Don't Remember Me

Hi Jas,

First of all I thought you did a really good poem, illustrating your poem very well and using good iCal and creativity.

Review

I get too caught up in the concept of someday and sometimes
and I trace my hand through the space between infinity,
between when you were here and when you were gone.

With that, I am confused about the "someday and sometimes" as I don't really see the meaning behind that. The rest of it I liked, particularly the part "space between infinity"
 
My fingertips are splotched with ink ,
I used to make whorls and swirls on your skin,
on wrists and cheekbones and jaw lines,
and someday maybe I’ll do it again but
I get too caught up in the concept of someday and sometimes.

Firstly, you didn't spell "whorls" it is spelled "whirls"
Secondly, I really didn't understand the gist of the "whirls and swirls on your skin" but anyway, nice job.
 
and I trace my hand through the space between infinity,
and I eat the sunflower seeds you used to hate,
crack, chew and spit
until the living room carpet is littered with my roach shelled anger.

Ok, I know you have probably noticed this anyway but at the start of the sentence "and" needs a capital. Also with the "and" that's not the right word to start off a paragraph so you should take that off and just leave the "I" I really liked this paragraph and the originality of "crack, chew and spit"
 
and sometimes when I’ve forgotten things,
the way your hair looked cut short for the summer,
the exact shade of your eyes under murky fluorescent lights
the ink-black whorls and swirls on your skin,
on wrists and cheekbones and jaw lines -
I look at yellowing photographs from a time
between when you were here and when you were gone.




Thanks for posting

CM
 

this poem really makes you think. the topic is one that really just makes you question everything. i likes the imagry you used. "crack, chew and spit" this line stands out beyond the others. it grabs the attention, partly because it's so short compared to the other lines. it does fit well though. i really liked how you kept going back to the ink, and skin. Alot of the poems i read are to the very concise. this makes your poem a welcome varient along a path of ccontinual sameness. you are a very, very talented poet, and if this is any indication of what you are capable of, you should end up in a book next to robert frost. i have nothing really to day negitivly about thid poem, but here is some advice. Bring out the anger, and other feeling more. Draw attention to the emotions your speaker is feeling. other than that, this is a very good poem overall.

Wow, I absolutely loved this poem! The way you repeated lines in just the right spots tied the whole thing together. So even when I reached the last heartbreaking line I felt the loss described in this poem. Seriously, that's how good it was.
I do however, disagree with Forestqueen808. I think that the sunflower seeds thing was a great way to convey the anger and frustration in this piece. I find that poems are often too focussed on one emotion that it drags the poem down slightly, it's barely noticeable. Infact, I hadn't noticed it until I read yours. The blend of the two feelings somehow made it more real, more vibrant.
I guess it's because, as people, we realize that nothing's ever that simple, as in one-emotion-only simple. It was nice to find a poem that conveys that; well done.
I was a little confused with what the whorls and swirls mean,like, whether or not it was literal, symbolizing abuse like Frostqueen808 assumed, or something different entirely. Anyway, I'm not sure if the meaning supposed to be guessed or whatever. But anyway, it added to the poem, in an artistic sort of way.( if that makes any sense ).
Anyway, (again) overall this was a very, very good poem.
My rating: 10/10

Keep it up!

w&w

This is a beautiful poem. Honestly. I love how you described everything. I love the last stanza especially. It kind of shows us a little bit of the girl he's missing. It adds a character in it, and that's good.

Okay. And I wasn't sure about this but I think its kind of pointing at abuse right? Well. I don't know. That's just how I read it and interpreted it, especially with this stanza:

My fingertips are splotched with ink ,
I used to make whorls and swirls on your skin,
on wrists and cheekbones and jaw lines,

Well. That's how I interpreted it anyways. I don't know if that was what you were going for but it just made it very interesting. I really truly think this is a beautiful poem. The one thing that kinda breaks the flow is the sunflower seeds part. If it were my poem I'd change it to something else. I can't exactly pinpoint whats wrong with it but it breaks it a little. But its really fine to just leave it(:

Anyways. I loved this poem and hope to see some more of your writing in the future(:

Keep Writing!
~Forest