Ryan Williamson was a mistake. He found this out as a young boy, living in a dingy, red-brick-against-grey sky type of building in Bedford, Brooklyn. His mother, with a bottle of cheap vodka in one hand, a lit cigarette in another, told him the story of his conception.
"I neva' wanted you. Your father, I neva' even knew his name," Her eyes closed briefly as she paused for a long drag, the ash falling to the dirty carpet floor. Smoke whisped out of her ruby-red lips, dancing up into her thin bleach blonde hair and she continued the story. The originally bright blue walls, had faded down into a dull grey, just like Ryan's mother's life.
"Me and Cecily, we was at a club in the city. Met him there, I don't even remember his name. I was too high off a' whateva CC had in her bag," she said, chuckling at the memories. She downed another gulp of the vodka, emptying the bottle before standing and walking to the tiny cooler by the door and picking up another. She returned to the used in
Laze-Boy she bought for five bucks at a yard sale, reclining back and finishing off her cigarrette. She dropped the still smoking cigarette onto the floor and stamped her foot near where Ryan sat playing with cars.
"Ryan! Are you listening?"
Ryan stopped banging his two blue NASCAR cars together, a Christmas gift from "That damn Amanda" as his mother so gently put it. His aunt Amanda tried to adopt him out of the roach infested apartment they used to live in to her nice condo in Queens. Her mother had hissed and yelled her way out of it, half dragging him to the new apartment in Bedford. He was barely a toddler and loved Auntie Amanda because she always gave him Mac' n' Cheese and called him her 'darling'. Richard looked up at his mother, sucking on his thumb, his bright blue eyes wide in either admiration or fear. It was probably the latter.
"We went back to my place and then two months later, doctor told me I was pregnant with you. I couldn't get no abortion cus' the money, so I was stuck. My life and dreams gone, cus' of you. You were a mistake,"
She took a sip of her vodka and turned away from Ryan, staring blankly at the wall, indicating the one-sided conversation was over. He was too young to quite understand exactly what his mother was talking about. She often went on tangents like this one. It was strange, at times she was loving and sweet, making him yummy food (Never Mac 'N' Cheese, though) and sometimes she went like this or even worse. His four year old mind caught the last sentence, as it was the one she repeated most often.
"You were a mistake,"
"
Maybe you could post a link to the edited version so I know where to find it.
This reminds me so much of a story my friend once told me, it breaks my heart.
Good start, but I think you need more emotion in it. I really want to feel it pulling on my heartstrings, I want it to make me tear up, make me sad.
wow! this is really good i wish there was more there is a story playing out in my head because of where you left it Really loved it Take away the last " that's all
Thanks
Hi jas, I'm late 8D
Shouldn't that be "Ryan" instead of Richard? and if not, who is this Richard?My main question after reading this is: Where are we going? You've nicely developed the whole "mistake" aspect of it, and you seem to have a good grasp on the mother's voice, but--what have we really learned by the end? It's backstory without the story, since, given the first paragraph, I assume the main character (and so the point of focus) is Ryan, and we really don't see much of him. Maybe you adress that in the second part of the story, maybe not--all I can see right now (a part of) Ryan's mother's story, and by the end I really don't even know all that much more. The aunt Amanda part gives an interesting contrast with the mother, but it seems to me like it could either be developed more or shortened: right now it's in that no man's land of it's-there-but-it's-not-that-useful details.
On to the nitpicking:
Pretty sure that line break shouldn't be there? It was rather distracting: I thought for a moment you'd forgotten to finish the sentence.
Overall: you've got a nice start, but it could do with more developing, as well as an increased focus on Ryan or a shift in the perspective. Keep it up :P
The question I kept asking as I read this story excerpt was "Why is she telling him this?" I wouldn't start the story with this conversation, but just before it. We need some sort of lead up to this conversation because it seemed odd for a mother who says she doesn't care about her son to be spending the time to tell him about his birth.
Every major character in a story must desire something and I honestly didn't feel that here. What does the mother want? What does the son want? What does the aunt want? And if the mother never wanted her son, why wouldn't she let his aunt adopt him? Try looking at things from the mother's point of view, make her a more sympathetic character.
She can still be an abusive person but don't make her out to be the simple, abusive for the sake of being abusive, type character. Was the mother abused as a child? Is she projecting her own insecurities onto her son? If so how can you show that in the story? Think about these things as you continue writing your story.
hello, jasmine...
I'm here to review your work...
well, the general impression after reading the story was some sort of the neglectful mother where the mother denies her child because of one drunk night. Interestingly, the first part is in the perspective of the older son possibly looking back to his past. Instead of him reflecting her mother's words, it was the mother who fills the past with the ending relating to the actual protangonist.
TThe thing that slightly bothered me was the last sentence on the first paragraph.
I am not sure but it seemed to have cut a few scenes and is a little bit of telling than showing- except for the description. Firstly, maybe is that you can introduce his past self and his mother. Maybe show the distance between them (Is the mother close to the child or is she across the room from him) or introduce the protagonist actions maybe to link to the toy-car scene later on.
I hope that helps...
PS
Sorry for no grammar review, i suck at it.