Published May 19, 2010
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hey jasminebells!
I really liked this poem! It had something new to it that I hadn't read before! I totally understand where this poem is coming from. It was nice a short but didn't flow that well for my liking. Some suggestions that need to be noted are:
This part didn't flow well because the second sentence was longer than the first.
Last thing to say, you can't rhyme something that begins with 's'. Example:
I know you can't help it but, it would be better if you could change it in any way. Please check your spelling before you submit!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
Hey jasminebells, I like this poem because of the imagery. I only have one critique and that would be in the first line
The first line should read, "Ever feel like your life was screwed?"
Besides that I'm liking this. I really love this part.
I really enjoyed the last 4 sections. The beginning was not bad. I just think you tried too hard to rhyme. It is pretty good though. Most people your age don't write like that. Pretty emotional. It has a lot of potential.
Great work emotional and true.
Though I have to say that I do not believe that failure is a sin rather it is the building blocks to something great.
Anyway fine job on this piece and keep writing!
-Dawn
Jas bwooooi!
Here to review. Innit.
As you can probably tell, I'm in a weird mood. I apologise in advance.
Now onto your review, my home skillin' biscuit! Bear in mind, my poetry reviews are nothing to sing and dance about. Don't expect anything amazing...
I think that a question mark would be effective here. If not, you could just use a period. You definitely need some kind of grammar mark though.
A few grammar marks missing?
You need a period here.
Missing grammar marks again.
It kind of felt as though there was a word missing were I marked 'here'. See what I did there?
I liked the second line of this! My only comment about it is that I think you should make 'it is' to just it's. I think that the poem flows nicer, like that.
I liked the second line of this too.
I thought that these lines were good. My only problem is that I don't quite understand what you're trying to say in the first line. Mind you, that might just be me being dumb.
I like your ending here! Plus, I agree.
Overall
I thought that this was a pretty good poem! It wasn't the best I've ever read, but it definitely isn't the worst. Not by far. I liked the idea of this as a whole, even though I'm not sure exactly what it's about. I'm bad at finding the meaning of poems though, so don't assume it's a bad thing. As I noted, I especially liked some of the lines. For some reason, they were all the second lines, as well.
My main critique is about the grammar. Many writers aren't aware of this, but poems need just as much grammar as stories and novels do. Without the correct grammar in a poem, the flow of the poem can get awkward and rather annoying to read. The same goes for stories and novels. In my opinion though, the flow of a poem is even more important than the flow of a story. To me, the flow of a poem more or less makes the poem. Without the correct grammar, the flow isn't so good. Therefore, not giving the poem the love it truly deserves. Aww... love. I'm not saying to abuse your poem with commas or anything, I'm just saying to be more careful. What I noticed was the fact that you miss out periods quite often. Especially at the end of lines. Remember though, you don't need a grammar mark at the end of every line. Only at the end of every sentence. Do you understand what I mean? Sorry if I'm being a bit unclear.
My only other critique is about showing and telling. You're doing an awful lot of telling, but not much showing. You're telling us what happening, but you're not really showing us what is happening. I'm pretty certain that there are some threads around YWS that give advice on showing and telling. You just need to practice a bit, that's all. The other thing I'd like to mention is imagery. You're not really showing us readers any images in our heads. This kind of comes under showing and telling. For example, what do you think is more effective?
I don't know what's happening, but it's hurting me.
I'm really scared now.
Or
As I fall into the cruel abyss, the darkness is suffocating me.
It squeezes my chest, makes me choke on what isn't there;
keeps me gasping for bitter, cold air.
I'm aware that I suck at anything poetic, especially when I make it up as I'm going along, but you get the idea? The second one is best because it makes the reader imagine what is going on. Or at least, that's what it's meant to do. By using adjectives, simile's, metaphors, personifications e.t.c, you'll be able to make your poem much more effective!
Negatives aside, I definitely did like this. It was original, or at least I think it was. It wasn't a cliché'd love poem either, thank God. It was a really nice length and except for some of your missing periods, the grammar was actually rather good! You put all of the commas in the right place, anyway.
Keep writing!
xoxo Skins
Hi Jasmine! Here to review your program again though I still suck at it and you rock at poetry. Kind of a poetry!
Okay so I am not sure if there should your or you? Did you mean that the second person screwed their lies or we feel that our life is screwed?I must say that this was better than the one I reviewed earlier. It had a rhyming scheme and a flow to it, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Hey these two words rhymed together so perfectly and I loved it!
I was a bit of confused about the second line's meaning but it can just be me!
This was a perfect line!
This was superb as I have said before but there's one thing I would like to get clarified. Don't we put full-stops here in poems? I am not confirmed so can you let me know. That's all I have to say! You are a better poet than a writer, though your writing is also a marvel!
Keep writing!
Flying off for now!
Hello
Bravo! Oh my gosh, what a poem. This is so deep and true. I absolutely love it. And I have the exact same feelings right now and they couldn't be better expressed in this poem. And your rhyming is not tacky at all, I mean , I have seen it all and this is great.
That is my favourite stanza and it really struck me. Amazing stuff hey. I just gave you a standing ovation.
When i read that first stanza I knew I had to review this. I've been through some pretty over the top stuff. And because of it I often find myself rude to people who did nothing to me. You write with a sense of emotion that I like. Keep up the great work.
~TheObserver~