Published September 22, 2012
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140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Jas,
I'm excited every time I see a poem from you
I do have a question. Why ginger ale?
It's funny because as it so happens, me and canada dry have a long history together. So much in fact, that it's tainted my buds of what ginger should taste like - but doesn't - so when I told somebody I loved ginger, and they gave me a shot of gingerbeer, it was so horrendously far from what I had expected, I had to spit it back out, and profess that I must have lied and I don't really like ginger after all. So, that 3rd stanza there hit me hard in ways, probably not even intended. But that's why I love poetry I think.
As in all of these reviews, I have to say I admire your voice. Your voice is so painstakingly you, I'm sure I've said this before, but I can easily pick out an untitled poem of yours out of the masses. I love pieces of this poem a lot. As a whole, I think it's very personal, so I'm sure I'm bound to misinterpret things.
For the first stanza, I'm just not feeling it. I feel like if you removed that stanza completely out of the poem, it won't really make a dent to the poem as a whole. I don't see that the stanza does anything except perhaps introduce a concept that I think is better portrayed later on. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful stanza. Well written. But to me it's the poetic equivalent of purple prose - I feel like it just pulls the poem fatter and larger with too many ideas and too many tangents. It needs slimming.
The next part - the number list - I absolutely adore. I see it as a list of ingredients, so I would say yes, you've got the form covered. I love how it refers back to the title.
This part:
If blood is oxidizing inside you, I think that statement in itself is implying a sort of unnaturalness, so that last line isn't needed. Instead, maybe try to construct a line that ties this all together?
The ending there, as much as I disagree with it, was powerful to me. I see this as a (non) proclamation of self, like what the speaker is and what the speaker aspires. Pretty cool.
~ as always, Audy
This is a good poem. Its not perfect, but what is? I liked it. It's thoughtful.
There's two things you need to make a good story.
1. You need to take it seriously.
2. You need to tell the truth.
Now just because you are taking your work seriously doesn't mean you are writing a serious poem, it means you are taking care and sculpting with words, instead of throwing them at a wall and seeing what sticks. And just because you are telling the truth doesn't mean you are writing non-fiction. There is truth in every great novel, every great poem.
You obviously took your writing seriously, and I think you told the truth.
Great job!