Published June 11, 2010
Words tumble out
placing wounds where they hurt the most;
Welcome to Hell,
it seems I shall be your host
Beware of the all demons
They trick you down to where there's no light
Catty, mean and snobby
nothing you say or do is right
Laughter between each insult
Where your heart should be, there's a deep black hole
You'll do anything to get out of Hell
The Devil wants one thing, the most precious, your soul
The negotiations are pointless
The Devil doesn't waste his time
You'll do anything to be like them
Instead of punishment, reward comes from the crime
Now your just like them
Plastic, perfect, pretty and fake
The Devil got you out of hell now,
done a road most my visitors take
But now don't you see
the "perfection" you seem to achieve
Its superficial, the Devil lied
Your stuck in Hell forever now, your never going to leave.
~*~
This came to me when I was on the subway and saw the sign thing for Hell's Kitchen. 
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140,833 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
This is a great poem definitely keep up the superb work. I only have one suggestion change to where it hurts the most to the most sensitive areas of the body.
"done a road most my visitors take"
This particular quote makes me think that the devil himself is the speaker in red. I also liked how it was divided into two separate parts, but it intertwined well. I do recommend that you fix some grammar issues and think about what perspective it is from. This would be an amazing piece if you developed the red character in this piece it would really change this piece.
Words tumble out
I really think you did an interesting job with it, congrats.
placing wounds where they hurt the most;
Welcome to Hell,
it seems I shall be your host I like that.
Beware of the all demons Do you mean 'beware of all the demons'?
They trick you down to where there's no light
Catty, mean and snobby
nothing you say or do is right Nice!
Laughter between each insult
Where your heart should be, there's a deep black hole
You'll do anything to get out of Hell
Maybe put a 'but' hereThe Devil wants one thing, the most precious, your soul
The negotiations are pointless
The Devil doesn't waste his time
You'll do anything to be like them
Instead of punishment, reward comes from the crime
Now your you're just like them
Plastic, perfect, pretty and fake
The Devil got you out of hell now,
down a road most of my visitors take
But now don't you see
the "perfection" you seem to achieve
Its superficial, the Devil lied
Your You're stuck in Hell forever now, your you're never going to leave.
I like this poem a lot.
Very nice! Though, Hell's Kitchen certainly didn't come to mind! Actually, when reading this, it reminded me of the book Dorian Gray, you heard of it? It's about a man who unintentionally sells his soul to the devil for ever-lasting youth, his aging instead going into a painting given to him by a friend. There are a few spelling and grammatical errors, such as "your" instead of "you're". Nothing too big. I did love this piece, and would love to read more!
~Panda;;
Woo Jas I actually really enjoyed this, the rhyme I didn't mind at all and the concept I found really interesting. I don't know if I would have understood that it was about highschool if I hadn't skimmed over the comments though. I think if you added a few more hints to that it would really blossom. I liked the structure you have to it and you did a pretty good job on this one *thumbs up*
One little thing I caught though.
Keep writing!
~Hope
LOL. I quite literally laughed out loud at that. I don't think it was meant to be funny but I started laughing regardless. I don't know why. I'm in a realllly weird mood. xD I'm happy you understand my poem now and your review wasn'tthat confusing. Well. Ok, it was a little confusing but I understood it
.
~Jasmine
That makes soooo much more sense! I kind of saw the ties between high school, but I thought it was just part of my imagination
Apparently, not! It really is a good poem and I'm sorry that my review was so freaking confusing! I even reread and was like, "What the heck?"
^ Lol, the red was the Hell parts and the black was the high school parts. In the end we realize they are the same.
OK, so I saw how long this was on the, what would you call it, top 5 thing. So I decided to read it. I have to say that I thought it would be something completely different than what it was, considering the title. But the title works, don't get me wrong, I was just expecting something else.
I'm not a big fan of these things anyway, so don't take it badly when I say that yours didn't completely catch my eye. It was interesting, a very unique subject with a good choice of words. But I found myself getting lost and a bit confused. The rhythm was a bit, well, off at times. And I don't exactly understand the red writing, unless it was someone else talking, but who?
So, in the red, it seems like something you would most likely say, not the person who is saying it, if that makes sense, which I doubt it does. And then in a previous sentence, the writing in red was referring to you, or to me, however you were trying to make it sound, as "you". Well, actually, they said "You'll", but you know what I'm getting at. And then you, or me, referred to yourself, or myself, again as you'll? Wow, that's really confusing to read. All I'm saying is that maybe you should switch the two and make it
Or something like that, but what do I know, I'm probably crazy!
But that's really it. So... Thanks for listening, it was a good poem, and sorry for the confusing paragraph where I found myself even dosing off =]
^ Thanks
Overall, I liked this poem. I loved your word-choice.
One thing I would watch though, would be how you place your words. Some of your poem was a bit confusing.
Another thing that I liked was the images that I got while reading. It kinda freaked me a bit.
Good work!
Oh, you almost hit the right spot. I was comparing hell to high school and saying how they aren't that different. I'll probably re-write it a little so the rhythm is perfect because now that I'm reading it, I notice that it is a problem.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed!
Hey there! Okay so I stink at reviewing poetry, so bear with me.
Quotes and Comments
You have such a strong beginning, but then you get softer as you go along. It seems like you are an adult speaking in the beginning, and then your age lowers as you continue. Let me give you an example here…
So you seem to be basically saying the same thing here, yet they are told through two different perspectives. The first one sounds like an adult, the second one sounds like a teenager, and something out of Mean Girls. Of course one probably wouldn't notice this unless going into depth, so you might not think that it's a big problem, but to me it's a bit confusing. Just try to figure out who your speaker is, and you should be fine!
