significant except for an empty cage, where, to my surprise, a bat, as free as a bird, was plopped on its handle. So bats are allowed in Starbucks.
“That’s September Bat to you,” it said.
My heart skipped a beat upon hearing the “September Bat” talk; and admittedly, it took a few seconds for it to dawn on me that it was all a prank. I wondered if I was on TV.
“This isn’t a prank. You’re not going to be seen on the television,” the September Bat said.
I felt the right side of my face squinch up: how did it know what I was thinking of? I slapped my forehead because I was starting to consider that the September Bat might actually really be talking—to me! Was this what my parents would call sanity?
I turned to the old man, and said desperately, “I don’t know which is more surprising: the bat talking or reading my mind.”
“Reading your mind!” The September Bat exclaimed. It had a squeaky voice that fitted a bat perfectly. Its mouth opened at the right time and took shape for the right words. I got goose bumps. “I can’t read minds! But I can think minds!” it said.
“So you thought mine?”
"Exactly!”
I gave out a sighing chuckle. I admit: I felt a bit—mad, thinking I was talking to a bat who could think minds. It’s a trick, I repeated to myself. There are very smart people out there who loved scaring the heck out of other not-so-smart people. Too bad I was one of the latter.
“Have some coffee,” said the September Bat. “It will ease your mind.”
No: coffee makes people energetic. “I don’t see any coffee.”
“That’s because there isn’t any.”
Then it wasn’t very civil for you to offer it, I thought, promptly altering my thoughts lest the September Bat started to think my mind. (If mindreading devices have already been invented, everyone is doomed.) “Why doesn’t anyone even clean this table?”
“Why don’t cha sit with your friends and stop whining about our table?” the old man finally spoke.
“I don’t have any friends,” I said.
“Why don’t you have any?” the September Bat asked.
“That’s because she’s lazy,” the old man said.
“No, it’s because she’s boring.”
“No—I just like to keep to myself,” I told them.
“You’re pretty,” purred the cat. It was yawning and stretching its legs.
And I thought it was the handsomest cat I’d ever seen—an orange one, with brown stripes—so I told it.
I still can’t believe it: I talked to a cat.
“I wish the Capper was handsome, too,” said the September Bat, “so I don’t have to look at his ugly face every day.
The Capper. What the… Applause.
“You’re ugly, too!” the Capper said.
“Not as ugly as you! You’re so ugly, you’re uglier than I!”
“Well, you’re so ugly, not even the most expensive beauty can make you beautiful!”
“You can’t buy beauty!”
“Yes, but you can buy someone to tell you you’re beautiful!”
“Being told you’re beautiful doesn’t make you beautiful.”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” I said. What can I say? I was amused!
“Who asked YOUR opinion?” the Capper said, even though my comment was for his side.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at!" the September Bat sang.
“Yes, that’s right! Sing when you’re losing the argument!”
"Up above the world you fly, like a tea-tray in the sky—“
The cat was snoring again.
“What’s up with the pink cap?” I interfered. I looked around the place: people were completely oblivious of us. I couldn’t believe it.
“It’s not pink. It’s—” the Capper slid his forefinger along the edge of his cap, “—razzmatazz. And it’s not just ‘a cap’. It’s from America, previously owned by a late legend in the field of basketball!”
“Yeah, who?”
“Baked Tooth, the great batter!”
“You mean Babe Ruth, the baseball batter.” Would I get a prize if I talked sensibly?
“He was so great in breaking pitchers into thousands of pieces!”
The September Bat flapped its wings. “I’m thankful he never got a hold of me!”
“I don’t think his cap was pink,” I said
“Razzmatazz,” corrected the Capper.
“I don’t think it was razzmatazz.”
“Oh, have you seen a colored picture of him?”
“No.”
“Would you have known whether it was Razzmatazz or not?”
“You know before those modern photo-shooters—” the September Bat said.
“Cameras,” I corrected.
“—cameras, they would print the pictures and put it in this HUMONGOUS—” here the September Bat spread out its wings, “—machine to suck out the colors, so everything would be in black and white. Sad they don’t do that anymore.”
