Published September 21, 2008
She wore white robes and her feet were bare
And silver dust & gold tinsel were in her hair
She had bright red lips and just-pinched cheeks
A spectacle to remember for the next few weeks
But of all the forsaken places to find her be
It was at Mister Killer's slaughter house you see
Where everything was drenched in fresh blood
And to avoid it you'd have to be a lucky sod
You'd never imagine someone as magical as her
Would even dare to take a step in there
So imagine how strange I thought her to be
Since she was at Mister Killer's you see
And in the midst of the slaughter house madness
On her face you won't find a trace of sadness
But you will see pearl shaped tears of golden ice
But well that really isn't such a surprise
For within the walls of the bloody gory place
You'd see the agony in the little critter's face
And I guess she prays for their poor little souls
And ask for forgiveness for Mister Killer's human faults
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Hello, Dear, I disagree with Darklady above me, I thought it was pointless but yet brilliant. I love it, I've been here for a while and I just wanted to say you have alot of talent, and I don't just say that to anyone. I'm serious, I want to be you BFF after reading your post, it was extremely vivid and anyone who can do that, has true talent. Keep posting and writing keep me posted. Good luck and have fun!
-Max
okay. this is an... interesting poem to say the least. However, it doesn't quite flow right. I don't think it does at least. Some places can have words taken out, and others need re-wording.
beautiful description.
First sentence: I don't think the "and" in the middle is quite necessary.
Fourth sentence: I don't think the "but" sounds quite right
Sixth sentence: "fresh" makes it too long, doesn't quite flow
Tenth sentence: "would" seems unnecessary. maybe make it "To"? also, the ninth and tenth sentence don't rhyme, you keep rhyming A A B B and that is like.. A B C C. Though it rhymes in that sentence, odd.
I like the thirteenth and fourteenth verses
Fifteenth and Sixteenth again don't rhyme. you have a rhyming pattern A A B B and should keep that up. "Ice" and "Surprise" don't really rhyme, I think
last set of verses doesn't make sense. Plus bloody is the about the same as gory so one of those words is unnecessary. I can tell what you're trying to say, but you need to re-word it to make it sound better. You use singular on the eighteenth, but plural on the nineteenth, that doesn't make sense to me at least. Last sentences don't rhyme. However, it is well written, kind of sad. Beautiful though.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh, truly I did like it. Just keep an eye on your rhyming scheme, keep it consistent and keep writing. Good luck