You did an amazing job with the beginning. I like how you started off by introducing a subject that isn't directly related to your title, then eased into the part about how life - or whatever you're talking about, we'll get to that later - is like hell. These lines are just simply poetic and beautiful. It's saying that your words hurt me, but in an indirect, peaceful way. In fact, the way you say this makes it sound like your speaker doesn't really care about the words at all, but instead just wants to let the other person know that what they say is hurting them. Great job!
This just gives off the perfect tone: Innocent yet serious. Like: I'm going to kick your butt, but I'll do it while being classy and sophisticated, instead of you who does it like a slob and an ignorant child.
So I was a tad bit confused by this one. In this poem, it seems as if you're talking about a person trying to beat down the other person. It sounds like the 'hell' is a high school, or life in general. But, I'm not quite sure what the demons are. I can guess that they might be society. I would say it clearer what they are, and what they really do to the person, instead of why. We already know why they do it, from living life ourselves. We need to know what, or we will never understand why your speaker is thinking like this.
So, I hate to say it, but I don't like this at all. You're speaking of hell, the entire extended metaphor is hell, I mean it's even in the title! However, somehow you are now talking about space. I realize that this may not seem important, but when you're writing something on an extended metaphor, it's important to keep to that, and only to that, metaphor. I suggest changing 'deep black hole' into something related to hell. Maybe it could be fire there or something like that?
This is just an awkward line. There are far too many syllables and words more than all of your other lines. I would suggest shortening it. Plus, I think it would sound better as 'He' instead of 'The Devil' anyways. You mention the Devil earlier and later on in your poem, so we can assume that every 'He' will be Devil. In fact, it should already be assumed because your poem is about Hell! I would also consider taking out 'the most precious'. I mean, you're talking about someone who is plastic and laughs at every insult, therefore shouldn't you be speaking of their soul as if it is a bad thing? If you are going to say that the soul is precious, at least say that the Devil thinks that it is the most precious. How it is now, it seems like the person who's soul is being taken is pure and worth something, which it obviously isn't, at least to your speaker.
Overall
I think this is a really cool poem! Your words are very poetic and beautiful. I'm not usually a fan of poetry, or reviewing it for that matter, but this really stuck, and was fun to read. I think your metaphor is perfect for society and possibly teen drama.
It does make me a bit sad that I don't know what you are actually talking about in this. Like said above, it sounds like you are speaking about two different worlds - the adult world and the teenage world. I guess it could be that you made it sound like both worlds are similar, and don't think you can escape it just because you grow up, but I doubt it. I am steering more towards teen issues, just because you are a teenager and that would make much more sense. So if you do a rewrite, make sure that your speaker's voice portrays the voice that you want it to!
Keep writing,
Sam.
Thanks Rhian
Heya jas.
Skins here to review as requested. Poetry isn't my strong point, but I'll try my best to give you a worthy review. Also, sorry if I repeat something that's already been said. haven't read over the other reviews... merely skimmed them. I'm lazy like that.
Overall
This poem was pretty good. I liked the concept of it as a whole, it was pretty original and I think that you portrayed it rather well. That's something I've noticed about your poems, Jas, you come up with some very good ideas for them. You also had some very nice lines in here as well, in my opinion. I agree with what the other reviewers have said, one of my favourite lines in this was the last one. If you ask me, it was a very good ending that summed up your poem well. Although your grammar wasn't that perfect, you spelt everything right. You did as far as I could tell, anyway. I'm not the best speller in the word though...
My main critique is about your grammar. What you seem to forget is that the grammar in a poem is actually the same as the grammar in any other piece of writing. Like I said before, when a sentence ends, there is a period at the end. You also use commas the same way as you would in any other piece of writing. Use the commas to give the reader a chance to breathe. I've corrected the areas where I thought that you used your grammar incorrectly. What might help you with your grammar is if, when you write your poem, you don't actually write it in a poem format. Write it as you would write a story. If you do that, you should naturally use the grammar correctly. After you've written it out, you should then write it in more of a poetry format. That's just a suggestion.
My only other critique is the fact that I sometimes find that the rhythm of your poem is a bit 'off'. Because the rhythm isn't all that good, it disrupts the flow of the poem. The flow of a poem is actually a lot more important than most people seem to think. I think that the reason behind the awkward rhythm in your poem is the amount of syllables you use in the lines. I'm not entirely sure though, I'm no good with poetry.
Keep writing!
xoxo Rhian
Hello there jasminebells!
All three of these "your"s should really be "you're" as in the contraction "you are".
The other grammatical issues and type-ohs and such seem to have already been addressed by other readers.
And I have to agree with ultraviolet.
That last line was wonderful. It just... I don't even know. It hits you like a brick and sums up the piece nicely.
Like the poem.
a lot. :]
toodles!!
~emerley
I'd just like to let you know that I really liked this poem, espcially the way you used color to separete statements that were connected at the same time, if that makes any sense. My favorite line would have to be the first two. It's a very intriguing statement that brought a few cool images to mind.
I'm pretty sure ultraviolet caught all the grammar mistakes.
Overall, it was very interesting to read and try to figure out, and I have to say I love how you got the inspiration;) Well nice work! Keep writing!
-Kate
Hi! Here to review as requested!
OK, so I'll probably suck at this, but here are some things I've noticed:
OK, so overall I think this is good.
I can't really say much more; I already told you, I'm not too familiar with poetry. But for someone who only knows what they like, not what they like about it, I like this.
loveness, ultraviolet