The Capper shook his head. “Why, I wonder what happened to that marvellous machine.”
My jaw dropped, then I laughed. It was madness. “And why would they do that?”
“Because they were very diligent those days,” the September Bat said confidently.
“Now they’re lazy like you,” the Capper said.
I scratched my head.
“You should get a haircut,” the September Bat said. “Your unkempt, long hair is starting to house a thousand—”
“Don’t make personal remarks. It’s rude,” I retorted.
The Capper opened his eyes very wide upon hearing this, but all he said was:
“Why am I like Razzmatazz?”
I didn’t like riddles, so I perfunctorily answered, “I don’t know. Why?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea!”
I heard my name called. I stood up, dumbfounded, and walked to the counter. On my way, I heard the fat guy say, “Hey, did you know that E=mc2 is not the whole equation?” I got my Frap, took a sip, and went back to my seat. I can’t believe I went back!
The September Bat was reciting a poem:
The young purty woman jargling down Frappolapo
From the depths of the frighty, dleezing bohoho
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked
“He put something in your drink,” the Capper said.
“How?” I laughed. So loud everyone else in the room turned silent and shifted their gaze towards our table—at me.
My stomach started to churn. I didn’t know if it was because people were staring at me, or— “What the heck did you put in my drink?!”
The September Bat took out a bottle from his cage. Looking at it anxiously, he said, “I’m not sure, but it’s not labelled poison. You’ll live.”
Suddenly, I grew bigger and bigger—I wouldn’t stop! I saw a few students take a video of me. Great. Later, I’d be on Youtube, a million hits a minute. I screamed in panic, and the next thing I knew, I was back in the bus, my cheek flat on the window. Everyone was just riding the bus. Was it all a dream? I rubbed my neck. Stiff. I took out my hanky, wetted it with water, and wiped my lips cracking in dried saliva.
The fat guy with the enormous glasses sat beside me. “Nice pink cap,” he said.
Startled, I took the cap off. I stared at it for a while. Insanity. “Hey, did you know this color is called razzmatazz?”
The boy was silent. Maybe he didn’t know—maybe he liked to be the one who knew everything.
“Hey,” he started, “did you know that magenta doesn’t exist? It’s just a pigment of your imagination!”
I smiled at the cap. Riddle solved. “No, I didn’t.”
“Of course, you didn’t. Hey—” I waited for another Did-You-Know, “—what’s your name?”
“Alice.” Maybe my parents were right: this trip would give me a bit of sanity—a bit. “Yours?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Salutations!
This is very well-done. A few things, perhaps:
I would suggest cutting out "a lot", which just kind of slows down the narrative.
I would suggest cutting out this sentence; the reader probably understands that she's being sarcastic based on the context.
Just a small thing here, but I believe the technical term would be electromagnetic repulsion.
Hmmm. I'm not sure what it is, but there's something about this that bugs me. I feel as if the gravity thing, especially the parenthetical statement, don't particularly contribute to the story, and sound a bit awkward.
Back out the window, I think.
"Had been granted", I should think. Past perfect.
Across from, I think.
Was free, I think. Make sure to keep tense consistent.
Must had left it.
"As free as a bird" is a bit of an awkward simile for a bat, I think.
"Of" isn't really necessary here.
I'm not sure why, exactly, but I don't really like this line. It sort of interrupts the narrative, I suppose, and doesn't really add to the story. Although, if you are going to keep it in, that should be "had already been invented" and "everyone was doomed", because you're still in the past tense narration.
"Didn't have", that should be, because it's in the subjunctive tense.
I'm not sure if it's me, but I don't really understand this. Perhaps clarify that?
I would cut that tag down to just "the Capper said". The rest can be seen from the dialogue, so repeating it isn't really necessary.
Had it been all a dream, that would be. Past perfect again.
One small thing, perhaps: A few times the character's thoughts were put into the narrative. I would suggest italicizing them to distinguish them from the rest of it and to prevent confusion.
