Published July 22, 2008
A cry of pain rose out above the crack of a gunshot. Like a scene from a movie, a teenage boy clutched his bloodied chest and fell over backwards. As he hit the ground, a girl about the same age detangled herself from the shadows surrounding the edge of the clearing. She was clad in a black turtleneck and dark jeans and flashes of moonlight glinted off the wire-rimmed glasses she wore. The thick grass muffled the sounds of her bare feet as she padded over to the body. In one swift movement, she bent down to check one bloody wrist for a pulse and straightened back up.
She looked down sadly at his face, eternally frozen into an expression of surprise and pain, and murmured, "I'm sorry Eddie, but you really shouldn't have ignored me like that. You were all I thought about, but you never looked twice at me. You gave me no choice." Without another word, she turned and walked away until she disappeared into the trees, not looking back as the blood sank into the earth around Eddie's broken body. A moment later, another shot cracked through the still night air.
In a swath of shrubbery on the far side of the clearing a branch snapped, revealing a face looking out with shocked and terrified eyes. Then a cloud rolled over the moon, and the clearing was bathed in darkness.
* * *
The blessed end-of-year bell rang through the hallways at Clover High School. Before the last echoes had faded out, a throng of teenagers surged into the halls, branching out into their own little groups. In the center of one of the largest, the dirty-blond head of Brad Liftridge could be clearly seen. He looked down, laughing, at the pretty Sophomore standing next to him. She playfully shoved at one impressive arm and tossed a huge triumphant smile at the others behind her.
From further down the hallway, the high, reedy voice of Christian Rei rose above the clamor, announcing a party at his house the next day at seven. Shawn Thompson, his voice also high, called back, "Who all you invitin' Christian?"
Christian didn't reply at first, but forced his way through the crowd until he reached Shawn. Christian had tanned skin, and was remarkably taller, skinnier, and handsomer than Shawn. "Well, Shawn, I thought I'd invite Brad, Ash, X," he listed names for a few more moments, and Shawn started to look slightly disappointed. Noticing his expression, Christian grinned demoniacally, scratched at his casted left arm, and added, "Oh, and Becca, too, of course."
Shawn grinned sheepishly, straightened to his full, unremarkable height, and ran a pudgy hand through his strawberry-blond hair. The sprinkle of pimples across his nose and cheeks grew less apparent as his face reddened. When he realized Christian had seen his reaction, he became very interested in his shoes.
Speaking to the floor, Shawn clumsily changed the subject. "Uh, you're parents ain't thinkin' of crashing, are they?"
Still beaming, Christian answered, "Naw, they outta town for another month, at least." Leaving Shawn to blush, Christian turned and shoved through the crowd towards his locker. Along the way, he tapped the his cast on the back of a skinny, bespectacled Freshman carrying a large stack of papers. When he got to his locker, he removed the only remaining object - a skateboard - turned and rode through the school's double doors. Most of the students left shortly after; Sean joined up with another Junior, the skinny Freshman quickly gathered up the papers he had dropped and scurried out the door, the cheerleader that had been with Brad walked over to a group of girls, and, linking arms, they trailed everyone else. Only Brad was left rummaging through his locker.
He quickly dumped the assorted items left in his locker into his bag, and was shutting the door when something caught his eye. Wedged in the corner of his locker was a folded up paper, yellowed with age. Without really thinking about it, he worked in out of the corner and stuffed it in his back pocket. Then he turned and pushed through the doors. Giving his eyes a moment to adjust to the glaring summer sun, Brad looked around; most of the other students had driven off, except Christian, who could be seen a few blocks away with a blonde Brad didn't recognize, and a little group of Freshmen. Brad scanned over their faces to see if the Freshman he had seen Christian hit was there. When they saw Brad staring at them, they hurried off in another direction.
"Ya know, next year we'll be Seniors, and they'll really have to worry."
Brad jumped when he heard someone speaking in his ear, and spun around to see two of his best friends. Kent Greenwood, the one who had spoken, stepped back and glared at Brad in mock anger. "Thought you was leavin' without us did ya?"
"I figured you went home early. Wouldn't be the first time. What did you want me to do? Hang out all day in that hell-hole just to find out you cut and went home early?"
Kent's companion, Arik Johnson, spoke up. "It's like you don't know us at all. We would never skip school and miss out on all the amazing educational opportunities."
"Yeah right. The only reason you guys came today was to see the squad give their end-of-year performance. Why were you late anyways?"
Kent laughed. "Ms. Bitch-acre held us late. Somethin' about us not doin' our homework last night." Ms. Bisacre was their math teacher.
"It's her own fault for making homework due on the last day," Arik cut in.
"Yeah, then somebody tried to get us off the hook by asking her if she would really punish us for something we didn't do, and somebody almost got us beat to death with her yardstick." Kent jerked his thumb at Arik every time he said "somebody," just in case Brad couldn't figure out who he meant.
The guys started walking, but before long Kent stopped. He straightened up to his full height, and went rigid as a dog on bird-point. Brad followed his line of sight back to the school's front doors. Arik, who was at least a foot shorter than Kent, had to tiptoe to see.
Rebecca Mathews and Keren Kelga had just come out of the school, still wearing the uniforms from the cheer squad's performance that day.
The boys slowed their pace, giving the girls no choice but to catch up. As soon as they did, Kent casually walked over and draped his arm around Keren, the only girl in school close to his height. "Hey Keren, so I had this idea, right-"
Becca cut him off, "You had an idea? Better tell us before it dies of loneliness."
Before Kent could reply, Keren removed his arm, turned to Becca and said, "Come on. Let's get out of here before they come up with any other ideas."
They turned and crossed the street, hips rolling smoothly. Brad, Kent, and Arik followed them to their street, only admitting defeat when they saw Becca's dad on his front porch drinking a Bud. They turned instead for Christian's house, which was just down the block.
As the guys were walking up Christian's driveway, he pulled up behind them on his skateboard. When his arm had broken, the doctor ordered him off the skateboard until the cast was removed. Christian had been on it the next day.
"Where were you?" Kent asked. "You should'a been here before us."
Christian grinned. "I had to walk Kathlina home."
"What happened to Michaela?"
"She skipped today, and she lives on the other side of town."
"What are you gonna do when she finds out?"
"Eh, I dunno. She's getting a little old anyways. And this total babe just moved in across the street."
Brad shook his head, but secretly admired Christian's ability to pull it off flawlessly.
Christian kicked the skateboard into his four-car garage and ushered his friends inside and into the living room. The house was lavishly furnished in Asian style furniture, rugs, and wall art, and the far corner of one wall was almost completely covered by a plasma screen TV. Brad and Christian sat on the couch, Arik chose his favorite overstuffed armchair, while Kent disappeared into a kitchen half the size of Brad's house.
"So, this party?" Arik prompted.
Christian answered, "We got an ass load of people comin'. X is the DJ, we got plenty of space for dancing. My dad has some six packs and whiskey locked up, but I found the key last year. We just need food. My mom left five hundred dollars emergency money, think that'll be enough?"
The guys laughed. Arik, who was always broke, looked faintly jealous.
Christian went to get the money and keys while Brad, Kent, and Arik went outside. By the time Christian got outside, Kent and Arik were waiting in the Chevy Pick-Up's bed, while Brad was leaning on the hood. Christian and Brad climbed inside the truck, and they drove off to the local, and cheap, convenience store.
When they got back, Brad happened to look at the dashboard clock as he got out. Immediately he jumped out. "Oh shit! I was s'possed to be home ten minutes ago! Gotta run!"
Kent, who was climbing out of the bed, looked at Brad. "Oh calm down. You're always late and the 'rents never care. You could come home tomorrow and get away with it."
"Yeah, but I been late everyday this week. Dad said if I'm late again I'm grounded."
Arik started grumbling that that was what he said every time, but Brad had already taken off in the direction of his house, book bag flopping wildly on his back. He turned onto his street half an hour late, breathing a sigh of relief when his parents old Corvair wasn't in the driveway. Bursting through the door, Brad kicked off his shoes in the mudroom, threw his bag on the couch and proceeded into the computer room.
His eight-year-old sister Kamren was sitting on the ottoman, and she looked up from the monitor as Brad walked in. "Ooh, you're late! I'm telling mom and dad!" As she finished speaking, Brad heard the sound of an engine being cut off and a car door slamming. Before he could move, Kamren had leaped off the stool and ran past him. She skipped down the hallway, gleefully chanting, "Brad came home late!"
Brad laughed and shook his head before following his sister into the mudroom. Brian Liftridge stooped to hang his coat on the back of an antique style coat rack, ran a hand back through his thinning brown hair, and looked up as his son walked in. "Call it a hunch, but I get the feeling you came home late?"
"I was at the store with the guys. The line was huge."
"Why?"
"I guess because it's payday. There's always a lot of people on pay-"
Brian cut him off, "I meant, why were you at the store, wise ass?" His words were stern but his eyes were laughing.
"Oh. We needed food cuz Christian's throwing a party tomorrow."
"And I'm sure you asked your mother if you could go already, because I certainly haven't been informed."
"Uh, I was gonna ask as soon as you got home?"
As they were speaking, Patricia Liftridge had been standing by the screen door, listening silently, but now she spoke up. "Aww, let him go, Hun. I seem to remember you were quite the partier back in high school."
Brian looked back at his wife and laughed, then turned back to Brad. "Fine, you can go."
"Thanks Mom! You're the best!" Brad turned and ran off to the stairs. Pausing half way up he turned around and added, "Well, sort of."
Slamming the door to his room, Brad picked up the fun and dialed Christian's number.
"Yeah? What is it Brad?"
"I just asked. I can go."
"Great, I guess."
"What d'ya mean?"
"We all knew you'd be allowed to go. Your mom never says no."
"True. Have Kent or Arik called yet?"
"They're both still here. But they called home; they can go. Everyone's coming at seven tomorrow."
"Okay, cool. Wait!"
"What?"
"No one invited Ritchie or Zach, right?"
"Those losers from math class? Hell no!"
"Good. Later."
"Later."
The line clicked off and Brad hung up. Pulling off his shirt, grabbing the remote and flopping down on his bed, he switched on the TV. Disney Channel was playing, which meant Kamren had been in his room again. Groaning, he switched to HBO instead, where a horror movie was playing.
Brad was just dozing off when Kamren came skipping into the hallway, loudly singing that dinner was ready. Brad switched off the TV and poked his head out his door just in time to see Kamren at the end of the hallway. She turned to face him, grimaced and mimed throwing up, before turning and disappearing down the stairs. Her dark brown hair, braided with a red ribbon, flew out behind her. Brad got a bad feeling.
When he hit the staircase, Brad had to fight not to retch; the smell of his mother's latest homemade recipe, meatless meatloaf- or as she called it, wheat loaf- was wafting up from the kitchen.
Brad took his place at the table, muttering, "Yum," as his mother plopped a huge chunk of wheat loaf on his plate. She glanced at him sharply before setting down the pot and taking her own seat. Cutting off a tiny chunk, he popped it in his mouth and gulped it down with a swig of Dr. Pepper. His dad shot him a sympathectic
Kamren started talking about the party they had had at school. Brad noticed that between sentences she was eating the corn. The wheat loaf was untouched.
Brad managed to get down half the wheat loaf before he gave up. Spooning down some corn and chugging his Dr. Pepper, he quickly got up and dumped the wheat loaf in the garbage disposal before Patricia could tell him to save it. Looking back at the table, he saw Kamren had only managed three bites, and was attempting to drown it in Ketchup. Laughing silently at her from behind his mom's back, Brad turned and ran back upstairs to shower.
By force of habit, he cheched his pant pockets to make sure they were empty. He felt paper and pulled out a crumpled dollar and the old paper he had found in his locker. I don't remember ever using yellow paper. Must be old. He started to trow it away, but curiosity overcame him and, careful not to tear it, he unfolded the paper. Quickly skimming over the words, his mouth dropped in surprise. Someone had a secret admirer. Wonder who Eddie is. Brad thought the name seemed vaguely familiar, but he couldn't think where he would have heard it. Shrugging, he put the note and the dollar by the mirror.
