Published June 3, 2008
OK, this is just an idea that popped into my head one night, so even I don't think it's all that great. I wanted to see if people think I should stick with it or just let it fall. It's kind of childish, I know, but yeah, here it is.
Oh yeah, it's not done yet, this is just the beginning, maybe a prologue or first chapter.
“Are you sure?” Derien asked incredulously.
King Ofusa nodded, “She’ll be safe there. As soon as the battle is won, we will come to fetch you both.” He tried to sound commanding and strong, but couldn’t stop his tail twitching with uncertainty and fear. His ocean blue eyes were shadowed with grief that he could not keep his daughter safe in his own kingdom. He looked down at a young baby, wrapped in a fine seaweed blanket and lying in a small, jeweled clamshell. Her red hair, an echo of her mother’s, was pulled back behind her, and one small thumb was in her mouth. The tip of her tail poked out from the blanket. He didn’t know how he could bare to send her away, knowing she would grow up believing another merman was her father.”
He was muttering now. “I can’t let her stay here and be slaughtered. She is too young to remember this place. You can both live peaceful lives as humans until the invaders are driven off We’ll send a messenger to fetch you when it’s safe.”
Derien didn’t respond, not entirely sure that the king was addressing him. For a moment they were both silent, trying to think of something to say. Just then Queen Tanya swam up behind her husband, the jewels on her crown twinkling in the artificial light. As if woken from a trance, they roused. Derien bowed his head to the royals.
“I should stay here and fight for Milantis. Isn’t there another better suited to raise a child?”
“Perhaps, but there is no other I would trust with the life of my daughter.”
Derien didn’t reply. Touched as he was by the king’s trust in him, he couldn’t help worrying that he wasn’t the right type for the job. He had been trained as a warrior and advisor, the mermaids raised the children. It was pointless to argue any more, though; Queen Tanya was the only person who could change King Ofusa’s mind, and she agreed with him.
Derien bent down to pick up the jeweled clam basket, and its precious burden, off the ocean floor. His whispered words were carried away by the swift current. Bowing once more to the king and queen, he turned and swam to the far distant shore. He stopped once and looked back, then turned away again and was gone, leaving only a trail of bubbles in his wake.
Now that Derien was gone, King Ofusa no longer had to put on the bravado act, and he let his shoulders slump. He turned to Queen Tanya for comfort; troubled blue eyes locked onto confident green ones. For a moment he let himself get lost in their depths, worried about Ariana and Derien, uncertain whether the invaders would ever be driven off, reluctant to take his warriors into a battle they might not come back from.
“The invaders will be driven off, and we will see them again.” The strength of Tanya’s conviction gleamed in her beautiful eyes. Then she turned away, and the moment was gone. “Come on, it’s time.”
Squaring his shoulders once again, King Ofusa followed after his wife down the dark hallway. The outer chamber was dully lit by preserved Angler Fish that had, according to legend, been brought up by Neptune himself from the depths of the ocean that even the merpeople could not enter. Groups of mermen milled around in small groups, talking. The more experienced warriors floated with their chest puffed out, brandishing their weapons, the old-timers hung in groups, their eyes shining as they recalled previous battles, and the new kids tried to look tough, but couldn’t stop their tails from flicking anxiously.
A servant brought up King Ofusa’s Trident, which was encased on the other side of the cavern. Trying to shake off uncertainty, he kissed his wife good-bye and swam to the front. He had to believe her. They would defeat the invaders, and Milantis would belong to the merfolk again. At once, the chatter stopped and the mermen came to attention. Their families were milling around the walls.
As tearful relatives called out their final farewells from behind, King Ofusa bared his Trident and let out a battle cry, leading his warriors out into Open Ocean. They took shelter in clumps of sea grass and behind coral reefs. Weapons glinted dully in the faint, watery light, as their owners grew tense, swimming steadily and unknowingly into a trap.