I only have a few general suggestions:
Firstly, you didn't use much description, and when you did, it was usually kind of simple, just basic things about something's appearance. The story would be better with more descriptions, which allow the reader to connect more with the story and feel as if they are looking through the character's eyes. Give more vivid descriptions of the shop, of the table, of the people, of the world around Alice. Use more senses.
When she walks into Starbucks, does she hear the buzz of murmured conversation, feel the cool air-conditioning pour over her, catch the scent of fresh-brewed coffee? When she takes the coffee, does she feel the heat against her hand, does the strong smell of coffee beans fill her nose, does the sharp taste pour over her tongue? Of course, too much unnecessary description could become annoying to a reader, but I think you need at least some amount of description more than you already have here, in order to let the reader feel as if they are there, in the story, which is what they want.
And character: Firstly, I don't really think the character is shown very well through the narration. The quip-sort of things are a bit, I'm not sure how to describe it, but perhaps pretentious? They don't really make me like the character more. These could be done well but, at this point, are a bit cumbersome to the narration and just slow down the story.
Also, I think Alice's character could perhaps have been shown more in-depth. The situation she is in, with her parents and her antisocial nature and her sanity and such, is an interesting one that could have the potential to make a very interesting character. I feel as if, however, the character was not done as well as it could have been. Alice ends up being a bit unoriginal and not really that interesting (except for the sanity thing, which was done well). Perhaps add more interesting aspects and dimensions to the character, and show those through the narrative.
More character is especially vital at the beginning. When readers start a story, character is an important thing that can be used to draw them in. Since the beginning is just Alice staring out the window of a bus, action isn't going to draw them in, so I feel as if you could include some interesting quirk of her character at the beginning, or just some of her thoughts that are interesting and show who she really is.
Besides that, good job with this. Very nice use of the prompts. Good luck with any writing in the future!
Wherethewindgoes
Thanks a lot for the review! I guess I really had a hard time trying to keep it below 2,000 words.
Ahoy there! I'm here to review for dogs' contest!
First of all, I think you did quite a good job incorporating your prompts into the story. Had I not read the prompts beforehand, I wouldn't have even noticed anything out of the ordinary in your story.
Now, I'm not going to get too nitpicky-- but here are a few nitpicky things before we get down to the actual content.
Okay, so I might be going a little out of order here, but this is the thing that really got me. "Baby Ruth" is a candy bar. The person you're trying to put here is "Babe Ruth," the man who changed the face of baseball. Peanuts and caramel aren't going to be swinging any baseball caps anytime soon.
Whenever you have a word in italics, the word before and after are connected to it because there aren't any spaces. Make sure you put spaces in there.
Okay. Now on to the writing.
The first paragraph seems kind of slow to me. When writing, you don't have to start with an action, but you do have to start with something interesting. Now, sitting where the air conditioning is poor and where the sun is directed is an interesting choice from the character, but it didn't particularly grab my interest. I mean, the first verb in the whole piece is "sat." Not very attention grabbing if you ask me. I think you should start with Chubby rolling onto the bus to sit next to you and regaling you with facts.
Also, in the first part, you use lots of "I was," "I watched," "I looked." Now, these have their places, but here they don't really have a place. Use more vivid verbs to describe what's going on, and also it is a good idea (in this instance) to make yourself the subject of the sentence as few times as possible. For example, this sentence:
would be better written as
The way you have it, the subject is "I." In the example I provided, it's "he." The subject of your gaze is him, so why shouldn't he be the subject of the sentence? Anyway, if this happens in the future, you know what to do.
This bit is totally unneccessary. It took me out of the world of the sweat smelling school bus with the sticky seats and put me back into confusion. I did not know that Manila was a city. And does it really matter what city this is in? It seems like it would be more accessible if you set it in a city and not a specific city. Also, it's worded a little awkwardly. I think dogs went over that, though, so I'll stay out of it.
