Published April 27, 2008
Mark tried to scream, but as soon as he opened his mouth the icy cold water flooded in, and all that emerged was a strangled gurgling sound. He kicked and thrashed against the firm hands that held him down, but he was only six, no match for a strong adult. His struggles were becoming weaker. His head broke the surface but before he could take a breath he was forced under again.
Through the haze of water Mark could dimly see the face of his mother, twisted into unimaginable hate, as she forced her son deeper into the freezing lake. Mark knew he was going to die. He looked up through the water that was to become his grave, looked up for the last time at the moon and stars glowing so coldly in the velvety night sky, then surrendered to the black tide rising behind his eyes, and prayed for it to end quickly.
I stood at the water’s edge, staring out at my mother as she forced my big brother’s head under the water again. I had long since stopped screaming, and merely stood in silent horror, the tears dried on my cheeks. I prayed for Mark’s head to pop above the surface, to take in that life-saving breath, but I knew in the pit of my soul he wouldn’t. As I stood there, watching my mother, the one whom I had always loved and admired, the woman I wanted to be like, I knew without doubt that my brother was gone forever.
My mother straightened suddenly, her murderous fire starting to die. In the distance, I heard police sirens and silently begged them to hurry. As I looked into the water I imagined I could see Mark, his face bloated, the lips purple. He floated down into the depths, the weeds grabbing at him and pulling him down into his grave.
The psychotic woman who had once been my mother locked her eyes on me. But then, as if she realized what she had done, what she was trying to do, I could see the fear glittering in her eyes. The fear of a wild animal backed into a corner, with only one way out. She glanced towards the distance, where the sirens were getting louder, then spun around and plunged into the inky waters. Waves splashed out and lapped against my bare feet, but I stayed frozen in place, oblivious to the water, and watched as the waves faded to ripples, then those too faded, taking with them the secret of all the horrors that had just occurred.
The next thing I knew a warm blanket was around my shoulders, and gentle arms lifted me up. The tears came suddenly. As strong arms held me close, I let the tears flow freely. The last thing I remember from that night is crying in the arms of a complete stranger.
TO BE CONTINUED*
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Every sentence in this paragraph starts with "Mark" or "he."
The beginning is good, but the sentence drags on a little for a dramatic opener.
"Mark tried to scream, but as soon as he opened his mouth the icy water flooded in, and all that emerged was a strangled gurgle."
"Icy" and "cold" are basically saying the same thing, so you only need one of them. "Sound" is also pretty redundant in this instance.
"He kicked and thrashed, but his six-year-old body was no match for the firm arms of a strong adult, and his struggles soon began to weaken."
This sentence needs more emotion.
"For one frantic instant, his head broke the surface, but before he could take a breath he was forced under again."
This also moves the pronoun from the beginning of the sentence.
Surprise! I'd put this at the end of the previous paragraph, or make it a paragraph by itself. I just don't like watering-down this revelation with the prose that follows.
If you use the previous sentence as its own paragraph, you could put this sentence on the end. However, I do have one point: how accurate is a six-year-old's knowledge of death? Is that old enough to understand what death is?
Again, does this seem like the attitude of a six-year-old child? I'd expect more confusion, maybe a sense of betrayal that his mother isn't ending his suffering, but I can't imagine a child so young praying for a quick death.
Whoa, sudden perspective change! You've got to give us some kind of warning here, or we're left thinking, wtf? Also, if this child is Mark's little brother, the question of understanding must come up again. A child that young might understand that his mother is hurting his brother, but these thoughts are pretty deep for that little brain.
This kid watches way too much TV if he can imagine his brother's drowned face so vividly.
Again, this kid is reading some awfully deep stuff into his mother's eyes and her expression. And "she glanced toward the distance, where the sirens were getting louder," just seems a little weird. Maybe try "She glanced in the direction of the crescendoing sirens."
A comforting ending for the kid.
Okay, this story leaves a lot unanswered. Why did the mother snap like this? Why did she kill the one child and not the other? Who called the police?
