Published April 5, 2010
Just an excerpt from my new story thing. Kind of a trial, if you like it, I'll post some more. If you don't, well then, I'll see what I can do to fix it 
Here's the first couple, I've written about 20 so far.
~*~
"We met through Kristy."
That actually isn't much of a lie. We did meet through our mutual friend, Kristy, just not the way my parents would have approved of. Kristy was invited to a college party and at last minute, decided to invite me to go with her. We weren't that close but I was bored and tagged along. The minute we got there, she ran off to make out with her ex and I ended up standing awkwardly by the door, praying for the night to end. He came up and asked me what a gorgeous girl like me was doing hiding. His eyes were hazy and his words slurred but I still flushed and was giddy that a college guy would take notice of me. We talked and flirted some more and by the end of the night, were planning our first date. Kristy was ecstatic and two weeks later, we were going steady.
~*~
"We never smoked. That's just Dad's cigar's, not me."
At first, it was just one or two- a quick smoke before he dropped me off home. Soon, he began to buy packs of Camels for not only him, but me too. I didn’t like it much but I soon got addicted and didn’t really have a choice. Sometimes when he had a couple of cigarettes and a little pot, he was nicer. Not much nicer but still better than the permanently pissed off PMSing mood he seemed to be in all the time. The sweet yet sophisticated man I had fallen in love had disappeared and a fire-breathing dragon was left in his place.
~*~
"Oh, I slipped on some ice"
With time, the lies slid out slicker than an oil spill. My mother had always been wary of him but she had always hated any boy who wanted to date her precious 17 year old baby. I was a rebel at heart, always bringing home boys she was sure to loathe. He was a fresh burst of air and threw off the sheet of protection that suffocated me all my life. Even when he hit me, I felt a sick rush of adrenaline, very much like when you’re going downhill on a roller coaster.
~*~
"Of course not! He would never hit me!"
I remember the first time he did it. He had bought me some chocolates that I didn't like and I jokingly tried to throw it out the tinted window of the car. He stopped the car and his hand was fast and sharp against my face. It was silent for more than 10 minutes other than the soft voice of the girl singing about her love on the radio. I turned away from him and held my hand to the hot, throbbing welt on my face. It wasn't even that it hurt, it was just cruel shock that he would ever raise a hand to me. He and I didn't talk for almost two weeks after but he called and called and finally, I answered.
~*~
If you haven't already realized, it's sort of a memoir or diary of this girl who has/had an abusive boyfriend. It's not in the right order but it's meant to tell a story, starting from beginning to end. Eventually, it'll get to the present and you'll see what happened. Maybe, I'll have some dialogue :p
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
This has potential to be something great. I love the way you use the quotes and the style of your writing makes it build up nicely. I just want to see some dialogue out of it to get more insight on the characters and how they are. Amazing though(:
Hi, WritingWords here.
I liked the overall idea. It is very dramatic. But the beginning needs to be moreinteresting, to drag in the readers. I mean, the reader again doesn't know who Kristy is. I never think it's a good idea to include characters in the beginning that you aren't going to describe more.
And, this:
That was weird because why would he be so mad that he hits people when the girl threw out chocolates? I mean, chocolates?
It's a good start. Be sure to write more.
Hey there, Roe here to review!
You don't need an apostrophe in cigars
Just added a word and a comma, nothing major.
Again, added a word.
Added a period on the end of ice.
Maybe try to revise this. I'd try, "My mother had always been wary of him but, then again, she had always hated any boy who wanted to date her precious 17 year old baby." Or something along the lines of that.
All in all, I thought this was pretty good!
PM me when you get the next part up
Roe
Hi! Pink here
Till then,
Alright, what to say about this piece? I really like it, it's got a bitter taste to it but her love is twisted. I'd like to see more of why she likes him so much, what he does and what he got on her that makes her stick with him. I would love it so much more if you added a little more detail and length so I can take in her emotions and feel what she's feeling. Your wording is good and realistic and I didn't catch any grammar issues so yay!
I'd love to see where this issue goes and what happens to her, please do pm me when the next part is posted
~Pink
Hi, this is a nice fragmentary little piece, and only two things caught my attention:
1. Kristy was ecstatic and two weeks later, we were going steady. - this should be broken up into two sentences, and remind readers why Kristy is ecstatic. Yeah, sometimes one has to babytalk and spell things out:)
2. I was a rebel at heart, always bringing home boys she was sure to loathe. He was a fresh burst of air in the isolation tank that was my life - we have something like a contradiction here. You should add a sentence how the boys quickly disappeared from the protagonist's life - otherwise the 'always bringing boys' and the 'isolation tank life' seem mutually exclusive
I like the story the way it is, like a diary style fable. It seems to work fine without dialogue. Just add a few more paragraphs to wrap it up, and it will be an excellent little story in a non-standard style
I really like this, you most definately should post more. You could easily take the small fragments you have and edit them in to some form of a story. I can't wait to read more!
~ Bri
Hey Jasmine!
Well, I really would like it if you threw in a bit of dialogue. It'd help a reader to get to know the characters a bit more. Well, I get that it is a memoir of sorts but it would really help if there was little more to this opening paragraph.Ooh, "Hey, Soul Sister!" I love it. ^^
So, let me get into this.
I have a mixed reaction for this line. Well, I do like the way their relation has sprung (I'm not going to complain about her quick decisions or anything.) But, I feel that saying Kristy was ecstatic is just a way of bringing in and closing down the curtains on Kristy. Try something else.
So, I really liked this. It's good and I'd like to read more. PM me if you do post another.
Cheers,
~Lava.
Hey Jasmine! I can see since I've reviewed almost all your stories, that you've really grown a lot as a writer. You've gotten so much better at keeping me interested, and that's huge. I would suggest to you though that you try something outside of romantic fiction. I have a feeling you're probably most comfortable there, but I think if you really tried, you could reach higher and really improve. I quite liked this story, I thought the setup was pretty cool, and the plot was interesting enough.
Pm me if you'd like me to review the next part, or post in my WRFF again.
Keep writing!
~Hope
I thought this was really great and something very diffrent.But a suggestion, try to make the first section a bit more interesting. Something that you can get drawn into. I really loved ths sentence: With time, the lies slid out slicker than an oil spill. You should definitly post more!
-Snicker
I absolutely loved it! Please please please post more! I'm addicted already. Everything was beautiful, except for the fact that he was/is hitting her. Big no no, and if I were Kristy, I would kick some abusive boyfriend behind. I love the excuses, and they way you contradict them everytime, it just...fit. Like a perfect puzzle. Please PM me when you post more!
!RiOt!
Like Esther said, this story really has potential.
However....I believe that you have the right roots in place. It sort of seemed like you developed an outline with all of this information, but I think you should make this story longer and add more details, to differentiate from other teenage love stories. But I definitely think you have a good start on this story, I just think you should make it longer.
Hello there! I'm kind of new and I just saw your post and decided to read it. I just want to say that I liked this a lot. You have a lot of potential, that's the truth. I could tell that the entries were not in the right order, but that is okay since you can work on them later. I recommend that you not make this go on for a long time and keep it short and shocking. (Although I would like more to read!) The title may be a little long for my tastes, but that is up to you. I was quite impressed with the naivete and the ignorance that the lead possessed. She was believable, and that's always a good thing. I did not notice many grammatical errors either. Huzzah! I look forward to whatever else you do. Good job, and good luck!