Brad stripped off his pants and turned the temperature knob all the way to the blue "C," a trait no one but him understood.
Just as he was about to get out, he thought he saw a shadow through the glass door, as though someone was standing in the bathroom. He slid it open a crack and peered out, but the room was empty. As soon as he closed it though, the shadow returned. Bigger this time, like it's owner was closer to the shower. Again he peeked out into an empty bathroom.
Slightly frustrated, he passed it off as one of Kamren's dumb tricks and stepped out of the shower. Wrapping the towel around his waist, he grabbed the note, dollar, and his clothes and walked down the hall to his room.
The rest of the night passed normally, and Brad fell asleep shortly after one in the morning.
It was just before noon when Brad woke up. Getting up, he walked to his closet, pulling off his pj's as he went. Ten minutes later he came into the kitchen, dressed in faded old blue jeans. The kitchen was empty; he found a sticky on the refrigerator and skimmed over what his mother had written:
Brad, we went to Wal-Mart.
We'll be back by three. Feed
your sister.
Typical, Brad thought. Sighing, he walked back upstairs and beat on Kamren's door. When there was no reply, he entered anyway, and went straight to the blinds. He opened them, letting in the glaring sunlight. Kamren's head popped up from a tangle of bed sheets. "Wuzzgo'non?" She mumbled. "Brad? Go'way. Trynt'sleep."
"Whatever. Get- oh shit! Kamren, get out of the bed! There's a spider! A spider!"
Kamren screamed and jumped a foot into the air, crashed down to the floor, leaped back and looked around wildly. "Where? Where is it!" She looked around a moment more before thoughts caught up to her, and she slowly turned to Brad, who was doubled over laughing. "You dirty little butt head! I can't believe you!"
Tears streaming from his eyes, Brad looked at her and said, "Hey, that's payback for the dumb shadow trick last night in the bathroom."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb Kamren, I know it was you."
"I don't have a clue what you're talking about."
"Whatever. Get up and get dressed. You're going to Brittney's house."
"Why?"
"Cuz I have to go Christian's house and you can't stay here alone."
"Why are you going to Christian's house?"
"We're planning a party." He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth."
"A party? Will Arik be there? Can I go?"
"Yes. Yes. No, you're going to Brittney's"
“But I’m hungry.”
“We’ll stop at McDonald’s on the way.”
Muttering under her breath, she climbed reluctantly out of bed.
Brad left her to change and shower. Walking downstairs, he turned into the family room, grabbed the remote, and plopped down on the couch. He quickly stood up again as he heard a sharp crack. Looking down, he saw a pair of wire-rimmed glasses half-hidden in the seat cushion, broken now that he had sat on them. That's weird. I don't know no one that wears glasses. He guessed they belonged to one of his father's friends and went to the kitchen to throw them away.
As he turned to walk back to the family room, Kamren came downstairs fully dressed. She looked at him and complained, "Aren't you even going to put a shirt on before we leave?"
"No." Without giving her any more chances to argue, Brad turned and led the way out of the house. His parents had taken the Corvair, so he grabbed the keys to the Volvo as he walked out the door.
Kamren was still sulking, and didn't speak the whole ride, except to give her order at McDonald's. When they arrived at Brittney's house she got out without saying goodbye and slammed the door. Brad shrugged it off and pulled away from the house, onto the highway.
Brad glanced at the dashboard clock. It was one twenty three. He quickly did the calculations: a half-hour drive if the traffic was light, put him at Christian’s house by one fifty three, two thirty at the latest, no more than an hour to set up. I got plenty of time; maybe I'll swing by Becca's house on the way there.
As he looked back to the road he took a passing glance at the car settings, and almost jammed on the brakes. The passenger side airbag was on; it was activated by weight. Even Kamren couldn’t get it to turn on. He blinked, and still the little airbag light was on.
He looked at the passenger seat. It was empty, but peering closer, he noticed an impression on it. His first, rather childish thought was that it looked like an invisible person was sitting there. But sure enough, no matter how hard he looked or how many times he blinked, the imprint didn't go away.
The sound of a blaring horn jerked Brad's attention back to the road, and he realized to his horror that he had just driven into oncoming traffic; an eighteen wheeler was barreling at him. Now he did jam on the brakes, cranking the wheel a hard right. Cars honked and screeched their brakes to avoid hitting him as he desperately tried to regain control.
The Volvo bumped off the road, teetering on two wheels. For a second Brad thought it might steady out, but the wobbling car hit a large bitch and pitched over onto its side, before rolling onto its back. His forehead cracked painfully off the steering wheel, leaving drops of blood behind. His left shoulder was jammed into the car's roof, and a sickening cracking sound came from one of his legs, sending blinding pain up his right side.
The windshield and windows shattered, pelting his bare chest with shards of glass. The seatbelt was constricting him, making it hard to breath. Finally, the car shuddered to a stop on its roof.
Brad managed to hold onto consciousness for a moment, but before long he pitched into a wave of welcoming darkness.
* * *
He stirred for a few moments before the ambulance arrived. Pain throbbed through his entire body and the car interior was flicked with blood. He was confused, but was pretty sure he was upside down, held in place by the seatbelt. Through the shattered windshield he saw a figure looking down at the wreckage, and as his vision cleared she came into focus.
It was a girl about his age. She had wire-rimmed glasses and was, despite the boiling summer heat, wearing a black turtleneck and dark jeans. Brad opened his mouth to call out for help, but something stopped him. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe it was the look of sheer joy on her face as she took in the mangled car and spattered blood.
Brad got the feeling she didn't know he was conscious. Seconds before her eyes shifted to his face, another wave of black rose behind his eyes, and he sank gratefully into it.
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hi,
This always happens to me. I read a really great story and say "Oh, I can't wait to review this" when everyone has already helped that person with their mistakes. *Sigh*. I have to learn to read stories earlier. Your story was honestly amazing.
After I am finished this review I will have to go read what else you have written. I absolutely love the twist to. She loved him but killed him because he ignored her. Oh! I love it. Just my type of story. It's like in Kate Brian's book "Private". You should really read it. It reminds me a bit of your writing.
Please PM me as soon as you have a new chapter out. I want to be able to review it, so I just won't say my thoughts.
Love,
N
Sorry I was so very slow in getting around to this!
From the looks of it everyone else went super in depth with this, so I guess there's a chance I might end up bringing up points other people have already mentioned.
I think you could get away with just saying 'dark clothes' rather than naming what she wearing piece by piece.
Unless you mean a person actually called X (I suppose it could be a nickname, but it doesn't really seem like on anyone would end up with) then just add in another name to make it seem more realistic.
I think a bit of your sentence got cut off there XD
Sorry this isn't too long, but I'm pretty sure that everyone else has picked up on other points already. Hope that this was at least of some use to you, even if it is a little late XD.
Other things:
-Some of your names have inconsistant spellings, such as Shawn and Sean.
-Pretty much every character is introduced with their full name, when really you just need to give the first, otherwise there's just too much to rememeber, just like if you were introducing someone to a friend you'd usually only give their first name.
-It's clear that Kent has an accent, but sometimes it can be a little difficult to understand, so toning it down a little might help
-It seems a little strange have Brian's parents being called by their proper names, just plain old mum and dad might be better fitting.
-Brian's parents seem to let him go to the party without much hassle. I'm not too sure how often the 'you were quite a partier when you were younger' line would work, most parents tend to be more protective of their kids, and try not to let them make the same drunk mistakes that they did XD
-Brain and Christian's phone conversation gets a little confusing because it's not mentioned at all who is speaking. By the end of it I wasn't really sure who was saying what XD It happens a few times with other streams of dialoge, so try putting in more he said she said, that sort of malarky.
No, not too harsh at all. It was a lot of help.
Thanks for everything, though I can't rewrite just yet what with school back up and working on chapter three, but when I do rewrite I'll remember this. 
Thanks again!
Hi Jamie! I'm soooo sorry this is so late! I'm shocking and you should fire me. ^^
But! I have my answer for you. I think your characters are slightly stereotypical. And I think your situations are as well. Your whole first section is so very... ick. It's contrived and feels like a B grade movie scene. It's been done before - and, to be honest, done better. We don't get the mystery from it, or the shady feeling of terror and suspense, as I know I'm meant to feel.
Your characters aren't just stereotypical because they're highschool kids - most of whom are boring and similar - but because you describe them in such a way that I'm left thinking "Oh I've heard this before and can see where it's going" The unremarkable best friend of the amazing guy. Who's probably in love with the girl who ends up liking Brad/the best friend or dies. It's all foreseeable right now.
What I think you need to do is not thinking about what you're writing, but just write. Because right now it isn't a story, it's a recount. I couldn't ever get into this, because it feels like it's been laboured over to be readable, you know? What you want is for the reader to be able to sink into the narrative and then later say "that was written amazingly, I hardly remembered it was writing and not real" You don't have this yet - which is cool, you're young and so is the story.
What I would suggest is reading over this again and thinking about what you want to say. Make a list of your characters and their traits, and where you want them to go. See how similar these are to the movies and books you read of a similar kind to the genre of your story. This should let you see how stereotypical your characters are or are not. It should also help you get into the character's minds a little more, know where they're going and what they're thinking. This will help you make your story more realistic then it is right now.
This has potential, don't get me wrong. You just need to give it some more work and look at it in a different light. I hope I've not upset you at all with my amazingly deconstructive comments. But I do think you can do well if you work at it.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Hi. I'm not sure if someone already answered this question but what they mean by Disney is that it's sort of little kiddish. Disney is known for having shows that are made for older kids rated G and for sometimes having a poor reputation when it comes to what is likely to happen (ex: High School Musical; you're not going to see people start randomly dancing in the middle of the hallway. First off, people don't just randomly appear from classrooms. Second off, there's no possible way that any of the school Administrators would be okay with it, unless they were doing a play. Finally, there are talent-less and uncordinated people in the world like me who can't sing or can't not trip on feet to save their life.) Lifetime movies are the same way. They aren't little kiddish but everything is over-dramatic, the ending is predictable and more than half the time, if they didn't miss one tiny detail, the story would have been over in less than an hour but then they wouldn't have a plot then, would they?
This part bothers me; wouldn't you want to know what something in the corner of your locker was and read it then? Why didn't he find this at the beginning of the school year, when his locker was first clean?Ignore my ramblings; it's early in the morning. For that same reason, I'm going to look over this review when it's light outside to make sure I didn't miss anything.
Grammar, sentence structure and things that don't add up
I don't understand the last part of this sentence. Try rewording it.
Technically, they're still on school grounds so it should be "...this hell-hole..." because they haven't left it yet.
There should be a comma after the first word because a comma indictates a pause and you normally pause for a short second after you say "Yeah."
Anyways isn't a word but to make it right, just take off the S.
This two sentences are okay but try to hold them together by a semi-colon. For some reason, it doesn't seem right to me that the sentence is started with Somethin'.
What does hips rolling smoothly have anything to do with the rest of the paragraph?
Shouldn't he have already been there? I know his arm is broken but that doesn't have much to do with how fast he rides. Considering they stopped for a few minutes, first to talk to each other, then to talk to those girls and went toward the girl's house, there is no way he couldn't have been there before them.
I didn't see this a second ago but after reading a few more lines into it, does he mean the "total babe" is Kathlina or someone else? If it's Kathlina, he really should have been there after them.
"Yeah, but I've been late everyday..."
Calling him his first name is okay here, so we're introduced to him as something other than just his dad but here
start saying "Brad's dad"
First off, don't start a sentence with a conjuction; it's a connecting word, not a beginning word. Second off, you need a question mark at the end of the sentence instead of a period.
I'm confused on this part. Why would he say "Well, sort of." when she granted him permission to a party? In my house, I'd say that and get the response "Well, if you added 'sort of' on to your begging to go when there are still a few days til that party and we could easily change our minds because it's not final yet, then you must not want to go as much as we thought."
Try combining these two sentences because you're not suppossed to start a sentence with a conjuction and it makes it look a little better.
You skipped from talking about his little sister to him getting a bad feeling. This fits somewhere else but not here.
