woman

You're really talented .
www.writicles.wordpress.com

Hi,

Ok it was a good poem and there were bits that I enjoyed! Even though there's a great sense of symbolism in it, it lacks a bit.
I feel as if it needs to be worked on and as DreamWalker said the last line is really the only climax and the strong part. Not because of the emotion of it or how it sums the whole poem up but more in how in the way that the rest of the poem has very little emotion in it. I know that this sound extremely harsh but for me it is the truth. Maybe try adding more description in to the rest of the poem so that the last lines are even more special because the rest of the poem was brilliant as well.

The second stanza is rather good as is all of it. I feel that you can take this and do so much more with it. Because trust me the idea is sublime and I love it.

Anyway please forgive me if I sound really harsh but I want this to blow my mind and it can do that! It is great and you are a fabulous writer!

Keep it up!!

Nargles xx

Very nice. I enjoyed it. Simple, yet it says quite a bit.

I liked this poem. It was interesting. I enjoyed the final stanza, but if maybe you could elaborate on the pain. I enjoyed the use of the tangles, I had a clear image. Maybe if you could use other examples of pain, like being cold when she walks out of the tub. I feel like that would make it quite interesting. Also, maybe experiment with grammar, such as adding some more commas, or even adding a colon, it can add to the feeling of the poem, and I feel like it would make the poem very powerful. I absolutely love some of the similes you have in this poem, such as "That laced together like spiderwebs" helped give a vivid image.

I think this poem is sweet and shows a loving bond between mother and daughter.

You have set up a nice, touching, simple poem. I understand it really well me being a women and all. I see that you have made a young girl getting her hair brushed as an example of first pain. That is a good one. I experienced that myself.

I agree women do go through a lot of pain not just physical pain but emotional pain like heartbreak in losing a child, and hormones like menstruation or menopause. That is exactly how i feel when i brush my five year old sisters hair who finds it extremely painful I have grown used to the feeling of getting your hair combed i actually like the feeling of getting my hair combed now. I guess she needs to learn the power of adaptation.

this is very wonderful, and I hope that you can get this published someday, because it was one of the best pieces of poetry I have heard.

I like the simplicity you had in effect here, it was great how you explained in such detail, and complicity in the story and I hope someday this will be published in the big book of greatest poetry classics.

I really like your stuff, i hope one day that this will be in the poetry books of greatest classics.

I love the simplisity of your work. It goes on to describe how the mother brushes through her daughter's hair causing a small bit of pain only to prepare her for later pains in life. Beautiful!

I really love this poem. I've never been much of a fan of poetry, because most of the time it seems like there are too many flowery words that get in the way of the true meaning of the poem. But I really love the simplicity of what you have here. In just a few words, you created a real emotional response from me that I don't often get. To me, this poem is flawless (except the space needed between STRANDS and AND xD).

Generally speaking, I feel I would have fallen in love with a piece like this if the sentiment wasn't one I've heard many times before. The kind of sentiment that I feel has been expressed in so many similar ways to this that it was really hard to appreciate the irony and the struggle that this poem depicts. Foreshadowing and your own take on a subject will not change the fact that this is exactly what I expected it would end up sounding like.

I wish I could remember where I've heard similar words from.

Anyways, I suppose I should say this is not one of your better pieces in my opinion. I might be the only person who thinks that, but I also found the irony within it was unoriginal, so it lost that appeal. Because of that fact, the entire poem sounded like it was just a lead up till that final line. There was nothing altogether interesting because of the fact that it's not exactly a parallel for anything. You wrote this so bluntly without any real poetic device. It, in a way, felt boring and predictable, like I knew exactly what to expect from the beginning till the end.

You have so much talent, though. Ridiculous amounts. Just, sometimes you have to let it all go and not concentrate on the point you're trying to make to make one that's truly original and interesting. The kind of points that come only when you're not exactly meaning to make them.

The only real interesting piece of imagery in this entirety of this was this;

covered in tangles and clumps
that laced together like
spiderwebs.

Jas,
I can't tell you how much I enjoyed reading your work. It is one of the best I have ever read! I'm not going to strip your work and correct you on miniscule mistakes because there aren't any. This piece it perfecty and brilliantly written. I love oyur detailing from the porcelain tub to the mothers sigh to the snarls in her hair. I really do like how you used snarles instead of tangles or any other word. I especially like the tenderness between the mother and the daughter. Most of all, I LOVE the end. It was simple and tender. The entire subject was in the last two lines and I love that.
You did an outstanding job.
Thank you.
-lovelife

Um, you guys? I don't think strandsand was meant to be a word, it's just missing a space. It's supposed to be 'strands and exhale'.
Just saying.

To start this was a dramatic and depressing work that is very well made.I don't know of to many ways this can be improved however I did notice that there was 1 paragraph [whatever their called in poetry] that focused on the bath part and two focusing on the hair brushing maybe you could expand the first part more but no pressure.I do not exactly understand the word "strandsand" or the placement of "exhale" but still awesome job!