In a short story, you're going to want to leave out all the unneeded details. This is pretty unneeded as details go. I know that you're trying to say that the character is shy, but I don't think the actions and thoughts in the previous paragraph really point to the character being shy anyway. If you're saying, "you don't know my character. I know that she's shy," let me remind you that the author is dead and that the author needs to leave her last will and testament in a clear way. If you want to make her seem shy, don't rely on throwaway details like this and incorporate it smoothly into your text.
You use a lot of adverbs in your piece. Adverbs should be used sparingly, like strong spices in a good soup. You use a few more than you should. Instead of using adverbs, make your verbs more vivid so you don't have to describe them. For example, instead of saying "he walked slowly and confidently into the bar," you could say "he strolled" or "he swaggered." Those verbs need no explanation.
The quality of the writing takes a jump into greener pastures when the Mad Hatter shows up. I like how you incorporated things from the actual Alice in Wonderland and also added your own little twist on things. The Babe Ruth thing was quite good. I really enjoy that part of the story.
At the end, I was quite angry that she woke up from a dream at first. It seemed like such a cheap way to get out of what had just happened. But then you added the hat, so it kind of redeemed itself. I'll let you get away with it this time. But don't end things with dreams. It fills me with rage.
Altogether, this is pretty good. Nice job on incorporating your prompts, and nice dialogue. It's definitely your strong suit. I hope this review was helpful. Happy writing!
But... but... I try to edit it, and the spaces ARE there! XD what happens? I don't know.
Oh, yes, yes... my adverbs. *facepalm* I hate it, too. And sorry for maddening you! Haha... thanks for the review!
Hi Jash, congrats on submitting to the contest. Here are a few of my thoughts on your piece:
Okay, the start is a bit plain, which isn't always a bad thing, but you don't offer a lot that will hold the interest of the reader. The phrase "where the sun was directed on" is oddly worded. I would rewrite this sentence:
There I was, sitting beside the window, the sun shining and the air-condition poor. It was the second row to the last and I'd gotten there early in the hopes of sitting alone.
The rest is superfluous or implied. Now it is also less clunky. Snip, snip; always be on the lookout for extraneous details and words.
The attempt at humor at a fat guy plopping beside the narrator falls a bit flat. We need more detail, and coming right out and saying fat doesn't really relay the best bits. Perhaps he was panting from running, perhaps he could barely fit where he sat. There are ways of giving us this information.
I like where this is going. An absurd question with philosophical undertones. The baby powder line is humorous and observant.
Blah, blah, filler. And this paragraph doesn't do much to make us sympathize with your narrator. It's whiny. We either need to be more annoyed with the fat man or more acquainted with the narrator for a paragraph such as this to work. You have neither at the moment so this paragraph drags on and alienates the reader from the narrator.
Same problem. Why should we care? Whine whine whine. It is very offputting. And the topic the narrator chose to whine about is so insignificant that we are disliking them more and more by the second. You need to be careful to balance the rebel-like, misanthrope character and the plain-miserable jerk. One is fun to read, the other is just uncomfortable.
This is called name-dropping and is rarely acceptable. Unless your narrator has some ridiculous fascination for that song or that artist, cut this line. Simply mention a song has played.
I like how this paragraph starts, but the careless nature of the "to wherever they were going" doesn't add to the narrator's character, but instead feels lazy on the writer's part. If you want to characterize the uncaring nature of the narrator, describe how the building or street or whatever it may be that the narrator is following the students to.
This is a great opportunity to mock something; the nature of Starbucks perhaps. You attempt that a bit with the "free Wi-Fi" comment, but it lacks power. And again, name-dropping. Unless there is a specific reason (and you must let us know it right away). nobody cares that the narrator ordered a "Caffè Vanilla Frappuccino" as opposed to a normal coffee.
I like this description and action. It's the type of narrative voice you would expect from a judging misanthrope, but it doesn't scream "complete jerk" to it. It's sympathetic and human. You need more of this type of description.
Bat dialog
I'm just going to comment on this is one large section here. It's interesting. Sort of, I don't know, "The Master and Margarita" type absurdity. I like it. It needs to be less confusing though. Your tags are really lacking and at some point I simply went along with the dialog not really knowing who said what, but still just reading. You need to be careful.