Wafting? I've never heard that word before and even though I can figure it out with context clues, you might want to use a simplier word. Some people aren't good with context clues and they may not have a clue what you're talking about.
This line isn't finished! Finish it.
He's thinking this so put it in italics.
Put in italics for the same reason listed above.
This part creeped me out when I first read it.
There shouldn't be quotations there but I'm guessing it's just a simple typo.
Put this in italics and replace No One with Anyone.
Comma after House.
Since I covered a lot above, below are going to talk about the characters, plot and suggestions.
Brad
I liked him. Since I'm just starting high school in a little under two weeks, I can only go on what I've read from books. He seemed realistic enough but nothing big stood out about him. He was a good brother (once again, judging from the books I've read; I'm an only child) and he reminds me a lot of what my older cousin has done to me when I won't listen to him or I'm just annoying him. I liked how he was with his friends and he seems to be the best one out of them.
Christian
I don't like him all that much because he's one of those players that girls seem to like. He seems like he's the ringleader of this group; that everything his friends do basically center around him.
Arik, Shawn and Kent
You focas a lot more on the other characters than on them. I understand that they're minor characters but maybe tell us more about them.
Plot
I didn't understand the prologue at first but I know that you clear some of it up in the next chapter. The plot idea isn't really original but I liked the twist and how it happend to one of the football player's friends and not the football player.
Suggestions
Brad and his dad's name are too similiar. Change one of the name.
Go over your story before you post it or preview it; that way you can find little mistakes that could have easily been avoided.
Work on your sentence structure and sentence flow. Try reading the lines out loud and that should help with that; you're more likely to catch mistakes if you actually hear them. You can always PM them to me if you aren't sure about something and I'll help you; I've edited a prologue, a chapter and a half of a chapter just by PM.
PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter
Thanks for the reviews. I'll be working on chapter two a lot more so those chnages probably won't be made for a while.
Ok, I am back. My mom is going to take the laptop soon, so I'll get done what I can.
As far as I could see you made minimal grammar and spelling mistakes, it's very discriptive and I can visualize parts which doesn't happen often on this site. Anyways there's no help I can give you storyline wise. If you need more reviews you know where to find me. Au revior
Boon the Werewolf
Hardly noticable, but you need to put a space between School. and Before.
I don't think handsomer is a word
I have to leave right now so I will finish this when I return. I promise.
Hardly noticable, but you need to put a space between School. and Before.
I don't think handsomer is a word
Thanks. And about the paper, I would tell you what it said, but I'm romantically challenged and don't have a clue what to write in a love note.
I thought this was pretty good. I like how it is just the typical life of a teenager besides the catsuit girl and stuff. All the dialogue was pretty realistic and the way the teenagers reacted to each other. I thought the cussing didn't need to be in there but that is just me. Yeah it made it more realistic but it's really not a necessity.
The shower thing was pretty creepy. I liked that. I felt it was a little strange that the girl was in a catsuit. Like someone said above I thought immediately of Halle Berry as catwoman. Though this is only chapter one so I am sure you will explain what the deal with that is.
I felt like you probably should of told us what the paper in the paper bag had said. I'm assuming (though I don't know for sure) that it connected to the catwoman somehow. Maybe you could tell the reader what it said so him receiving the note and then all the creepy stuff after that, including the car crash would make a little more sense. But I do feel like in a way it was clever of you to not say what was on the note because you added some mystery. Now I really am curious to know what that note said. So if it was all to hook the reader than it makes sense.
I felt like it flowed very well overall and you moved the plot along nicely. Nice job!!
Okay, thanks. Not harsh at all, just helpful. A question though:
Why exactly do people tend to think that this comes off as Disney style? You've said that, multiple times. It would be nice to know what comes off as Disney, and why.
Hi there! This was a pretty good, though frankly, it's not without flaws, either.
Good things first, though: the intro was a really good hook.Your dialogue was well-written and flowed very well. I thought some of your characterization was pretty sound: the sister, especially, was a spot-on little sibling: sort of annoying, but someone you love anyway just because she's your little sister. And, at the end, i thought you described the car accident very well.
Though the problems aren't really major, they did drag things down a little.
First, some nitpicks, mostly grammar.
I think starshine might be one word... but even then, are stars really bright enough to make reflections on somebody's glasses?
Having finished the chapter, I guess you must have had some reason for her to be barefoot, but it seemed kinda silly to me. XD Sorry... I kept thinking, now wouldn't it be funny if she ruined the whole dramatic moment by stepping in dog crap, or something?
Comma after "sorry."
I... don't really understand this sentence. A branch snapping is a sound, so how could it reveal a face?
There should be a space after the period.
I think "folded-up" might need to be hyphenated.
I think you might have meant "it," not "in."
Kind of a nitpick, but I'm almost positive that the plural of "freshman" is "freshmen." Also, I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be capitalized.
I think you mean "tried," not "tired."
I must say that this comeback really made me laugh.
XD Where did the grammar go? "I'm," not "I'," and get rid of the quotation mark after "mouth."
Now, as for your characterization... for some characters, it wasn't bad. I really liked the sister and the parents, and I'm interested in finding out more about Weird Barefoot Girl. However, the teenagers, especially Brad... not so much. Actually, I spent most of the time I was reading wondering if you're deliberately trying to make Brad seem like a big jerk, or if it's unintentional. He just wasn't very likable at all, frankly. Same goes for his friends. They all seemed a little flat and cardboard-y. Like Cade said, they kinda felt more like Disney Channel stereotypes than real people, and I had a lot of trouble telling them apart. However, I'll stick around to see if they get any more development. After all, this could be part of a bit of a prejudice on my part-- most of my thoughts were along the lines of "Who honestly acts like this?" but, then again, I'm a shy nerdy kid who hangs out with slightly cooler nerdy kids-- I might just not know the people who are this way.
I think, at the beginning (as soon as the scene with the shooting ended), I was a little confused as to what was going on because the POV wasn't very consistent, I couldn't work out who was telling the story.
I did think the dialogue was pretty good, so give yourself a pat on the back for that.
I also thought it kind of sagged in the middle. While the beginning and end were interesting, I really thought we could use some more foreshadowing to keep the middle from being boring: perhaps having him continue to be haunted by the content of the letter, which would keep that from kinda dropping off the face of the earth and give us some more sympathy for him as he tries to fake a normal, cheery attitude to hide his fear. I guess. I dunno, just a suggestion.
Anyway, I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. This story isn't bad, I just think it needs a little polish, especially in the characterization and pacing departments. Once that's cleared up, I think it'll be a lot stronger and more enjoyable to read. Good luck, and I'll get to the second chapter ASAP. ^_^
Okay, I've changed my mind. I edited it. Please tell me what you think now.
Okay thanks.
I did do the * thing after those first few paragraphs, though.
As for Kamren though, I know a nine year old who is in love with Chris Brown, so I don't think it's that much of a shocker for her to like a fifteen year old.
And since a lot of people don't seem happy about how I spell my characters' names, would someone care to tell me which names I need to fix, and how?
You might not want to post so much next time!
My main complaint is that your characters are really boring. You've got my attention with the weird girl and everything, but why on earth are all the teenagers and the younger sister Disney stereotypes of high school students? They're all...really uninteresting. And why do so many of them have weird names? Are you naming the sister Kamren instead of Cameron just for the heck of it?
Now, I did warn you in my Will Review for Food thread that I dislike critiquing prose unless it's really good, and this isn't quite at that level. The quick and dirty is that this wasn't fun to read because it just drags on and on. Blah blah blah. Why should I care? The parts where the kids are getting out of school could be cut down to practically nothing. The dialogue is a poor attempt at teenager-speak, and it doesn't sound realistic at all. This is a story supposedly about believable people, not people in a Disney Channel show. How do real people act, for crying out loud? The situations described are cliches--the crowd after the end-of-the-year bell, the popular boys surrounded by cheerleaders. The number of characters is also confusing...Brad, Christian, Shawn, Kent, blah blah, I can't keep them straight, particularly because they're all uninteresting people.
And to go into detail for one moment:
Dear god, I'm going to die of laughter. The word curvaceous should never be used except in comedy.
-Colleen
Well, I'm being a loser and only doing an overall, 'kay? XD Besides, others got the nit-picks, and I've critiqued waaay too much today for my own good. XD
Thoughts
All the thoughts should be italicized.
Breaks
When you have a large break in time or switch places without showing us the trip, then you need a break. Like *s or –s. You should use an odd number of them, typically three or five.
Names
What was the point of all those weird name spellings? It doesn't make them unique. It's just like those fantasy writers that have a thousand 's in the character's name, but worse since it's not fantasy. Sure, one or two can be different, but not all of them.
Age
How old is the sister? She acts… nine? But then she wants to go to the party because of Arik?
Real
Make these characters real! They all feel stereotyped – how boring is that? Make them have problems. Make them flawed. Someone (I forget who… sorry) said "Even Prince Charming sometimes spits while he speaks."
POV
We need to stick by someone. Right now, we're kind of hovering in the background, watching everything.
It seems like you're trying to make Brad by the first person (within third.) So build on that! Let us see the world from his eyes. Show us what someone does and Brad's reaction – Becca smiles and Brad's heart melts – rather than telling us why the other did the action.
Also, call the parents Mom and Dad. What kid calls them by their first name? Instead of 'Brian,' say 'Brad's dad,' as Brad is the first person within third.
Make sense? I doubt it. PM me to pick my brain or for the more detailed article I wrote on this.
And let me know if you'd like to request any more critiques! XD
~JFW1415
Okay, thanks everyone. I can't rewrite now because I'm working on revising chapter two, but I'll fix the nitpicks.
WOW. That beginning drew me right in - well done. I love what she says over his body. So powerful and so emotional. I can imagine everything, hear everything. It's a great way to begin an even better story.
Vocab/language: Spell check screamed at me for all your or's but being USA i didn't bother correcting any - no point so that'll be better for you. You use such emotive language, it's really powerful and hooks me in, keeps me interested. Not once you go overly over-the top to 'show off' if you like. I know so many people who write with their stories chock-a-block full of all these huge complicated words that there's no point to. I love the way you let everything unfold so easily. The language the teens use is very true - you've nailed it with the way they act and what they say.
Content: So realistic and easy to follow. What happens unfolds chronologically and you don't stuff anything up. That's good.
Be consistent with the names. Upon introducing 'Shawn' you continued to use Shawn AND Sean. I decided to use Sean, so if you wanted Shawn you have to ignore that. But chose one way and use it the whole way through or you confuse the readers/reviewers.
Characterisation You've done a great job on this but you haven't specified how old Kamren is. I know she's watching disney but all her actions - how old? you should give some estimate so readers can properly relate/visualise her.
Okay - the ending completely confuses me. Maybe it's just me.. i haven't read the next... but this baffles me. The beginning suggests she's after somebody called 'Eddie' but this is Brad's car she's standing in front of. Not sure but i will read ahead and maybe this will answer my question, but the whole ending to this chapter... it's so confusing. Realistic though. I love the way you described it.
Hey Jamie! I am back again. Sorry it took me awhile to get around to this. I just was baby-sitting, as I said above ^^^
well, anyway, here is my reivew:
surrounding the edge of the clearing. She was clad in a black cat suit and frizzy curls of mousy brown hair were pulled back into a ponytail. Flashes of moonlight glinted off her wire-rimmed glasses.
Just remember to use their names earlier and everything will be cleared up.
lol
Arik chose his favorite overstuffed armchair, while Kent disappeared into a kitchen half the size of Brad's house.
and dialed Christian's number.
((all my corrections are in bold))
A cry of surprised pain was almost drowned out by the crack of a gunshot. Like a scene from a movie, a teenage boy clutched his bloodied chest and fell over backwards. As hit the ground, a girl about the same age detangled herself from the shadows really like this description, by the way, about detangling herself from the shadows
Thick grass muffled the sounds of her bare feet, and she padded silently over to the motionless form. In one swift movement, she bent down, checked one bloody wrist for a pulse, then straightened back up. I find this last sentence awkward. Try something like: In one swift movement, she bent down to check one of his bloody wrists for a pulse, before straighting again. Or something like that. She looked down sadly awkward, again. Try: Sadly, she looked down... at the lifeless body and murmured, "I'm sorry comma Eddie, but you shouldn't have ignored me like that. You were all I thought about, but you never looked twice at me. You gave me no choice."
