There is blood on the stage but they're still singing,
I mean, it's not real blood of course, just a tiny plastic bottle for Macbeth or Hamlet or whatever shitty play the budding thespians at this school decided to do this year, but yeah about the bottle it was luck, pure luck that got me there right on time for me to run in and grab it for two bucks at the grocery store five minutes before they closed, I had to ignore Mandy bitching in her uglyass hot pink Mercedes about how I always take forever and I waste her gas and why doesn't she just go, I'll probably get the wrong one anyway cus I'm just a loser fuck-up who has to hang around her and her friends because even as a fucking senior I can't get anyone to like me, but she lied though, I have Tom and Andy, yeah they're scum bag pot heads who spend their weekends smoking blunts and listening to techno music but they like me or at least tolerate me so whatever, they're good enough, at least for now until graduation and I go to community college if they let me in cus anyway because my grades suck so much I got held back twice, not that it's my fault, I'm just failed potential, I've always wondered what happens when you lose potential, it's not exactly like losing blood or losing keys, you know that those things are still on Earth somewhere but potential, where does that go, maybe the same place love goes after it's shriveled up and died, I mean with blood and keys, you can find that shit or regain it or whatever, but with potential, once you've lost it,
it's gone.
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140,633 Literary Works • 673,570 Reviews
Wow O.O
Can't say I've read something like this before XD
My overall first impression is that it was interesting. I've never read anything exactly like this, so apologies if this review isn't particularly helpful XD
I agree with AM. That chunk wasn't particularly needed here because this piece is about losing potential, and you definitely could expand it. Mandy's pink mercedes wasn't particularly important, although I do think if you mentioned something on a crazy madwoman seeing blood or what the narrator's part in the play (why is (s)he there, was (s)he forced?) would make it a bit more useful. But I think Tom and Andy are significant in this - that is, if you're hinting that they've joined what they do as well.
I have a question - was the fact that there was no full stops (periods) intentional? I found it hard to breathe while reading it, even in my head XD
My one nitpick is this:
and
Where you write "cus", could you add an apostrophe before it so it becomes 'cus ? At first, I thought you misspelled 'cuss'.
Anyway, I hope I was of some help to you
Keep Writing!
'Blues
I feel like all of this
isn't really all that important. The bit about the blood and the plastic bottle sets the scene.I'm not quite sure how I feel about this poem at all, although the beginning and the end pulled me in, you lost momentum somewhere in the middle. I think you could expand on the loss of potential and how you believe that it cannot be regained because that's what really stuck for me.
I don't like the style, I feel like it's very hard to get your reasoning through. Also the voice of the speaker, in bits I felt like the exaggeration wasn't really warranted (it's in bold above).
Anger.
Its an interesting piece, I love how it seems to be fairly abstract, a sort of stream of conciousness, I especially enjoyed how you explain the concept of 'failed potential'.
However, in the whole piece there inst one full stop( don't worry I'm crap at punctuation myself), meaning when read out loud it seems unstructured and uncomfortably fast for a piece where the character is just reflecting on themselves.This interrupts the flow of your writing.If it helps read it out loud to see how it sounds and maybe add in full stops when talking about different characters.
I hope this helps but all in all it was good, keep up the work!