Published April 27, 2011
You say that I don’t lie,
But can’t you see?
I’m innocent you say,
But I just don’t care.
You are the one who, you think,
I’m worried about;
Can’t you see that I’m scared,
For me…
I’m alone in this;
You can’t see me,
All you see is a good, innocent, naïve, girl.
I’m ready to scream,
Maybe cry;
I really can’t tell.
You play a different part for everyone,
I play one part for all.
I’m hiding beneath this smile.
On the out side, I’m fine,
Inside, I’m scared, confused, and alone.
I’m here child, cry into my shoulder. I love you and can hold you. I’ll hold you and never ever ever let go. I'll be here for you.
I like that. I love you God.
I love you too child. More than you can ever imagine.
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
This is really good!
I'm just a little confused here. I don't understand who "you" is. I'm guessing at that point you are not talking about God, but I don't know who. This part also didn't make sense to me...I love this part, and I think a lot of people can relate to hiding behind a mask of happiness. I know at least I can. It's so easy to put on a smile. I'll be here for you. I think this should have been broken down into separate lines.I like that. I love you God. Comma before God.Everything I noticed was pretty much cleared up. Other than that you are really good at the soft touchy sorts of poems if that is what you were aiming for. Nice job, great job, awesome job. Keep writing, and I also love your enthusiasm for God!!!!
nice poem!!! you should consider to take out the comma's in the last sentence:
I love how it starts so sad and then ends so great and happy!
nice work!!
qara
Hi there JaneAusten. Nice username by the way
Now let's get to the review part.
A) Stay away from stops. I noticed that you used a lot of periods, and that really makes everything choppy. Poems are supposed to be fluid, unless otherwise specified. Usually poems take up the use of the comma (,), the semi-colon (;) and ellipses (...) among others. You've inserted periods where perhaps some other, less STOP types of punctuation.
I found one:
The quotation marks make this piece seem more like a PhD paper than a light poem.
Yours,
Lavvi
I love this. It's so in depth, and it really talks about a relationship with God. He always loves us and is there for us, no matter what. Great job!!
Yes! Amen. This reminds me SO much of my poem. Seriously. It really does. It's talking about a mask that you both put on. Although your mask stays the same everywhere.
Best part, by far!
Maybe put a question mark instead of a period after this. It's a question.
These two lines took me a while to understand what you were meaning. But, I understand what it's saying now. So, I think you might want to reword this so that the reader can understand what you are saying much faster.
Wonderful line!!!!
I think a period might be better for both of these, or a semicolon, instead of a comma.
I kind of stopped after this sentence, and was wondering. Now, umm, what? haha.
I think it might be better if you said...
"I like that."
But, I'm not sure if that's what you mean. Correct me if I'm wrong please.
Overall, this poem is GREAT!!!!!!!!! LOVED IT!! loved it loved it. I am so excited that you could express your feelings through poetry. You did a fabulous job, and keep it up! I would love to hear more of your great work.
Hey! JaneAusten fan? =) I thought this poem was really good. You put a lot of feeling in which is great because thats what poetry is about =D I like the last three lines, it makes you happy where before the poem was sad. Actually I find nothing wrong with it at all =3 I think a lot of people will relate to it. Hahaha I think its great =D Keep me posted on more of your works =)