She turned and walked away, the gun still in hand, until she disappeared into the trees, not looking back as blood sank into the earth around Eddie's body. A moment later, another shot rang through the cool night air.
In a stand of bushes nearby, something moved. A branch twitched, and the moonlight momentarily illuminated a face, staring out with wide, shocked eyes. Then a cloud rolled over the moon, and the clearing was bathed in darkness.
* * *
The blessed end-of-year bell echoed through the hallways at Clover High School. Almost at once a throng of teenagers surged into the halls. In the center of this, the dirty-blonde head of Brad Liftridge could be clearly seen, surrounded by people clamoring for his attention. Brad looked down, laughing, at the pretty cheerleader standing next to him. She latched herself onto one impressive arm and tossed a huge smile at the other cheerleaders behind her.
A high, reedy voice rose above the clamor, announcing a party at his house the next day at seven. Another voice, also high, called back, "Who all you invitin' Christian?"
Very, very confusing here. At first, I thought it was Brad speaking, but then Christian spoke...and I was just lost. You need to make more clear who yelled out in a high voice and who replied.
Christian didn't call back, but forced his way through the crowd until he reached the other speaker. Is the other speaker Brad?? If it is, use his name instead of "other speaker". Christian had tanned skin, and was remarkably taller, skinnier, and handsomer than the other boy. "Well, Shawn, I thought I'd invite Brad, Marc, Ash, Kent, X, Arik," he listed names for a few more moments, and Sean you need to keep the spelling of names consistant. It can be either Shawn or Sean. Either one works but you can't use both. started to look slightly disappointed. So Shawn is the one who announced the party?? And Christian is the replier?? Wow...you lost me again. If I'm correct in my assumptions, use Shawn and Cristian's names up above earlier than you do. That will definitely clear up some vague points. Christian grinned demonically, scratching at his casted left arm, and added, "Oh, and Becca, too, of course." Okay, guess I was wrong. I got it backwards. Christian is having the party and Shawn is the replier...gotcha!
Shawn grinned sheepishly, straightened to his full, unremarkable height, and ran a pudgy hand through his strawberry-blonde hair. The sprinkle of pimples across his nose and cheeks grew less apparent as his face reddened. When he realized Christian had seen his reaction, he became very interested in his shoes.
Still Speaking small "s" on "speaking" to the floor, Shawn clumsily changed the subject. "Uh, you're parents ain't thinkin' of crashing, are they?"
Still grinning, Christian answered, "Naw, they outta town for another month, at least." Leaving Shawn to blush, Christian turned and shoved through the crowd towards his locker. He removed the only remaining object, a skateboard, turned and led almost all of the group out through the school's double doors. The cheerleader that had been with Brad walked over to a group of girls, and, linking arms, they trailed the rest of the school outside, singing loudly. Only Brad was left at his locker.
Was Brad anywhere near Christian and Shawn when they were discussing the party?? If he was, make that clear.
He quickly dumped the assorted items left in his locker into his bag, and was shutting the door when something caught his eye. Wedged in the corner of his locker was a folded up paper, yellowed with age. Without really thinking about it, he worked in do you mean "it" instead of "in" here?? If not, this sentence needs reworking... out of the corner and stuffed it in his back pocket. Then he turned and pushed through the doors. Giving his eyes a moment to adjust to the glaring summer sun, Brad set off in the opposite direction of the rest of the school, who could still be heard clearly even though they were half a mile away.
He had walked almost a block before he thought of the paper again. Pulling it from his pocket and unfolding it, he quickly scanned over the words, and stopped dead in surprise. The foot he had lifted dropped back to the ground with a thud.
Good!!! I'm glad you mentioned the note eariler!
He might have stood there gawking all day were it not for the rather noisy arrival of his two friends. Hastily shoving the paper into his pocket, he spun around to face them.
The first, a tall, rather lanky teen, stepped forward in mock anger. "Thought you was leavin' without us, did ya?"
"I thought you'd skipped class and gone home early. Wouldn't be the first time. What d'you want me to do? Spend all afternoon in that hell-hole just to find out you went home early?"
Kent laughed. "Yeah, we got held late in Ms. Bitch-acre's class. Somethin' about us not doing out math homework last night. Then somebody over here tired to get us off the hook by asking her if she would really punish us for somethin' we didn't do, and somebody almost got us beat to death with her yardstick." He jerked his finger at his companion every time he said "somebody," just in case Brad couldn't figure out who he meant.
"Nice try, Arik," change the comma to a period Brad started to say something else, but the look on Kent's face distracted him. Kent had gone rigid, like a dog on bird-point. Only one thing could make a guy get like that. Arik, who was a full three feet shorter than his friends, had to tiptoe to see above a nearby bush. Brad followed Kent's gaze to see that two curvaceous cheerleaders from school had just turned the corner. They were still wearing the uniforms from the end-of-school performance the squad had done.
The boys slowed their pace, giving the cheerleaders no choice but to catch up. As soon as they did, Kent casually walked over and draped his arm around Keren, the only girl in school close to his height. "Hey Keren, so I had this idea, right-" double dashes here. Only one makes it look wierd
Becca cut him off, "You had an idea? I guess you better tell us before it dies of loneliness."
Before Kent could reply, Keren removed his arm, turned to Becca and said, "Come on. Let's get out of here before they come up with any other ideas."
They turned and crossed the street, hips rolling smoothly. Brad, Kent, and Arik followed them to their street, only admitting defeat when they saw Becca's dad on his front porch drinking a Bud. They turned instead for Christian's house, which was just down the block.
I like this scene a WHOLE lot better. Very nice changes!
As the guys were walking up Christian's driveway, he pulled up behind them on his skateboard. When his arm had broken, the doctor ordered him off the skateboard until the cast was removed. Christian had been on it the next day.
"Where were you?" Kent asked. "You should'a been here before us."
Christian grinned. "I had to walk Kathlina home."
"What happened to Michaela?"
"She skipped today, and she lives on the other side of town."
"What are you gonna do when she finds out?"
"Eh, I dunno. She's getting a little old anyways. And this total babe just moved in across the street."
Brad shook his head, but secretly admired Christian's ability to pull it off flawlessly.
Christian kicked the skateboard into his four-car garage and ushered his friends inside and into the living room. The house was lavishly furnished in Asian style furniture, rugs, and wall art, and the far corner of one wall was almost completely covered by a plasma screen TV. Brad and Christian sat on the couch, instead of a comma, I think it should be a semicolon after "couch"...but I could be wrong
"So, this party?" Arik prompted.
Christian answered, "We got an ass load of people comin'. X is the DJ, we got plenty of space for dancing. My dad has some six packs and whisky locked up, but I found the key last year. We just need food. My mom left five hundred dollars emergency money, think that'll be enough?"
The guys laughed. Arik, who was always broke, looked faintly jealous.
Christian went to get the money and keys while Brad, Kent, and Arik went outside. By the time Christian got outside, Kent and Arik were waiting in the Chevy Pick-Up's bed, while Brad was leaning on the hood. Christian and Brad climbed inside the truck, and they drove off to the local, and cheap, convenience store.
When they got back, Brad happened to look at the dashboard clock as he got out. Immediately he jumped out. "Oh shit! I was s'possed to be home ten minutes ago! Gotta run!"
Kent, who was climbing out of the bed, looked at Brad. "Oh calm down. You're always late and the 'rents never care. You could come home tomorrow and get away with it."
"Yeah, but I have been late everyday this week. Dad said if I'm late again comma I'm grounded."
Arik started grumbling that that was what he said every time, but Brad had already taken off in the direction of his house, book bag flopping wildly on his back. He turned onto his street half an hour late, breathing a sigh of relief when his parents old Corvair wasn't in the driveway. Bursting through the door, Brad kicked off his shoes in the mudroom, threw his bag on the couch and proceeded into the computer room.
His eight-year-old sister Kamren was sitting on the ottoman, and she looked up from the monitor as Brad walked in. "Ooh, you're late! I'm telling mom and dad!" As she finished speaking, Brad heard the sound of an engine being cut off and a car door slamming. Before he could move, Kamren had leaped off the stool and ran past him. She skipped down the hallway, gleefully chanting, "Brad came home late!"
Brad laughed and shook his head before following his sister into the mudroom. Brian Liftridge stooped to hang his coat on the back of an antique style coat rack, ran a hand back through his thinning brown hair, and looked up as his son walked in. "Call it a hunch, but I get the feeling you came home late?"
"I was at the store with the guys. The line was huge."
"Why?"
"I guess because it's payday. There's always a lot of people on pay-"
Brian cut him off, "I meant, why were you at the store, wise ass?" His words were stern but his eyes were laughing.
"Oh. We needed food cuz Christian's throwing a party tomorrow."
"And I'm sure you asked your mother if you could go already, because I certainly haven't been informed."
"Uh, I was gonna ask as soon as you got home?"
As they were speaking, Patricia Liftridge had been standing by the screen door, listening silently, but now she spoke up. "Aww, let him go, Hun. I seem to remember you were quite the party-goer back in high school."
Brian looked back at his wife and laughed, then turned back to Brad. "Fine, you can go."
"Thanks Mom! You're the best!" Brad turned and ran off to the stairs. Pausing half way up he turned around and added, "Well, sort of."
Slamming the door to his room, Brad picked up the fun fun?? lol I think you mean "phone"...
"Yeah? What is it comma Brad?"
"I just asked. I can go."
"Great, I guess."
"What d'ya mean?"
"We all knew you'd be allowed to go. Your mom never says no."
"True. Have Kent or Arik called yet?"
"They're both still here. But they called home; they can go. Everyone's coming at seven tomorrow."
"Okay, cool. Wait!"
"What?"
"No one invited Ritchie or Zach, right?"
"Those losers from math class? Hell no!"
"Good. Later."
"Later."
The line clicked off and Brad hung up. Pulling off his shirt, grabbing the remote and flopping down on his bed, he switched on the TV. Disney Channel was playing, which meant Kamren had been in his room again. Groaning, he switched to HBO instead, where a horror movie was playing.
Brad was just dozing off when Kamren came skipping into the hallway, loudly singing that dinner was ready. Brad switched off the TV and poked his head out his door just in time to see Kamren at the end of the hallway. She turned to face him, grimaced and mimed throwing up, before turning and disappearing down the stairs. Her dark brown hair, braided with a red ribbon, flew out behind her. Brad got a bad feeling.
When he hit the staircase, Brad had to fight not to retch; the smell of his mother's homemade wheat wheat loaf?? Never heard of that before...lol...I think you mean "meat loaf" hehe loaf was wafting through the halls.
Brad took his place at the table, muttering, "Yum," as his mother plopped a huge chunk of wheat loaf on his plate. She glanced at him sharply before setting down the pot and taking her own seat. Cutting off a tiny chunk, he popped it in his mouth and gulped it down with a swig of Dr. Pepper. Brian shot his son a sympathetic look.
Kamren started talking about the party they had had at school. Brad noticed that between sentences she was eating the corn. The wheat loaf was untouched.
Brad managed to get down half the wheat loaf before he gave up. Spooning down some corn and chugging his Dr. Pepper, he quickly goy "got" instead of "goy" up and dumped the wheat loaf in the garbage disposal before Patricia could tell him to save it. Looking back at the table, he saw Kamren had only managed three bites, and was attempting to drown it in Ketchup. Laughing silently at her from behind his mom's back, Brad turned and ran back upstairs to shower.
He stripped off his pants, turned the temperature knob all the way to the blue "C," a trait no one but him understood. Just as he was about to get out, he thought he saw a shadow through the curtain, as though someone was standing in the bathroom. He lifted up a corner of the curtain and peered out, but the room was empty. The curtain fell back into place, and at once the shadow returned. Bigger this time, like it's owner was closer to the shower. Again he peeked out into an empty bathroom.
Slightly frustrated, he passed it off as one of Kamren's dumb tricks and stepped out of the shower.
