Published January 22, 2011
Curious eyes stared out from behind thick lashes on the TV screen. A perky, blonde girl looked doe-eyed into every American household and asked, “Do you believe in true love? If you do, call 1-800-FIND-LOVE now for a free six week trail. You’ll also receive…”
Click!
“Kozlowski goes in for the goal,” an announcer was left waiting as a New York Rangers player hovered in front of the Montreal Canadiens’ goalie for a moment, before taking a shot into the bottom, right corner of the net.
A foghorn blared, and fans cheered uncontrollably.
“Kozlowski scores a…”
Click!
“Five were wounded last night in a convenience store robbery in Asbury Park. The alleged robber, twenty-six year old Diego Martinez entered the store around midnight.” The camera panned from a profile of the solemn anchorwoman’s chapped lips to a picture of a disgruntled, Hispanic man with cornrows. “Police say Martinez cornered shoppers and employees with an AK-47 after raiding the cash register and...”
Click!
“Oh Robert, you will always be my soul mate, but…”
“Say it, Barbara, say it!”
Barbara’s blown-out, soap opera hair deflated as she hid her eyes behind her dark brown locks. “I slept with Michael.”
Richard, with a supermodel worthy physique and cocoa skin, screamed out in rage. “How could you?!? How could you cheat on me with my…”
Click!
A pink dragon waddled around the set of a cheesy, mystical forest, where four-year olds popped up behind plastic trees.
“Today kids, we’re learning about the letter ‘W’. ‘W’ as in water.” Pictures of ‘W’ words popped up beside the dragon on the side of the screen. “’W’ as in wonderful. For example,” a sentence popped up below the talking dragon. “What a wonderful world!” The dragon pathetically bounced up and down on the balls of his feet – in his costume.
Greg cackled and turned off the power to the TV. A snapshot of the delirious looking dragon looking stoned faded into black. Greg reached for a handful of pork rinds and perched his feet up on his coffee table. Dried crumbs stuck to his scraggly beard. Looking up at the ceiling, he mused.
“A wonderful world?” He let out another annoyed chuckle. “More like a weird world. A worried world. A wacky world.” He screamed to be heard through his mouth full of dried pig skin. “A wandering, wondering world! A wishing world! A wimpy world!”
With that declaration, Greg Papilakos turned his TV back on, prepared to channel surf once again.
(Thoughts? Reactions? Comments? Likes? Critiques? *Thanks for commenting. I haven't been able to post lately because of generally being busy all the time, but I hope you really liked this piece. I really hope to post more soon - if I can. P.S. --Sorry about the line spacing thing - my computer holds a grudge and whenever I seem to post something, it messes it up so the format gets way out of whack. Well...Thanks, Jane! 
)
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
I have to say it held me until the end. It almost seemed like to much information, but Lethero said it didn't have enough. You need to reposition the descriptions. You have some areas full of description and vivid details, but other areas are bland and lifeless. Don't add more detail, just "reposition" it, as I said. Take out things like "Doe-eyed" and add description where it is lacking.
Also, if you plan to expand this(ie, write more chapters), you need a more expansive content range. As in, more than the TV, maybe the guy is a stalker?
He bugged his neighbors phone lines maybe? He listens in on conversations and sees how weird his neighbors are? Then maybe he hacks into various blogs online and ponders about how weird our world is and what motivates people?
As a final note, keep the story funny and entertaining no matter what you do. Yeah, sorry this review is a bit all over the place, just try to make sense of it, if possible. Sorry.
--ShadowKnight155
Canadian, not Canadien.
End Notes: You totally lack description in your story. I can hardly produce images in my mind of what's happening. My thoughts are is that it ain't that great for a beginning if it's being used to open a short story. It contains no hooks, no description, and no emotion at all.
Ellipses indicate a trailing off. What's happening here is an abrupt cutting off. As such, an m-dash (--) is more appropriate.
The announcer here sounds rather monotone. Also, "an announcer was left waiting" is not a speech tag; as such, the comma is incorrect. Try: "Kozlowski goes in for the goal!" An announcer was left waiting..."
Another thing, the mention of the AK-47 completely jerked me out of the story. For a convenience store robbery, a handgun or shotgun is more realistic, especially as AK-47s are fairly uncommon in the USA. Then again, I guess the oddity ties into the theme.
Again, interruption, so m-dashes are more appropriate, especially since you're continuing the sentence right after.
Overall, there were quite a number of spelling errors and punctuation oddities throughout this. Coupled with the huge space in between paragraphs, this made the story a bit trying to read. I suggest you proofread more closely next time and use the Preview option before you submit a post to make sure everything looks good.
As far as the content goes, it's wasn't bad. It was a bit odd, but more in the amusing way than the unpleasant, what the heck is going on, way.
All-in-all, a decent little piece.
Hey, Life here to review!
Wonderful idea! I loved the way you described the "wierd, wacky" world through channel surfing, as it is how we get almost all our information of the world anyhow. Your grammar was consistent all the way and I just found a few irregularities:
The bolded part feels like too much information after all the others before it. I like the word itself in this context, but consider changing this sentence as now it disturbs the flow.
Nothing wrong here, just wanted to say that it's a great sentence.
Here, I'd re-place "pathetically" to the end of the sentence, for a better flow. Just a suggestion.
Repetitive, please change.
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That's that then. Onto other things...
Greg was just the right man for this story, bringing out the wierdness of the world explicitley, for he was quite wierd himself. Good little touch there.
All in all, you had a good idea and you presented it well. What more to say? ^^
|Life|