The biggest problem I have with the story, though, is the perspectives of the two children. I honestly don't feel that children this age would have these kinds of thoughts and feelings. Their minds are much simpler than that. They don't understand complex, adult emotions. It doesn't feel realistic to me at all, and because of that it seriously detracts from my enjoyment of your story. Maybe if the children were twice as old, but at six and younger, I'm just not buying it.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. It's a good little story, I just think it needs to be told from some other perspective, or be altered so that it reads as if a child is thinking, and not a young teen.
Okay thanks for everything. I'm rewriting this as soon as I finish the third chapter of The Love Note, and this'll help.
And by the way, I guess you can't tell it now, but the speaker is a girl.
Hey, Jamie. I don't think we've met before? Nice to meet you, if not.
This is a pretty good piece, probably a bit too short. Your descriptions are good, but you could elaborate in some places to extend the word count. If this is more of a Prologue type chapter, then it's probably an exception, but think about adding a couple of hundred more words or so.
Watch your sentence beginnings here. You start with "His" twice in a row. If you want to keep your readers' attention, then keep the beginnings varied.
The flow of this is a bit slow, so you should take out the second comma.
Have people told you about showing instead of telling before? Instead of stating things bluntly, try to describe them. For example, say things him starting to feel dizzy, his vision blurring, how he's swallowing water, etc.
Again, this sentence ruins the flow of the story. Try summarising it so that it doesn't require so many commas. Remember, if you have run-on sentences in the middle of a piece like this, it ruins the suspense.
Just scrap "the" hair, and make it, "his face bloated, lips purple." Otherwise, it sounds like there's some disembodied lips in there with him somewhere.
That's all I found. This is only a prologue, of course, but if you ca, try to add more characterising touches to your protagonist. For example, have him remember the good times he spent with his brother. Give some hints as to why this is happening today.
This was good. PM me when you put the next part up.
-Mat
Okay, I'll think about that. Thanks.
And yes, it is.
Okay, I'll think about that. Thanks.
2 thumbs up is all I can say
...I think you should use this as a prologue...buts thats just my opinion cause with the way part one ended it seemed to me that the MC was reflecting or remembering that tragic night.
one question: Is part 2 going to be on what the MC is doing now?
Okay, thanks for everything. Once the first chapter is done, I'll edit this and post them together.
Okay, all I am going to do is copy/paste your entire story and make all my corrections that way.
Need to make that more clear that it is the mother doing this] Waves splashed out and lapped against my bare feet, but I stayed frozen in place, oblivious to the water, and watched as the waves faded to ripples, then those too faded, taking with them the secret of all the horrors that had just occurred.
Well, here I go:
Mark tried to scream, but as soon as he opened his mouth the icy cold water flooded in, and all that emerged was a strangled gurgling sound. He kicked and thrashed against the firm hands that held him down, but he was only six, no match for a strong adult. His struggles were becoming weaker. His head broke the surface but before he could take a breath he was forced under again.
Through the haze of water [comma] Mark could dimly see the face of his mother, twisted into unimaginable hate, as she forced her son deeper into the freezing lake. Mark knew he was going to die. He looked up through the water that was to become his grave, looked up for the last time at the moon and stars glowing so coldly in the velvety night sky, then surrendered to the black tide rising behind his eyes, and prayed for it to end quickly.
[need a break line here to signify that another person is talking]
I stood at the water’s edge, staring out at my mother as she forced my big brother’s head under the water again. I had long since stopped screaming, and merely stood in silent horror, the tears dried on my cheeks. I prayed for Mark’s head to pop above the surface, to take in that life-saving breath, but I knew in the pit of my soul he wouldn’t. As I stood there, watching my mother, the one whom I had always loved and admired, the woman I wanted to be like, I knew without doubt that my brother was gone forever.
My mother straightened suddenly, her murderous fire starting to die. In the distance, I heard police sirens and silently begged them to hurry. As I looked into the water I imagined I could see Mark, his face bloated, the [instead of “the” here, change to “his” instead] lips purple. He floated down into the depths, the weeds grabbing at him and pulling him down into his grave.