The rest of the night passed normally, and Brad fell asleep shortly after one in the morning.
It was just before noon when Brad woke up. Getting up, he walked to his closet, pulling off his PJs as he went. Ten minutes later he came into the kitchen, dressed in faded old blue jeans. The kitchen was empty; he found a sticky on the refrigerator and skimmed over what his mother had written:
Brad, we went to Wal-Mart. We'll be back by three. Feed your sister.
Typical, Brad thought. Sighing, he walked back upstairs and beat "beated" instead of "beat" on Kamren's door. When there was no reply, he entered anyway, and went straight to the blinds. He opened them, letting in the glaring sunlight. Kamren's head popped up from a tangle of bed sheets. "Wuzzgo'non?" She small "s" on "she" mumbled. "Brad? Go'way. Trynt'sleep."
"Whatever. Get- oh shit! Kamren, get out of the bed! There's a spider! A spider!" he said "shit" in front of his little sister?? I don't know if that would fly with a sister like that. I mean, mine is twelve and if I say crap, I get told-on by her to my parents...so I'm not sure that is very realisitic. Maybe say crap instead
Kamren screamed and jumped a foot into the air, crashed down to the floor, leaped back and looked around wildly. "Where? Where is it!" She looked around a moment more before thoughts caught up to her, and she slowly turned to Brad, who was doubled over laughing. "You dirty little butthead! I can't believe you!"
Tears streaming from his eyes, Brad looked at her and said, "Hey, that's payback for the dumb shadow trick last night in the bathroom."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb comma Kamren, I know it was you."
"I don't have a clue what you're talking about."
"Whatever. Get up and get dressed. You're going to Brittney's house."
"Why?"
"Cuz I have to go Christian's house and you can't stay here alone."
"Why are you going to Christian's house?"
"We're planning a party." He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth."
"A party? Will Arik be there? Can I go?"
"Yes. Yes. No, you're going to Brittney's."
“But I’m hungry.”
“We’ll stop at McDonald’s on the way.”
Muttering under her breath, she climbed reluctantly out of bed.
Brad left her to change and shower. Walking downstairs, he turned into the family room, grabbed the remote, and plopped down on the couch. He quickly stood up again as he heard a sharp crack. Looking down, he saw a pair of wire-rimmed glasses half-hidden in the seat cushion, broken now that he had sat on them. That's weird. I don't know no one that wears glasses. He guessed they belonged to one of his father's friends and went to the kitchen to throw them away.
As he turned to walk back to the family room, Kamren came downstairs fully dressed. She looked at him and complained, "Aren't you even going to put a shirt on before we leave?"
"No." Without giving her any more chances to argue, Brad turned and led the way out of the house. His parents had taken the Corvair, so he grabbed the keys to the Volvo as he walked out the door.
Kamren was still sulking, and didn't speak the whole ride, except to give her order at McDonald's. When they arrived at Brittney's house she got out without saying goodbye and slammed the door. Brad shrugged it off and pulled away from the house, onto the highway.
Brad glanced at the dashboard clock. It was one twenty three. He quickly did the calculations: a half-hour drive if the traffic was light, put him at Christian’s house by one fifty three, two thirty at the latest, no more than an hour to set up. I got plenty of time; maybe I'll swing by Becca's house on the way there.
As he looked back to the road he took a passing glance at the car settings, and almost jammed on the brakes. The passenger side airbag was on; it was activated by weight. Even Kamren couldn’t get it to turn on. He blinked, and still the little airbag light was on.
He looked at the passenger seat. It was empty, but peering closer, he noticed an impression on it. His first, rather childish thought was that it looked like an invisible person was sitting there. But sure enough, no matter how hard he looked or how many times he blinked, the imprint didn't go away.
The sound of a blaring horn jerked Brad's attention back to the road, and he realized to his horror that he had just driven into oncoming traffic; an eighteen wheeler was barreling at him. Now he did jam on the brakes, cranking the wheel a hard right. Cars honked and screeched their brakes to avoid hitting him as he desperately tried to regain control.
The Volvo bumped off the road, teetering on two wheels, and finally came to a bone-jarring halt against a twisted tree root. His head bounced painfully on the steering wheel and his left shoulder was jammed into the window. One of his legs cracked loudly, sending blind pain through his whole body. The windshield shattered, spraying his face and bare chest with shards of glass.
Steam seeped from beneath the mangled hood and sparks flew from the engine. The white lights popping in front of Brad's slowly faded to blackness.
He stirred for a few moments before the ambulance arrived. Pain throbbed through his entire body and the car interior was flicked with blood. Through the shattered windshield he saw a figure looking down at the wreckage, and as his vision cleared she came into focus.
It was a girl about his age. She had wire-rimmed glasses and was, for a reason unknown to Brad, barefoot and wearing a black cat suit. He opened his mouth to call out for help, but something stopped him. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe it was the look of sheer joy on her face as she looked down at the mangled car.
Brad got the feeling she hadn't realized he was conscious. Seconds before she looked down at him, another wave of black rose behind his eyes, and he sank gratefully into it.
Much, MUCH better! I loved this one even more. Great job
But I must say that the "note" was forgotten yet again. I mean, he was like, horrified, right? after reading it so I would think that he would remember at some point in the future. And, the thing with the passenger airbag was good but I think you should add a part where Brad actually tries to touch the invisible person. I mean, my first instinct would be to look harder and then try to touch it, so maybe have that happen before he hears the car horns. But of course, that is only my suggestion.
Other than that, keep up the good work!
here as requested, anyway i will go paragraph by paragraph and crit it then i will go over characters and the overall peice, and don't worry i will be as harsh as i can while being nice which, like i said, is a talent.
First of all why would the cry of pain be a surprise, i mean the man was shot! in the third sentence you should say "as HE hit the ground". Also in the fourth sentence you say "clad" which i think should be a different word. I like the way your MC is in a super hero type outfit, i could be wrong because I'm criting as i read so i won't be biased.
What a surprise! i didn't think she had done it, i thought it was some guy and she was going to rescue him. this character is turning out to be vicious already and that's ok! this was a flawless paragraph
first of all why would the blood sink into the ground, it could only happen if he was on grass which he probably is but to clarify that say in the beginning that they were both in the forest or something like that or when he falls down say he fell with a muffled thud against the grass, i'm curious why another shot rang out so i'm reading more right now
in a stand of bushes? maybe you could say in a thick row of bushes. instead of a branch twitched you should say a branch snapped because its more noticeable. you should say a thick dark clould crept across the moon making the light disapear, with darkness replacing it.
* * *
in the second sentence maybe you could say " not long after the sound of the bell, teenagers swarmed the hallways in desperate need to get out of there, but one group stayed in center.
other than that good paragraph!
in this maybe you should reconsider using the word "reedy" as it sounds odd
in the first sentence it would sound better if you said " christian didn't call back, INSTEAD HE forced....
in the second sentence you should say more handsome instead of handsomer. you make it sound like christian is inviting sean by the look on his face but he dosn't so try to clear that up
nothing was wrong in this paragraph, good job! i like the way that shawn likes becca and is shy to show it.
aren't, but its ok if you say aint i suppose
uh, well not much to say except i think that this whole paragraph should be touched up, there are no grammar errors but this paragraph just dosn't flow
in the first sentence you don't need the "quickly". is the note from cat woman?? if nost of the schools students were a half of a mile away they're voices would be muffled and why would they all be going in the same direction?
in the second sentence you should say "and shocked with surprise" or something like that
do not and i repeat do not say "all day" because it makes it sound really dramatic just say he stood there gawking at the note until his friends came up behind him forcing him to shove the note in his pocket.
good
this sentence sounds odd i think you should re-write it
you mean "our" math homework and why would they have homework on the second to last day of school?
"and" had to tiptoe, that was the only thing
The boys slowed their pace, giving the cheerleaders no choice but to catch up. As soon as they did, Kent casually walked over and draped his arm around Keren, the only girl in school close to his height. "Hey Keren, so I had this idea, right-"
funny
Before Kent could reply, Keren removed his arm, turned to Becca and said, "Come on. Let's get out of here before they come up with any other ideas."
They turned and crossed the street, hips rolling smoothly. Brad, Kent, and Arik followed them to their street, only admitting defeat when they saw Becca's dad on his front porch drinking a Bud. They turned instead for Christian's house, which was just down the block.
you should have mentioned that his arm was broken before now because its all so sudden, so introduce that in the beginning
"Where were you?" Kent asked. "You should'a been here before us."
Christian grinned. "I had to walk Kathlina home."
"What happened to Michaela?"
"She skipped today, and she lives on the other side of town."
"What are you gonna do when she finds out?"
"Eh, I dunno. She's getting a little old anyways. And this total babe just moved in across the street."
Brad shook his head, but secretly admired Christian's ability to pull it off flawlessly.
Christian kicked the skateboard into his four-car garage and ushered his friends inside and into the living room. The house was lavishly furnished in Asian style furniture, rugs, and wall art, and the far corner of one wall was almost completely covered by a plasma screen TV. Brad and Christian sat on the couch, Arik chose his favorite overstuffed armchair, while Kent disappeared into a kitchen half the size of Brad's house.
"So, this party?" Arik prompted.
Christian answered, "We got an ass load of people comin'. X is the DJ, we got plenty of space for dancing. My dad has some six packs and whisky locked up, but I found the key last year. We just need food. My mom left five hundred dollars emergency money, think that'll be enough?"
The guys laughed. Arik, who was always broke, looked faintly jealous.
Christian went to get the money and keys while Brad, Kent, and Arik went outside. By the time Christian got outside, Kent and Arik were waiting in the Chevy Pick-Up's bed, while Brad was leaning on the hood. Christian and Brad climbed inside the truck, and they drove off to the local, and cheap, convenience store.
When they got back, Brad happened to look at the dashboard clock as he got out. Immediately he jumped out. "Oh shit! I was s'possed to be home ten minutes ago! Gotta run!"
Kent, who was climbing out of the bed, looked at Brad. "Oh calm down. You're always late and the 'rents never care. You could come home tomorrow and get away with it."
I've instead of I
Arik started grumbling that that was what he said every time, but Brad had already taken off in the direction of his house, book bag flopping wildly on his back. He turned onto his street half an hour late, breathing a sigh of relief when his parents old Corvair wasn't in the driveway. Bursting through the door, Brad kicked off his shoes in the mudroom, threw his bag on the couch and proceeded into the computer room.
His eight-year-old sister Kamren was sitting on the ottoman, and she looked up from the monitor as Brad walked in. "Ooh, you're late! I'm telling mom and dad!" As she finished speaking, Brad heard the sound of an engine being cut off and a car door slamming. Before he could move, Kamren had leaped off the stool and ran past him. She skipped down the hallway, gleefully chanting, "Brad came home late!"
maybe you should say " brian liftridge, his father....." it would make it sound better
"I was at the store with the guys. The line was huge."
"Why?"
"I guess because it's payday. There's always a lot of people on pay-"
Brian cut him off, "I meant, why were you at the store, wise ass?" His words were stern but his eyes were laughing.
"Oh. We needed food cuz Christian's throwing a party tomorrow."
"And I'm sure you asked your mother if you could go already, because I certainly haven't been informed."
"Uh, I was gonna ask as soon as you got home?"
As they were speaking, Patricia Liftridge had been standing by the screen door, listening silently, but now she spoke up. "Aww, let him go, Hun. I seem to remember you were quite the party-goer back in high school."
Brian looked back at his wife and laughed, then turned back to Brad. "Fine, you can go."
"Thanks Mom! You're the best!" Brad turned and ran off to the stairs. Pausing half way up he turned around and added, "Well, sort of."
why would he slam the door??
"Yeah? What is it Brad?"
"I just asked. I can go."
"Great, I guess."
"What d'ya mean?"
"We all knew you'd be allowed to go. Your mom never says no."
"True. Have Kent or Arik called yet?"
"They're both still here. But they called home; they can go. Everyone's coming at seven tomorrow."
"Okay, cool. Wait!"
"What?"
"No one invited Ritchie or Zach, right?"
"Those losers from math class? Hell no!"