* * * * *
Ariana woke suddenly. Sitting bolt upright in bed, she looked around wildly. The room was silent. “Just a nightmare,” she murmured. Still, she slid out of bed and padded across her room, the thick carpet muffling her footsteps, stumbling over stuffed animals and a Barbie Corvette. Stretching slightly to reach the doorknob, she opened the door and walked into the hallway towards an open door a few yard down.
Ariana didn’t realize how loud her breathing was in the silence, didn’t wonder why the lumpy shape under the covers wasn’t snoring as usual. Instead, she pulled herself onto the bed and crawled to the top of the lump, where a head poked out of the covers. The eyes were open. “Daddy?” Ariana questioned. “Daddy, are you awake?” She shook his shoulder, a little worried now. “Daddy? Daddy wake up! Daddy?” She was crying. Tears leaked out of her eyes. “Stop it Daddy. Wake up!”
He didn’t move. The eyes still stared up, glazed and sightless. She knew what to do; Mrs. Morrison had explained it to them in school. Sliding off the bed with a slight thump, she went to the phone. She dialed 911. The tears were really coming now. Mrs. Morrison told them they had to stay calm, but she couldn’t help it. The phone rang for a moment that lasted five years.
The clam voice answered, “911. What’s your emergency?”
Ariana explained haltingly between sobs, “My daddy… he won’t wake… up… I don’t… know what to do.”
“Where do you live?”
“Tuh-Two nine three s-six Wuh-Warren Court. I-in Mi-Mil-Mililani.”
“Okay, it’s okay. I’m going to send people to help. Okay? Stay with me. The doctors are coming to help. It’s okay.”
Ariana held on to that voice, trying to stop crying. She was scared. She didn’t really understand what happened when people left their bodies, but she had learned a little about it in church school. The voice on the other end stayed on the line, sounding calm and reassuring. Finally, there was a knock on the door.
“Mrs. 911? I think the doctors are here,” Ariana said; her voice had calmed a little. She was still very scared, and she didn’t want to say good-bye to the lady, but she had to answer the door. Reluctantly, she replaced the phone in its cradle and padded down the hallway to the front door. The walls were covered with murals of the ocean floor. Her daddy had painted them. There were mermaids and dolphins and fish and things Ariana couldn’t begin to guess at.
She got to the front door, almost unable to reach the lock, then she twisted it and stepped back as the “helpers” came in. They looked around, almost overlooking Ariana. Then a woman helper knelt down by her.
“What happened?” Her voice was calm, like Mrs. 911, so Ariana talked to her. Seeing the scary looking helpers in their dark uniforms brought back her tears though, and she could hardly explain.
“I ha-had… night-m-ma-mare. I… went i-into… D-D-Daddy’s… room… a-and he… he wuh-wouldn’t… answer… but his e-e-eyes… w-were… o-p-pen.”
“Where’s your daddy’s room?”
Ariana was sobbing now, so she just pointed down to open door. The dark-clad “helpers” went down there immediately. Only the nicer girl helper stayed behind. She led Ariana over to the couch.
“What’s your name, Sweetheart?”
“A-A-Ari-Ariana.”
“Okay Ariana, my name is Lily. What’s your daddy’s name?”
“D-Dave.”
Lily started to say something else, but another helper had come up. He spoke briefly with Lily, grief in his eyes. Behind the back of the couch, out of Ariana’s range of sight, the rest of the helpers were carrying a stretcher out the front door. The one that had stopped to talk to Lily hurried after them. She turned to Ariana.
“Do you know about the angels, Ariana?”
“T-They t-t-teach me about t-th-them in ch-church s-sku-school. T-they live i-in H-heaven.”
“Well, Ariana, your daddy has gone to sleep with the angels in the skies. He’s happy there.”
Ariana didn’t really understand everything about going to live with the angels, but her church school teacher promised them it was a good place. “W-Why didn’t he t-ta-take m-me?”
Lily winced. After a moment of thought she said. “Because you’re too young. He didn’t want you to go see the angels so soon. In years and years you can go sleep there, too.”
“B-But I m-muh-miss h-him.”
“If you’re a good girl you’ll see him again when you go to see the angels.”
