Published January 28, 2010
That forgettable face,
blending in with the crowd,
the one that rarely speaks
never boisterous, never loud
That girl whose name you can't quite place
the one whose hand is never raised
she hardly bothers to respond to much
not compliment, mockery or even praise
The one you barely notice,
She seems to live within her own mind
camouflages with the background
not mean, yet not really kind
You know nothing of her
but of course, you don't care, you see
The eternal wallflower
that girl, Jane Doe, that girl is me.
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140,776 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I'm actually in French class right now so if this review sucks don't blame me. Blame the French.
The ending of this stanza kind of throws off the rhythm, it's a little too wordy for my liking.Same here, I kind of feel like the rhyme is sort of forced here, and that's the worst thing that can happen when you're writing rhyming poetry. It should feel like it's flowing, not like it's being forced to flow.
I like this stanza, good way to end it.
So yeah I'm not a big fan of rhyming poetry that's supposed to be serious, but that's just me. It's kind of hypocritical of me because I can't write poetry without rhymes AT ALL. But those who can't write REVIEW! So I'm off to do more!
~Hope
Thanks!
Overall I didn't have any nitpicks... It flows well and the rhyming isn't bad. (To tell the truth I didn't even notice it rhymed until quite a bit later into the poem
The last part is meant to be powerful and provoking, am I right? Well, it's not too bad, but it could probaby be revised to seem a little more oomphtastic
I really did like it though
I really liked this poem and I agree with Story weaver in that you have obviously put a lot of thought into writing this. All in all not a bad poem, I am curious to know though, what inspired you to write this. The name Jane Doe sounds familiar?
-Matt
I really like this poem. It has a lot of thought put into it, and I can totally relate. The rhyme scheme was a little off in parts, but other than that I have no complaints. It was a clever poem.
Hey there!
What I like about this piece of poetry is the chosen vocabulary and the effect of it. I think you're also structured it very well.
My biggest problem is the lack of punctuation. Now, although this may be okay for some readers, I dislike poetry without punctuation. I can see you've given some midline commas every now and again but there's no end-of-line punctuation or midway full stops, etc.
The problem this creates is it hurts the fluency of your writing. I don't know when to stop, dwell or exaggerate. I don't know when to take a breather. I think you need to revise this thoroughly and give us something because without it your poetry is losing the effect and meaning it deserves.
Hope this helps,
Ben
Hey, here's that review you requested:
Your use of enjambment is good here, the poem flows almost flawlessly considering the lack of punctuation. The rhyming works really well in this as well.
I'm not sure here, I can't remember the last time I used the word, but shouldn't that be "whose" not "who's"? And also you've broken the flow here with the last two lines.
Specifically with "to respond to much" (That should be "too" the second time, but I suggest you re-word this anyway). And also "or even praise" but the break in flow here could just be the result of the line before.
Again here, the flow is broken by the third line. "Camouflages" (<< the correct spelling of the word.) is a long word compared to quite short ones you've got, and that along with background disrupts the flow. Also, I'm not sure why, but "not mean, yet not really kind" seems to be quite disjointed from the poem; it doesn't really fit. You might want to consider re-working this stanza a bit. Although I like the first two lines.
Really nice ending. However, to me putting a name in destroys the sense of mystery about someone that no-one notices, and giving her a name seems pointless. I would cut that if I were you. I really like the first three lines though. Good work!
I liked this poem. With some extra work it could be loads better! You've got a very good idea and a very effective rhyme scheme, so just improve the flow and edit it a bit and it's be great!
Keep up the good work!
This is a really good poem, and I love the concept and rhyme scheme. However, the line "not compliment, mockery or even praise", and a few after it, disrupt the flow of the poem. Aside from the few typos, that was all I caught. Like I said, though, this is a really good poem! =)