"Good. Later." ------ need a comma after good, get rid of the .
"Later."
The line clicked off and Brad hung up. Pulling off his shirt, grabbing the remote and flopping down on his bed, he switched on the TV. Disney Channel was playing, which meant Kamren had been in his room again. Groaning, he switched to HBO instead, where a horror movie was playing.
Brad was just dozing off when Kamren came skipping into the hallway, loudly singing that dinner was ready. Brad switched off the TV and poked his head out his door just in time to see Kamren at the end of the hallway. She turned to face him, grimaced and mimed throwing up, before turning and disappearing down the stairs. Her dark brown hair, braided with a red ribbon, flew out behind her. Brad got a bad feeling.
When he hit the staircase, Brad had to fight not to retch; the smell of his mother's homemade wheat loaf was wafting through the halls.
Brad took his place at the table, muttering, "Yum," as his mother plopped a huge chunk of wheat loaf on his plate. She glanced at him sharply before setting down the pot and taking her own seat. Cutting off a tiny chunk, he popped it in his mouth and gulped it down with a swig of Dr. Pepper. Brian shot his son a sympathetic look.
Kamren started talking about the party they had had at school. Brad noticed that between sentences she was eating the corn. The wheat loaf was untouched.
in the third sentence you said "goy" but it should be "got" and wheat loaf? it sounds like a piece of bread, make it so it sounds like a cassorole
when brad is stripping down to nakedness descibe it because all you said is that he took off his shirt. i also like that the cat woman is in the room with him, at least that's what i think
Slightly frustrated, he passed it off as one of Kamren's dumb tricks and stepped out of the shower.
The rest of the night passed normally, and Brad fell asleep shortly after one in the morning.
It was just before noon when Brad woke up. Getting up, he walked to his closet, pulling off his PJs as he went. Ten minutes later he came into the kitchen, dressed in faded old blue jeans. The kitchen was empty; he found a sticky on the refrigerator and skimmed over what his mother had written:
Brad, we went to Wal-Mart. We'll be back by three. Feed your sister.
put typical in italics, it's a thought after all and i know that the messed up words are meant to be that way but try to clear them up a little to make them sound better
why would he cuss around his little sister, after all she likes to tell on him a lot
Kamren screamed and jumped a foot into the air, crashed down to the floor, leaped back and looked around wildly. "Where? Where is it!" She looked around a moment more before thoughts caught up to her, and she slowly turned to Brad, who was doubled over laughing. "You dirty little butthead! I can't believe you!"
Tears streaming from his eyes, Brad looked at her and said, "Hey, that's payback for the dumb shadow trick last night in the bathroom."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb Kamren, I know it was you."
"I don't have a clue what you're talking about."
"Whatever. Get up and get dressed. You're going to Brittney's house."
"Why?"
"Cuz I have to go Christian's house and you can't stay here alone."
"Why are you going to Christian's house?"
"We're planning a party." He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth."
"A party? Will Arik be there? Can I go?"
"Yes. Yes. No, you're going to Brittney's."
“But I’m hungry.”
“We’ll stop at McDonald’s on the way.”
Muttering under her breath, she climbed reluctantly out of bed.
Brad left her to change and shower. Walking downstairs, he turned into the family room, grabbed the remote, and plopped down on the couch. He quickly stood up again as he heard a sharp crack. Looking down, he saw a pair of wire-rimmed glasses half-hidden in the seat cushion, broken now that he had sat on them. That's weird. I don't know [s]no one[/s]---- "anyone" that wears glasses. He guessed they belonged to one of his father's friends and went to the kitchen to throw them away.
As he turned to walk back to the family room, Kamren came downstairs fully dressed. She looked at him and complained, "Aren't you even going to put a shirt on before we leave?"
"No." Without giving her any more chances to argue, Brad turned and led the way out of the house. His parents had taken the Corvair, so he grabbed the keys to the Volvo as he walked out the door.
Kamren was still sulking, and didn't speak the whole ride, except to give her order at McDonald's. When they arrived at Brittney's house she got out without saying goodbye and slammed the door. Brad shrugged it off and pulled away from the house, onto the highway.
if it was 2:30 by the time he got there and he said they had an hour to set up then that would be 3:30 but you said the party starts at 7:00?
As he looked back to the road he took a passing glance at the car settings, and almost jammed on the brakes. The passenger side airbag was on; it was activated by weight. Even Kamren couldn’t get it to turn on. He blinked, and still the little airbag light was on.
He looked at the passenger seat. It was empty, but peering closer, he noticed an impression on it. His first, rather childish thought was that it looked like an invisible person was sitting there. But sure enough, no matter how hard he looked or how many times he blinked, the imprint didn't go away.
The sound of a blaring horn jerked Brad's attention back to the road, and he realized to his horror that he had just driven into oncoming traffic; an eighteen wheeler was barreling at him. Now he did jam on the brakes, cranking the wheel a hard right. Cars honked and screeched their brakes to avoid hitting him as he desperately tried to regain control.
The Volvo bumped off the road, teetering on two wheels, and finally came to a bone-jarring halt against a twisted tree root. His head bounced painfully on the steering wheel and his left shoulder was jammed into the window. One of his legs cracked loudly, sending blind pain through his whole body. The windshield shattered, spraying his face and bare chest with shards of glass.
Steam seeped from beneath the mangled hood and sparks flew from the engine. The white lights popping in front of Brad's slowly faded to blackness.
He stirred for a few moments before the ambulance arrived. Pain throbbed through his entire body and the car interior was flicked with blood. Through the shattered windshield he saw a figure looking down at the wreckage, and as his vision cleared she came into focus.
It was a girl about his age. She had wire-rimmed glasses and was, for a reason unknown to Brad, barefoot and wearing a black cat suit. He opened his mouth to call out for help, but something stopped him. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe it was the look of sheer joy on her face as she looked down at the mangled car.
Brad got the feeling she hadn't realized he was conscious. Seconds before she looked down at him, another wave of black rose behind his eyes, and he sank gratefully into it.
well jamie, this was an interesting read and now i will focus on your MAIN characters
BRAD-- INTERESTING AND POPULAR BUT HE SEEMS TO HAVE NO FLAWS WHICH ISN'T GOOD S TRY TO GIVE HIM A COUPLE, BUT HE IS A STRONG CHARATER OTHER THAN THAT
PARENTS------ I THINK THAT YOU NEED TO GIVE THEM MORE PERSONALITY I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW THEM, BUT I'M ASSUMING THAT I WILL LEARN MORE IN CHAPTERS TO COME BUT I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD INTRODUCE THEM BETTER IN THIS ONE
KAMREN-- I THINK THAT FOR A LITTLE GIRL SHE KNOWS MORE THAN SHE SHOULD AND I REALLY DIDN'T GET TO KNOW HER IN THIS CHAPTER SO MAYBE YOU COULD ADD MORE TO HER?
now your DIALOUGE------
it was ok and it seemed unforced but in some places it got that way so i think if you just go back and re-read it and when you feel it gets that way then change it up a little.
This was an interesting read and when you get done with the next chapter pm me. Also if you liked my crit then tell me so i like the confidence boost
hope i helped
---Jon---
Here I am, as requested
A few things:
This would be better as something like: "The teenage boy clutched his bloody chest and toppled back; it was like a scene from a movie." Especially the 'fell over backwards' was excessive. Try to cut down on words where, like I said before, one may suffice. It might be effective to have some more description here. Tell us about the blood creeping from his stomach, trails of it spreading from him.
This is a run-on sentence and the way it was phrased implies she was surrounding the edge of the clearing, though I am guessing you meant the shadows. By removing this you are also adding a greater sense of mystery.
So it muffles her feet before she pads to the form? I reckon 'body' would work better by the way. So consider: "Thick grass muffled the sounds of her feet, as she padded silently over the motionless body."
In one quick motion? You would be splitting up the action with a 'then'.
For the next point, use either:
or
Otherwise you would be repeating yourself. I recommend the latter so that the character shows us how she was ignored, not just telling. It builds up the pacing and makes it more believable as if this is what you would expect her to say in such a situation.
Perhaps just: 'gun still in hand', 'gun in hand' or 'the gun still in her hand'.
I loved this bit, just thought I'd point it out. But, you might want to replace the first full-stop with a semicolon.
I think just: "the others behind her".
Try not to repeat yourself, since the last person called. How about just 'answer'? I realised soon after that he did respond, so: "Christian didn't answer right away,"
This implies that everyone else were out their lockers too when they left. So, specifiy a bit more: "Brad was left rummaging through his locker."
You have already said 'corner' so this would work better if you just say he grabbed it, methinks.
How about just: "clearly half a mile away." Sort of tells us the 'even' part without going into it, if you see what I mean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alright, I'll stop with the nitpicks since they're getting too tedious. I think they've already been done to death anyway. Alright, in terms of character development this is working fine, but there's not a lot to distinguish Brad in particular from your standard teenager. Not a problem, I can assure you, in fact it might work better if he was. What I am concerned about is that we just can't understand what he's thinking and how that affects him. Let us get into his head and see the changes as they happen. Not only that but at the start too, all I am guessing is that a girl killed a boy because he ignored her. Whether this is actually the case, or if you want us to think that it is the case, doesn't really matter because essentially you need to provide us something that will intrigue us--in a good way. I might even work better if we have him being chased, thoughts running through his mind.
Adjectives. I noticed you use a lot of adjectives. Especially at the start. There are just too many adjectives here and I believe they are hiding the story. Are there any other ways to phrase this? Yes, yes there are. In fact, now would be a great time to strengthen your prose with imagery or other desirable tones. It can also add to the atmosphere and how you want it to be portrayed to the reader--remember, descriptive language does not mean descriptive words. For example the opening line which I have already covered with you.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
Good start!
Hey, Jamie_Rocks!!
lol
I read the first few paragraphs and already you have my attention more than the first chapter before you fixed it! So that's a plus in itself.
But I don't really have time for a full review yet...I'm baby-sitting so I can't really read and watch two little kids at the same time. So I promise to come back to this.
Save this spot for me
Good job so far!
Okay, thanks. This helps a lot.
Thanks for telling me about the confusion, I'll have to fix those up.
Definitely serious! It sounds like something my mom would write.
Makes sense. I wasn't really questioning it, I just had never seen that anywhere.
Yes, but he was saying that if he got there at two thirty there would be less than an hour to set up. Or did I read that wrong?
I see. I still don't know about it. I suppose it could fit, depending on the character. I think I'd have to learn more about Brad, but I've never met a guy who did that.
Fair enough. I just think that saying he's three feet shorter than his friends is a bit much. I mean, say they're sixteen or seventeen. And they're guys. They're probably, what, 5'7"? That makes him less that three feet tall.
I see. It just reads like he's leading them away and then, when Brad steps outside, it sounds as if they are, in a group, half a mile away.
Okay thanks everyone, especially the line-by-line.
Avens: I just had a few comments on some of the points you made.
1. When you were commenting on the note, I couldn't tell if you were sincere or sarcastic.
2. My parents had a Volvo a few years back. The airbag would only be activated if the person sitting there weighed enough, to prevent injury to kids that sat up front.
3. As for the party being early, Christian told him on the phone to come over early.
4. For the shirtless thing, Brad's not rich, Christian is the only one.
5. The comments on Kent and Arik: Kent is very lanky, and as you find out later in the story Arik is only fifteen; he skipped a grade. He's also very short, so there's a pretty big difference in height.
6. Actually, they're all jocks: Brad, Kent, Arik, and Christian are all on the football team. You wouldn't know that yet though. And Christian only led them out because he was the first to leave, the school didn't intentionally follow him.
I just thought I'd clear those up for any future reviewers, but if anyone else gets confused I guess I'll have to change them.
Sorry about the typos, I'm horrible with those. And I went through ABC check and everything.
Comments in red.
A cry of surprised pain was almost drowned out by the crack of a gunshot. This isn't as dramatic as I imagine you were hoping. There is no set up, so readers are landed into a situation and are disoriented. You get confusion instead of fear. Like a scene from a movie, a teenage boy clutched his bloodied chest and fell over backwards. As hit he the ground, a girl of about the same age detangled "untangled" herself from the shadows surrounding the edge of the clearing. Was she... er... actually physically fighting back the shadows? Because this is how it sounds. She was clad in a black cat suit and frizzy curls of mousy brown hair were pulled back into a ponytail. Flashes of moonlight glinted off her wire-rimmed glasses.