The psychotic woman who had once been my mother locked her eyes on me. But then, as if she realized what she had done, what she was trying to do, I could see the fear glittering in her eyes. The fear of a wild animal backed into a corner, with only one way out. She glanced towards the distance, where the sirens were getting louder, then spun around and plunged into the inky waters. [this last sentence was awkward. I didn’t understand that it was the mother plunging into the waters…I though it was the cop cars
[okay, this last sentence needs to be changed. Try: Waves splashed out and lapped against my bare feet, but I stayed frozen in place, oblivious to the water. I watched as the waves faded to ripples before those too faded, taking with them the secret of all the horrors that had just occurred. That way, it doesn’t drag as much.]
The next thing I knew a warm blanket was around my shoulders, and gentle arms lifted me up. The tears came suddenly. As strong arms held me close, I let the tears flow freely. The last thing I remember from that night is crying in the arms of a complete stranger.
TO BE CONTINUED*
Oh, this sounds really good! Besides the comments above, you have a very sad and emotional story. I would have loved to see more detail and maybe a little more insight into your MC, but otherwise, everything seems good!
Please PM me when you post more of this!
OK, I'm working on it now. Thanks!
Nice, interested to hear the rest
OK, thanks.I'll do that when I rewrite.
Wow, your writing is very inticing... great imagery... The only critical response i can think of is that you omit the last sentence... it just seemed out of place to me...
Jonathan
Okay, thanks for the critique everyone. I'm working on part 2 now.
I really enjoyed this story and it is very intriguing.
Cant wait for the next part of the story.
Great story!! I found a few stuff wrong though...
1.) Velvety night sky,
I'm not sure if there's a word velvety. I think velvet would work just fine.
2.) The last thing I remember from that night is crying in the arms of a complete stranger.
I think it should be "The last thing I remember from that night was crying in the arms of a complete stranger."
I'm not sure with my first correction, though. I hope you'll continue, because this really attracted my attention.
I'll be waiting for part 2.
I thought it was good. Considering the plot of a mother killing her child, it was described kinda...gently. I remember you telling me that the mother killed herself, but in the writing it sounded like she tried to swim away rather than committing suicide. I think that a little more clarity would improve the reader's understanding of what has just occured in that particular scene.
But other than that, I beleive it was a great peice of writing.
Alicat159 :]
OK, I edited it. Thanks.
I actually think this whole thing would be better as a first chapter... I mean if you are going to pick up right where you left off in the "prologue". Not every story needs a prologue you could just jump right in. And if you're not going to pick off there you could use a good transition to where the main character is now.
But anyway, I think you could break up those paragraphs into just six. Or else it's just three large block-like ones. I find myself skimming over paragraphs that large. That last paragraph maybe you could join up that little section that's off in the bottom with it...and then hit the middle at a good spot and make it two fairly sized ones. But yeah that's not too important.
The previous review pointed out the errors and typos already. I didn't catch any others. Some sentences you could easily make into two.
could equal=
I had long since stopped screaming and merely stood in silent horror. The tears dried on my cheeks.
Your description in this is excellent. I could see the whole scene (which was kind of disturbing heh). I know people say things like "describe the characters more" and all that but sometimes what the character looks like isn't important right away...especially in a scene like this. You described the mother though (just the eyes), which fit perfectly. So good job on that. It kind of seemed like the main character was older; not exactly younger than six. Unless you mean maybe five...then I guess it fits. I don't know I was expecting at least nine.
But yeah...that's all I got. Nice work
no one else wants to review me?
OK thanks, I'll keep that in mind when I rewrite it.
I like it. A couple of typos you should sort out first though:
Should be "all that emerged"
Should be "in the arms of a complete stranger"
Although I'm sure they were just typos. The last sentence was very good. Enough of a cliffhanger to keep us reading, and a good way to wrap up the start of the piece.
The only thing that stood out to me as being a bit odd was the sudden change in narrative between the first and second paragraphs. I don't have a problem with a change in narative, but it seemed a bit too sudden for me. I think the first paragraph might work by itself as a prologue, with the rest of the piece becoming a first chapter. I think this would help to isolate the first paragraph and make it more clear that it's coming from a different viewpoint.
If you didn't want to do that, another idea might be to break up the two pieces of character narrative with a paragraph focussing on neither character, such as a description of the scene.
Other than that, the rest of it worked very well for me. You've got a good start to what can hopefully be a good piece. I hope to see more soon.
Josh