Haha, love this idea. Honestly, you should make the conversation hinge on more ideas like this.
Nice allusion, and I wish you would sort of make it a little more...not obvious...but present. We have the September Bat (March Hare?) and the old man/cap (Mad Hatter?). But none of that is quite out in the open. Little hints here and there would pull this together and make all the literary allusions shine beautifully.
Your ending was done nicely, though if you aren't careful, and don't link it well enough with Carroll's work, then it seems lazy. The pun was a bit much, but I don't think inappropriate. Just a bit chintzy. The comment about the cap is perfect.
And the comments about the parents and the sanity was fitting. Nice work on the end, it wrapped up well and left us with a feeling of conclusion without a ridiculous amount of finality.
Good luck!
Thanks for the review! I learned lot! I shall read again.
Hello there Jash! Dogs here with your review today. Well congratulations on being the second person to submit to my short story contest! Do keep in mind that because every single submission has been so excellent and will be particularly excellent, all my notes are going to be extreme nit picks. Let's dive in now shall we?
"accidentally nudging me a lot"
The "a lot" bit is nagging at me here. Sounds a little out of place, perhaps say something more along the lines of: "accidentally nudging my ribs several times with his jagged elbow." Or whatever works for you.
"of course I was thinking sarcastically"
You don't necessarily need this line. Perhaps, in the sentence before, say something more like: "I thought sarcastically."
"bring you some sanity"
Haha, nice I liked this line. Rather humorous. Great job at getting a laugh out of the reader in your writing. You also set up the field trip scene rather well. Nice job in that regard.
"why my school had these school activities"
This line is a little confusing because you just established that he was home schooled. Therefore, that school wouldn't necessarily be his school.
I would also suggest that you set up that they are on a bus in that first description paragraph. It'll make that scene a little clearer. But I like the dynamic between the "fat kid" and the narrator.
"No room!' he screamed"
Now, wonderful starting point for your mad hatter here I assume. Such a wonderful character, I'm exhilarated to see where you'll take him. Although I wouldn't say "he screamed" here. Just because it would draw so much attention to him. Perhaps shrieked or squealed. Something a little downtoned from screaming.
"I stole glances at him. He was staring at his wrist watch"
I would suggest that you connect this with a comma instead of two short sentences. Breaks the flow a little bit.
great entrance with the September bat. Funny and equally as crazy. Nice job there.
"very smart people out"
Okey dokey, pet peeve of mine. Never use "very" unless it's in dialogue or a essay about why not to use "very." Just breaks the flow every time you use it. Try saying "rather, extremely, extraordinarily," whatever works.
"beauty is in the eye of the beholder"
Oh this banter between the bat and the cat is more than marvelous. Great line here, really brings out another air of comedy with the witty wording. Nice job. AH YES! I may have failed you if you didn't use the "twinkle twinkle little bat" song! Great timing there.
Nice in cooperation of the baseball hat, I love the Babe Ruth joke. The absurdity is hilarious, yet not too far in being absurd.
"I heard my name called"
Eek! I don't recall you having your character purchase something from starbucks. Be sure to include those little details in your writing.
Oh that ending is killer, perfectly crafted. The story was a tad bit predictable and than boom! I didn't see that one coming at all! I'm rarely completely surprised by writing. So some of your weaknesses is your descriptions and they can be a little vague and not as smooth as it could be. Although, your dialogue is spot on darn near perfection. I really didn't have any notes regarding the diolague between the mad hatter and the others at the table. I was a little disappointed that you didn't go into depth more of the growing process that Alice undertook. I also LOVE that you saved the revealing of "Alice" until the last sentence. That was perfect. All and all a great story and I really enjoyed reading it. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hey, dogs! I just wanted to clear up:
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I might tweak this a wee bit more before the judges start to review it. Hihihihi...
1. I was homeschooled and we had fieldtrips and a few mandatory school activities.
2. Yes, I put right there that she ordered a Vanilla Frap xD
Thanks a LOT for the review!