Thick grass muffled the sounds of her bare feet, and she padded silently over to the motionless form I'm not a big fan of calling people "forms". I'd personally say "over to the body".. In one swift movement, she bent down, checked one bloody wrist for a pulse, then straightened back up.Since you say "one" twice here, I think I'd just say "checked for a pulse". Plus, that makes it more succinct which highlights the single motion. She looked down sadly at the lifeless body and murmured, "I'm sorry Eddie, but you shouldn't have ignored me like that. You were all I thought about, but you never looked twice at me. You gave me no choice." Oh what a sadistic creeper. I like it.
She turned and walked away, the gun still in hand, until she disappeared into the trees, not looking back as blood sank into the earth around Eddie's body. A moment later, another shot rang through the cool night air. Too make this hit home, I'd say "as Eddie's blood sank into the earth around his cooling body" or something to that effect. Make sure that readers get the full effect of his death.
In a stand of bushes nearby, something moved. A branch twitched, and the moonlight momentarily illuminated a face, staring out with wide, shocked eyes. Then a cloud rolled over the moon, and the clearing was bathed in darkness. Usually you don't say that darkness bathes things. Instead, it cloaks or hides things.
* * *
The blessed end-of-year bell echoed through the hallways at Clover High School. Almost at once a throng of teenagers surged into the halls. In the center of this Of what? Say "of the crowd" or "throng" or "clamor" or something., the dirty-blonde head of Brad Liftridge could be clearly seen, surrounded by people clamoring for his attention. Brad looked down, laughing, at the pretty cheerleader standing next to him. She latched herself onto one impressive arm and tossed a huge smile at the other cheerleaders behind her. I'm already getting a flat stereotypical vibe from the cheerleader. Add something to her actions--give her a happy smile, or a triumphant one.
A high, reedy voice rose above the clamor, announcing a party at his house the next day at seven. Another voice, also high, called back, "Who all you invitin' Christian?" Did the cheerleader announce it? Or did he? Be specific.
Christian didn't call back, but forced his way through the crowd until he reached the other speaker. Christian had tanned skin, and was remarkably taller, skinnier, and handsomer than the other boy. "Well, Shawn, I thought I'd invite Brad, Marc, Ash, Kent, X, Arik "Erik" or "Eric".," he listed names for a few more moments, and Sean started to look slightly disappointed. Christian grinned demonically, scratching at his casted left arm As in, his left arm is in a cast? I don't understand this reference., and added, "Oh, and Becca, too, of course."
Shawn grinned sheepishly, straightened to his full, unremarkable height, and ran a pudgy hand through his strawberry-blonde It's "blond" when it's a boy. hair. The sprinkle of pimples across his nose and cheeks grew less apparent as his face reddened. When he realized Christian had seen his reaction, he became very interested in his shoes. I dunno. Usually kids who aren't cool enough to go to parties just assume they aren't invited. They certainly wouldn't ask out loud in the middle of a crowded hallway.
Still Speaking Capitalization error. to the floor, Shawn clumsily changed the subject. "Uh, you're parents ain't thinkin' of crashing, are they?"
Still grinning, Christian answered, "Naw, they outta town for another month, at least." Leaving Shawn to blush, Christian turned and shoved through the crowd towards his locker. He removed the only remaining object, a skateboard, turned and led almost all of the group out through the school's double doors. The cheerleader that had been with Brad walked over to a group of girls, and, linking arms, they trailed the rest of the school outside, singing loudly. Just a little cheesy. I'll give you the "this is the jock who leads the school" thing, but the girls walking out singing? Very Disney movie. Just have them giggle or something. Only Brad was left at his locker.
He quickly dumped the assorted items left in his locker into his bag, and was shutting the door when something caught his eye. Wedged into the corner of his locker was a folded up paper, yellowed with age. Without really thinking about it, he worked in it out of the corner and stuffed it into his back pocket. Then he turned and pushed through the doors. Giving his eyes a moment to adjust to the glaring summer sun, Brad set off in the opposite direction of the rest of the school, who could still be heard clearly even though they were half a mile away. Wow those kids move fast.
He had walked almost a block before he thought of the paper again. Pulling it from his pocket and unfolding it, he quickly scanned over the words, and stopped dead in surprise. The foot he had lifted dropped back to the ground with a thud. Strike "in surprise". It's obviously surprise if he stops dead.
He might have stood there gawking all day were it not for the rather noisy arrival of his two friends. Hastily shoving the paper into his pocket, he spun around to face them.
The first, a tall, rather lanky teen, stepped forward in mock anger. "Thought you was leavin' without us, did ya?" These are the token geeky-slightly-pudgy-except-for-the-skinny-friend-with-glasses-really-uncool-kids, right? I don't know that the slang works. Especially since we have no idea where this is taking place.
"I thought you'd skipped class and gone home early. Wouldn't be the first time. What d'you want me to do? Spend all afternoon in that hell-hole just to find out you went home early?" Who is saying this?
Kent laughed. "Yeah, we got held late in Ms. Bitch-acre's class. Somethin' about us not doing out math homework last night. Then somebody over here tired to get us off the hook by asking her if she would really punish us for somethin' we didn't do, and somebody almost got us beat to death with her yardstick." He jerked his finger at his companion every time he said "somebody," just in case Brad couldn't figure out who he meant.
"Nice try, Arik," Brad started to say something else, but the look on Kent's face distracted him. Kent had gone rigid, like a dog on bird-point. Only one thing could make a guy get like that. Arik, who was a full three feet shorter than his friends, had to tiptoe to see above a nearby bush. So is he two feet tall? The jock invited the dwarf but not Brad? How very...unteenager-like of him. Brad followed Kent's gaze to see that two curvaceous "curvaceous" Really? That's kind of like saying "bootylicious". It's pretty overkill. cheerleaders from school had just turned the corner. They were still wearing the uniforms from the end-of-school performance the squad had done.
The boys slowed their pace, giving the cheerleaders no choice but to catch up. As soon as they did, Kent casually walked over and draped his arm around Keren, the only girl in school close to his height. "Hey Keren, so I had this idea, right-"
Becca cut him off, "You had an idea? I guess you better tell us before it dies of loneliness." Nice, but make her cattier. "You had an idea? You'd better tell us before it gets lonely." Shorter sentences give more punch.
Before Kent could reply, Keren removed his arm, turned to Becca and said, "Come on. Let's get out of here before they come up with any other ideas." Again, shorter lines for the cheerleaders.
They The girls turned and crossed the street, hips rolling smoothly. Brad, Kent, and Arik followed them to their street, only admitting defeat when they saw Becca's dad on his front porch drinking a Bud. They turned instead for Christian's house, which was just down the block.
As the guys were walking up Christian's driveway, he pulled up behind them on his skateboard. When his arm had broken, the doctor ordered him off the skateboard until the cast was removed. Christian had been on it the next day. Wait. Now I'm really confused. Brad and Christian are a no-go, right? Then why is he going to Christian's house? I had to reread almost half of the story when I got here, just to make sure I hadn't jumbled names.
"Where were you?" Kent asked. "You should'a been here before us."
Christian grinned. "I had to walk Kathlina home." These kids have kind of weird spellings for the typical American high school.
"What happened to Michaela?"
"She skipped today, and she lives on the other side of town."
"What are you gonna do when she finds out?"
"Eh, I dunno. She's getting a little old anyways. And this total babe just moved in across the street."
Brad shook his head, but secretly admired Christian's ability to pull it off flawlessly.
Christian kicked the skateboard into his four-car garage and ushered his friends inside and into the living room. But I thought that they weren't friends. So confused... The house was lavishly furnished in Asian style furniture Furnished in furniture? Tends to happen. Maybe "decorated" , rugs, and wall art, and the far corner of one wall was almost completely covered by a plasma screen TV. Brad and Christian sat on the couch, Arik chose his favorite overstuffed armchair, while Kent disappeared into a kitchen half the size of Brad's house.
"So, this party?" Arik prompted.
Christian answered, "We got an ass load of people comin'. X is the DJ, we got plenty of space for dancing. My dad has some six packs and whisky locked up, but I found the key last year. We just need food. My mom left five hundred dollars emergency money, think that'll be enough?" What grade are they in? If they're Juniors, as I expect they are, I don't think they'd go after the dad's alcohol. They'd be less obvious and get their own.
The guys laughed. Arik, who was always broke, looked faintly jealous.
Christian went to get the money and keys while Brad, Kent, and Arik went outside. By the time Christian got outside, Kent and Arik were waiting in the Chevy Pick-Up's bed, while Brad was leaning on the hood. Christian and Brad climbed inside the truck, and they drove off to the local, and cheap, convenience store.
When they got back, Brad happened to look at the dashboard clock as he got out. Immediately he jumped out. "Oh shit! I was s'possed to be home ten minutes ago! Gotta run!"
Kent, who was climbing out of the bed, looked at Brad. "Oh calm down. You're always late and the 'rents never care. You could come home tomorrow and get away with it." The 'rents? I've never met anyone who actually says that. Of course, I've never met anyone who really speaks that this so that could be the issue.
"Yeah, but I been late everyday this week. Dad said if I'm late again I'm grounded."
Arik started grumbling that that was what he said every time, but Brad had already taken off in the direction of his house, book bag flopping wildly on his back. He turned onto his street half an hour late, breathing a sigh of relief when his parents old Corvair wasn't in the driveway. Bursting through the door, Brad kicked off his shoes in the mudroom, threw his bag on the couch and proceeded into the computer room.
His eight-year-old sister Kamren was sitting on the ottoman, and she looked up from the monitor as Brad walked in. "Ooh, you're late! I'm telling mom and dad!" "Mom and Dad" since they're used as proper nouns. As she finished speaking, Brad heard the sound of an engine being cut off and a car door slamming. Before he could move, Kamren had Strike "had". leaped off the stool and ran past him. She skipped down the hallway, gleefully chanting, "Brad came home late!" Get rid of the adverb. Say that she's singing or something.
Brad laughed and shook his head before following his sister into the mudroom. Brian Liftridge stooped to hang his coat on the back of an antique style coat rack, ran a hand back through his thinning brown hair, and looked up as his son walked in. "Call it a hunch, but I get the feeling you came home late?"
"I was at the store with the guys. The line was huge."
"Why?"
"I guess because it's payday. There's always a lot of people on pay-"
Brian cut him off, "I meant, why were you at the store, wise ass?" His words were stern but his eyes were laughing. Make that more succinct. We know his words are "stern" but we can't see his eyes, so just tell us about them. Or, better yet, tell us that Brad knows he's just kidding.
"Oh. We needed food cuz Christian's throwing a party tomorrow."
"And I'm sure you asked your mother if you could go already, because I certainly haven't been informed."
"Uh, I was gonna ask as soon as you got home?"
As they were speaking, Patricia Liftridge had been standing by the screen door, listening silently, but now she spoke up. "Aww, let him go, Hun. I seem to remember you were quite the party-goer back in high school."
Brian looked back at his wife and laughed, then turned back to Brad. "Fine, you can go."
"Thanks Mom! You're the best!" Brad turned and ran off to the stairs. Pausing half way up he turned around and added, "Well, sort of." But I thought that he wasn't invited...
Oh. Oh my. Okay, I just reread it again and realized that the kid from the beginning was Shawn. I'm no longer confused, except for why he was dropped so quickly and Brad was never formally introduced.
Slamming the door to his room, Brad picked up the fun "phone" and dialed Christian's number.
"Yeah? What is it Brad?" Probably "What's up?" considering the slang use.
"I just asked. I can go."
"Great, I guess."
"What d'ya mean?"
"We all knew you'd be allowed to go. Your mom never says no."
"True. Have Kent or Arik called yet?"
"They're both still here. But they called home; they can go. Everyone's coming at seven tomorrow."
"Okay, cool. Wait!"
"What?"