I almost see this poem as foreshadowing the life that the girl has ahead of her. Indeed, it is "just the beginning of all the pain a woman must feel." The act of brushing the girl's hair captures pain very well. I have been known to cry when I brush my hair. It is such a small action, but we are all sensitive and vulnerable when it happens.
Now, I cannot leave a review without giving a bit of constructive criticism. I was a bit confused about the meaning of the word "strandsand" in this context. It refers to the mother, yes? I have never heard or read of that particular word.
Overall, I think that it was a spectacular poem, very delicately written. A lot of feeling stuffed into three stanzas.

So much meaning and truth in such a short description.
That is what I call talent.
Bravo.

This is true. This is true. This is true.

You have captured into words what all girls think, but in a different way than what we would expect. This moved me to regard the future with caution, wondering what heart aches lie ahead.

Your description of the girl,the hair raven, with snarls in it, captured my attention

If I write more about what I think of this poem, I will cry my heart out. The trail of tears are already trickling down my face. I thank you for this lovely reminder of the future and what we must endure. This has truly moved me, unlike anything else.

Hey Jas!

I'm just stopping by to comment but let me tell you beforehand that I don't have anything constructive to say. Simply because I am horrible at poetry. xD!

As others have already said, the USP of this poem was that you wrote a poem with such a deep meaning with simple words and expressions.

I've always loved your prose writing but after reading your poems on tumblr I have come to know the fantastic and creative poet you are. You always use simple things and give them such deep meaning.

Good luck!

I love simple things with deeper meaning. SO much better than deep things with simple meanings. This was lovely! I don't have a critique to make, just wanted to drop by and say that I enjoyed this. I haven't been on here in a while and I'm glad your work was the first I got to read. Ciao

Hi Jas!

I loved this poem! Though I think you could change the title of the poem a little bit because it isn't so appropriate but never mind though! I couldn't catch any grammatical mistakes, so well done there!

I see you need some formatting help in the poem here. Since we're following the way we usually publish the poem, I'm going to instruct you this way. In poems, either a new stanza starts with a capital letter or if a sentence has a full-stop, the very next sentence starts with a capital letter. Just making sure because here, it wasn't there. That's all for formatting/ editing the poem.

"when she was a young girl,
her mother washed her raven
hair in the porcelain tub
and she held back sobs
every time the brush caught
in snarls."

This stanza, were okay but it was a little plain. It could have had a little more exciting start to it since you're starting the poem so, that you don't make the reader bored. You could express the girl more here, I felt. Also, I would recommend you to connect "hair" with "raven" making it "raven hair" because having two words describing the same thing, would make it look awkward.

The fifth line, that is "every time the brush caught", has a small punctuation mistake. Since, its written in the past tense, it should have "was" between 'brush' and 'caught'. Don't you think so too? I loved the way you say "snarls", it just gives out that creepy image to me.

"when it was over, her mother
would put down the brush,
covered in tangles and clumps
that laced together like
spiderwebs."

Now, I think you should have elaborated more things and not just about the brush in this stanza. And yes, I loved the idea about how you described the tangled hair in the brush and everything else, but a little more effort should have gone for this stanza.

Also, I realized that this stanza only has five lines, whereas in the other, there are six lines. I would recommend you to add one more line, it would look good and also create another view towards the poem.


"she would kiss her daughter's
head and run her hand through
the smooth strandsand exhale
in remorse because that was
just the beginning of all the pain
a woman must feel. "

Now, I don't know what exactly the stanza meant because I think you lacked some flow in the poem here. Though, I think it was good even though I didn't understand it. It gives out the whole meaning I guess. That pain but what I cannot understand is that, how is it painful when you run your hand through your daughter's hair? Confusing.

And of course, the love shown here was excellent! It truly gave out that exact feeling and I kind felt it. Overall, I think this is the love of a mother than to give the title named as "Women".

Overall: Amazing! I think you can make yourself an excellent writer. What I liked most is how you describe things even if it is the least important. I'll be looking forward to more of your works! I would rate this a 9/10.

Keep Writing, Jas ~

Cookie

Well, it is a very simple and sort of a deep poem I should say. You actually did a very good work!! You maintained a very good 6-5-6 pattern. This poem is simple because you chose to express certain feelings through a very simple task of washing the hair and that was very thoughtful of you. This poem holds a deeper meaning because we women endure so much pain and the pain the little girl received while washing the hair is really nothing compared to the pain that she will have to endure in the future. Overall this poem has no mistakes however you might want to capitalize the first letters of the first line in all of the stanzas and punctuate it more properly. And I really just simply loved your description of the hair. Work Well Done!! and Keep Writing!

A very interesting poem. I really liked how though the task was simple it depicted the pain we women do end up feeling throughout our lives. I liked that the whole poem flowed together even though it could have worked as three separate ideas as well. Very nice job.

I have always tried to put those feelings into words, but never succeeded . You did, though! My brothers will say how much crap they go through (not saying they don't) but they don't think us women go through anything. Grr. Makes me mad. So, not really a review, just a comment . I like your description of her hair. Good job!