The sky wrapped me in its cold arms,
Tighter and tighter.
I felt the clouds embrace me.
My feet were still on the ground,
But my head was in another galaxy.
I want to fly
To get off this planet that they call Earth,
To leave everything behind and pursue the stars.
If I try hard enough,
I can touch one.
I'm on the roof of a ramshackle apartment,
The moon is full and glowing.
I believe that if I just tried;
Would my invisible wings save me,
If I couldn't reach the heavens?
I took a deep breath as my bare feet slowly made its way towards the edge,
The edge of the roof,
The edge of my path,
The edge of my life,
With little reassurance, I jumped off the tile,
I was flying.
(Thanks for reading, hope you liked it!)
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Dear jane:
This was a very well-written, emotional poem, and I absolutely loved it. I think your perspective, language, and descriptions were extremely good in this piece.
I only have a few pointers for you:
-I would try to put more rhythm into this poem, so that it kind of flows better; it seems a little forced at some parts
-I would have liked this poem more if instead of doing ever other double-lines, just single lines stacked.
Thanks for the post!
~Elfy
There were some enjoyable moments in this, but I think there are a few places you can tweak that will really make it nice.
The end of the second stanza is rather unimaginative. Cheesy, to be frank. Yes, the confidence is nice, but it just sounds so... cliche. If you insist on keeping the idea, please change it to something less "Believe in yourself! Everything will be a success!" and more realistic.
Third stanza is okay except for the middle line. (Although I wish you would give more detail about the apartment!)
So while that may seem like a lot of criticism, I still think you had some decent moments. For instance I thought the first stanza was pretty interesting, as well as most of the second stanza.
PM me if you want to dialogue about this. See you around.
–antimelrose
Thanks for the reviews! I edited the poem a little bit!
I love your poem, I really do, but there is something I will like to point out. When writing a poem it should either be past or present, but what I see in you poem is a mixture of both past and present.
In your first stanza with the use of words such as "wrapped, were and was" show it was in the past. But in you second stanza words such as "want, try and can" show a present, so i think you have to harmonise them.
And also i think the first line in your last stanza is a bit lenghty, there should be a comma after "breath" and the rest should start a new line.
keep writing
Hi,
This was really good! I like how you explained the narrater doing suicide without stating it. You said I was flying instead which is great, I like implied actions/ideas. Just a tip, you should either capitalize the first word in each line or not. It would look more finished if you did that!I also like the use of italics!
Good job and keep writing! PM if you have anything you want reviewed!
-KAH
hello,
That was such a great image. I don't really have a review because all I can say is that it was unique and well written. Good job and keep up the great work.
If you need anything else reviewed since wasn't so long please feel free to PM me
Have a great day
Tiffany