tribal colors

by Jas

  • Poetry
  • Realistic

Published May 28, 2012

i write weird
and taste the wet in the air
and hear liquid fire drip onto my skin like acid.
the taste of burning flesh is disgusting

i am incoherency and i am blind which is why
i hear love on my fingertips and see ringing 
on the colorless skin that covers my eyes
and folds up like wrinkles when i flutter
lashes open to see nothing.

i feel lust like braille on your skin and
smell your thirst like a dog smelling fear
except neither of us are scared only anticipated
and i can hear the anticipation churning in my stomach
like a tsunami or something.

can you, you, as in you, smell the words in your mind,
taste the fabric that my blood, my ink will dye after i die
and there is nothing left of me but blind color and coherency
and maybe we’ll meet, later, not now, you and i, you, you, you
as in YOU, maybe we’ll meet someday where you can taste the wet
and hear the fog and smell the space between infinity.
Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
MillarS
Review
MillarS wrote a review Review · Jun 12, 2012

I think this is truely amazing! Very descriptive. It is slightly similar to a story idea I had, how you have rhetorical questions, and how well-worded the whole piece is. My particular favourite part in verse 2:

I am incoherency and I am blind which is why
I hear love on my fingertips...

for it doesn't make sense, yet does if you put some serious thought into it.

A really good piece, I would advise you keep writing like this and continue with the amazing ideas. I don't know how you did it, but I wish I could!

User avatar
wordsandwishes
Review
wordsandwishes wrote a review Review · May 28, 2012

This is an amazing and unique piece of writing. The piece it's self had a personality. I particularily liked the last stanza:

can you, you, as in you, smell the words in your mind,

taste the fabric that my blood, my ink will die after i die

and there is nothing left of me but blind color and coherency

and maybe we'll meet, later, not now, you and i, you, you, you,

as in YOU, maybe we'll meet someday where you can taste the wet

and here the fog and smell the space between infinity

I didn't notice any spelling errors, but I noticed you used the letter "I" like "i" when it was used singularly. I'm not sure weather or not this was on purpose but I don't think it really messed up the poem or anything. Oh, and one last suggestion would be to adjust the flow a little, it was kind of bumpy.
Other than that I think it was great.

keep it up!

w&w



Do. Or do not. There is no try.
— Yoda