"No one invited Ritchie or Zach, right?"
"Those losers from math class? Hell no!"
"Good. Later."
"Later."
The line clicked off and Brad hung up. Pulling off his shirt, grabbing the remote and flopping down on his bed, he switched on the TV. Disney Channel was playing, which meant Kamren had been in his room again. Groaning, he switched to HBO instead, where a horror movie was playing. You've used "was playing". Say that he started watching a horror movie or something.
Brad was just dozing off when Kamren came skipping into the hallway, loudly singing that dinner was ready. Brad switched off the TV and poked his head out his door just in time to see Kamren at the end of the hallway. She turned to face him, grimaced and mimed throwing up, before turning and disappearing down the stairs. Her dark brown hair, braided with a red ribbon, flew out behind her. Brad got a bad feeling.
When he hit the staircase, Brad had to fight not to retch; the smell of his mother's homemade wheat loaf was wafting through the halls. He probably would've smelled it from upstairs.
Brad took his place at the table, muttering, "Yum," as his mother plopped a huge chunk of wheat loaf on his plate. She glanced at him sharply before setting down the pot and taking her own seat. Cutting off a tiny chunk, he popped it in his mouth and gulped it down with a swig of Dr. Pepper. Brian shot his son a sympathetic look. I've never heard of wheat loaf. Is it bread?
Kamren started talking about the party they had had at school. Brad noticed that between sentences she was eating the corn. The wheat loaf was untouched.
Brad managed to get down half the wheat loaf before he gave up. Spooning down some corn and chugging his Dr. Pepper, he quickly goy gave up and dumped the wheat loaf in the garbage disposal before Patricia Is Patricia not his mother? I think it would be "before his mom told him..." could tell him to save it. Looking back at the table, he saw Kamren had only managed three bites, and was attempting to drown it in Ketchup. Laughing silently at her from behind his mom's back, Brad turned and ran back upstairs to shower.
He stripped off his pants, turned the temperature knob all the way to the blue "C," a trait no one but him understood. Just as he was about to get out, he thought he saw a shadow through the curtain, as though someone was standing in the bathroom. He lifted up a corner of the curtain and peered out, but the room was empty. The curtain fell back into place, and at once the shadow returned. Bigger this time, like it's owner was closer to the shower. Again he peeked out into an empty bathroom.
Slightly frustrated, he passed it off as one of Kamren's dumb tricks and stepped out of the shower.
The rest of the night passed normally, and Brad fell asleep shortly after one in the morning. Instead of saying "he thought he saw" just say "he saw" or "a shadow moved". When you say that he "thought" he saw something readers get red flashing lights that there is something there and he's being stupid not to see it. Also, you usually can't see shadows through bathroom curtains since the light in the bathroom is over head and casts a downward shadow. If it were one of those glass showers, you could see movement, though.
It was just before noon when Brad woke up. Getting up, he walked to his closet, pulling off his PJs as he went. Ten minutes later he came into the kitchen, dressed in faded old blue jeans. The kitchen was empty; he found a sticky I would personally say a "post-it". A "sticky" sounds kind of weird. on the refrigerator and skimmed over what his mother had written:
Brad, we went to Wal-Mart. We'll be back by three. Feed your sister. That's such a perfect note. The after thought is so typical.
Typical, Brad thought. Sighing, he walked back upstairs and beat on Kamren's door. When there was no reply, he entered anyway, and went straight to the blinds. He opened them, letting in the glaring sunlight. Kamren's head popped up from a tangle of bed sheets. "Wuzzgo'non?" She mumbled. "Brad? Go'way. Trynt'sleep."
"Whatever. Get- oh shit! Kamren, get out of the bed! There's a spider! A spider!"
Kamren screamed and jumped a foot into the air, crashed down to the floor, leaped back and looked around wildly. "Where? Where is it!" She looked around a moment more before thoughts caught up to her, and she slowly turned to Brad, who was doubled over laughing. "You dirty little butthead! I can't believe you!"
Tears streaming from his eyes, Brad looked at her and said, "Hey, that's payback for the dumb shadow trick last night in the bathroom." The tears are kind of overkill.
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb Kamren, I know it was you."
"I don't have a clue what you're talking about."
"Whatever. Get up and get dressed. You're going to Brittney's house."
"Why?"
"Cuz I have to go Christian's house and you can't stay here alone."
"Why are you going to Christian's house?"
"We're planning a party." He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth."
"A party? Will Arik be there? Can I go?"
"Yes. Yes. No, you're going to Brittney's." Say "Yes. Yes. No. You're going to Brittney's."
“But I’m hungry.”
“We’ll stop at McDonald’s on the way.”
Muttering under her breath, she climbed reluctantly out of bed. Didn't she just jump up screaming?
Brad left her to change and shower. Walking downstairs, he turned into the family room, grabbed the remote, and plopped down on the couch. He quickly stood up again as he heard a sharp crack. Looking down, he saw a pair of wire-rimmed glasses half-hidden in the seat cushion, broken now that he had sat on them. That's weird. I don't know no "anybody" one that wears glasses. He guessed they belonged to one of his father's friends and went to the kitchen to throw them away. He's throwing away his Dad's friend's glasses? Doubtful.
As he turned to walk back to the family room, Kamren came downstairs fully dressed. She looked at him and complained, "Aren't you even going to put a shirt on before we leave?"
"No." That's kind of...I can't think of a word for it. But I'm pretty sure he would. I mean, these are the rich kids. They don't walk around shirtless. Without giving her any more chances to argue, Brad turned and led the way out of the house. His parents had taken the Corvair, so he grabbed the keys to the Volvo as he walked out the door.
Kamren was still sulking, and didn't speak the whole ride, except to give her order at McDonald's. When they arrived at Brittney's house she got out without saying goodbye and slammed the door. Brad shrugged it off and pulled away from the house, onto the highway.
Brad glanced at the dashboard clock. It was one twentydashthree. He quickly did the calculations: a half-hour drive if the traffic was light, put him at Christian’s house by one fifty three, two thirty at the latest, no more than an hour to set up. I got plenty of time; maybe I'll swing by Becca's house on the way there. This party seems pretty early in the day.
As he looked back to the road he took a passing glance at the car settings, and almost jammed on the brakes. The passenger side airbag was on; it was activated by weight. Even Kamren couldn’t get it to turn on. He blinked, and still the little airbag light was on. Hm. Nice touch, as I've never seen this done before, but I honestly didn't know that airbags were controlled by weight.
He looked at the passenger seat. It was empty, but peering closer, he noticed an impression on it. His first, rather childish thought was that it looked like an invisible person was sitting there. Yeah because there is one. Reader's know. Don't try to pull that "he thought he saw" stuff, please, because it's obvious. But sure enough, no matter how hard he looked or how many times he blinked, the imprint didn't go away.
The sound of a blaring horn jerked Brad's attention back to the road, and he realized to his horror that he had just driven into oncoming traffic; an eighteen wheeler was barreling at him. Now he did jam on the brakes, cranking the wheel a hard right. Cars honked and screeched their brakes to avoid hitting him as he desperately tried to regain control. You don't brake if you're trying to move, because then you stop.
The Volvo bumped off the road, teetering on two wheels, and finally came to a bone-jarring halt against a twisted tree root. His Brad's head bounced painfully on the steering wheel and his left shoulder was jammed into the window. One of his legs cracked loudly, sending blind pain through his whole body. The windshield shattered, spraying his face and bare chest with shards of glass. How did he break his leg? He just hit a tree root!
Steam seeped from beneath the mangled hood and sparks flew from the engine. The white lights popping in front of Brad's slowly faded to blackness. Uh. This seems overkill. It's a tree root.
He stirred for a few moments before the ambulance arrived. Pain throbbed through his entire body and the car interior was flicked with blood. Through the shattered windshield he saw a figure looking down at the wreckage, and as his vision cleared she came into focus.
It was a girl about his age. She had wire-rimmed glasses and was, for a reason unknown to Brad, barefoot and wearing a black cat suit. He opened his mouth to call out for help, but something stopped him. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe it was the look of sheer joy on her face as she looked down at the mangled car. "look of sheer joy as she looked down"--change one use.
Brad got the feeling that she hadn't realized he was conscious. Seconds before she looked down at him, another wave of black rose behind his eyes, and he sank gratefully into it.
I'll admit that I was a little worried about taking this on since it's so long, but I thought that you did a really good job. It certainly held my attention all the way through, and there weren't too many technical mistakes (I think if you had given it one more read-through before posting you would have caught most of them, but then a fresh eye always sees things the writer glosses over")
I personally didn't like the slang, and I think that the piece would be a lot stronger without it. I tend to get annoyed when writers use dialect, and teen-dialect is just as bad as Cockney. It makes things sound like you're trying too hard. Just trust your readers to put the modern inflections in for you.
As far as character development...Well, this is the first chapter of a longer work, so the fact that some of them are slow to flesh out is forgivable. I suggest that you focus on making some of them less stereotypical or this will turn into the written version of one of those really bad horror movies, where the characters are all stereotypes. I liked that you made the jock a skateboarder, which is unusual for a jock, rather than a football or soccer player. I think you should continue to play with your cheerleaders and give them the really good snappy one-liners. You might work on the relationship between the three boys and Christian. I can't tell if he actually likes them or is just hanging out with them for some other reason. If he's so popular, some of that popularity should rub off on them, but the cheerleaders seemed awfully cold for that so I'm not sure.
Also, I don't get the cat girl suit. It's making me think of Halle Berry in Catwoman and is just weird. Perhaps this will be explained soon, but, as it stands, I don't think it fits very well.
And listen to Rice about the adverbs. I didn't highlight them as much as I usually do, but I did notice them.
Let me know when the next chapter comes out!
Avens
You have the humour down. I laughed quite a lot, which, even if that's not what you were aiming for was good (:
I agree with Rice in that you need to be more subtle with your supernatural occurences and earlier, lead up to it slowly.
Also I feel a lot of things just suddenly happened with no planning, like his siter going to Brittney's house, woah ok who said Brittney minded if she came round, or like I said them suddenly going to the shops. Also where him and his two friends are walking near the beginning, they don't actually know where they are going it's just woah let's go to Christians.
Anyway besides that and a few mistakes I pointed out this was pretty good, look forward to seeing how the first two paragraphs relate to the rest of it (:
i think its a fantastic story and i want to know more about it
Alright. So far, this is a good story. I'll touch on the three things you wanted first, then some other things that I noticed. Dialogue comes first. You tried to phonetically render street talk. This is commendable, and for the record you actually did very well (the guys talking sounded a lot like my friends talking). But something about it just doesn't seem real. It seems a little fake, like somebody reading something aloud in a real monotone voice. I don't really know how you might fix that. I'd recommend finding somebody on YWS who specializes on dialogue things and get their opinion. You'll get a lot farther on that front.
Description now. Your description is fairly good, but it's only optical. You need to focus on more things besides just what can be seen. Smells and sounds are also part of description. If you remember that while describing things you can make this story better.
Character development. So far, Brad's looking to be a typical teenage boy. Bad? No, not really. I didn't see much as far as development went, but this is only the first chapter. The rest of the characters seemed a little like cardboard cutouts to me. There was nothing really connecting me to them, it seemed. Try showing us a little more of their personalities.
And, finally, things I personally noticed. First big thing: the adverb is not your friend. I noticed you use adverbs a lot. Adverbs are most often weaken your writing. If you can edit them out it will make your story much stronger. Also, I do not know if the first few paragraphs really belong, however it may be that they are backstory rather than a teaser, in which case it is quite appropriate. Also, you say this is going to be a supernatural horror story. If that is the case, you need to associate the main character with the supernatural occurrences earlier than you have. At this point in time, I can barely see the supernatural connections (ugh, even I'm not immune to adverbs). And when you do show them, it's, Bam! Ghost Girl beside car. You need to be a little more subtle when you introduce them. If you do introduce the supernatural early and subtle, you can keep the ghost girl beside car scene and it will still work.
Well, that's about that. I hope that I didn't give you too much harsh criticism, and that if I did, it was helpful. This does have the potential to be a good story, it just needs a little work. Kudos!