Ariana was still too young to fully grasp the concept of death. What she did know was that the man she thought (and still believed to be) her daddy was gone. She started crying even harder, tears pouring out. Lily hugged her tightly, soothingly stroking the little girl’s long, fiery red hair, until finally, Ariana, still crying, fell asleep.
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Okay thanks, I'm editing it now, and still working on the next part.
Hey Jamie!
Intro: The story starts in a strange place. You drop us down into the middle of a a big event and it's kind of awkward at first.
Ooh, mermaids! I have sufficient lack of mermaid stories in my life. =)
Bare is to "bare skin" or something. Should be "bear". Also, ditch the quotation mark at the end.
Where is the artificial light coming from?
Comma should be a semi-colon.
Wait - that woman that came with the ambulance crew - how does she know her father is dead? You mention that she stays with Ariana, so she really has no way of knowing the actual state of her father, and then she begins telling her he's in heaven. You need to fix this, because as it is, it's hasty and a little morbid.
With that, I also have to mention that your plot pace is much too fast. You need to slow it down, add more descriptions, more emotions and thoughts so we don't feel so thrown into the storyline.
Characterization is good. I can really get a sense of the King's anguish over his daughter. Poor father.
Thanks for the read! I hope I helped. PM me if you have any questions. =)
Okay, thanks. I edited all the typos. I'm horrible with that. I"m almost done with the next part, and I'll post it soon.
Hey Jamie who rocks and writes rocking stories
Heres my Critique
hope you like it
King Ofusa nodded, “She’ll be safe there. As soon as the battle is won, we will come to fetch you both.” He tried to sound commanding and strong, but couldn’t stop his tail twitching with uncertainty and fear. His ocean blue eyes were shadowed with grief that he could not keep his daughter safe in his own kingdom. He looked down at a young baby, wrapped in a fine seaweed blanket and lying in a small, jeweled clamshell. Her red hair, an echo of her mother’s, was pulled back behind her, and one small thumb was in her mouth. The tip of her tail poked out from the blanket. He didn’t know how he could bare to send her away, knowing she was here i think it should be 'knowing she would grow up believing' growing up believing another merman was her father.”
He was muttering now. “I can’t let her stay here and be slaughtered. She is too young to remember this place. You can both live peaceful lives as humans until the invaders are driven off We’ll send a messenger to fetch you when it’s safe.”
Derien didn’t respond, not entirely sure that the king was addressing him. For a moment they were both silent, trying to think of something to say. Just then Queen Tanya swam up behind her husband, the jewels on her crown twinkling in the artificial light. As if woken from a trance, they roused. Derien bowed his head to the royals.
“I should stay here and fight for Milantis. Isn’t there another better suited to raise a child?”
“Perhaps, but there is no other I would trust with the life of my daughter.” over here you don't explain why the king trusts him so much. This is not essential but it would be better if you explained it later in the story.
Derien didn’t reply. Touched as touched as whom?? her was by the king’s trust in him, he couldn’t help worrying that he wasn’t the right type for the job. He had been trained as a warrior and advisor, the mermaids raised the children. It was pointless to argue any more, though; Queen Tanya was the only person who could change King Ofusa’s mind, and she agreed with him.
Derien bent down to pick up the jeweled clam basket, and its precious burden, off the ocean floor. His whispered words were carried away by the swift current. Bowing once more to the king and queen, he turned and swam to the far distant shore. He stopped once and looked back, then turned away again and was gone, leaving only a trail of bubbles in his wake.
Now that Derien was gone, King Ofusa no longer had to put on the bravado act, and he not his his let his shoulders slump. He turned to Queen Tanya for comfort; troubled blue eyes locked onto confident green ones. For a moment he let himself get lost in their depths, worried about Ariana and Derien, uncertain whether the invaders would ever be driven off, reluctant to take his warriors into a battle they might not come back from.
“The invaders will be driven off, and we will see them again.” The strength of Tanya’s conviction gleamed in her beautiful eyes. Then she turned away, and the moment was gone. “Come on, it’s time.”
Squaring his shoulders once again, King Ofusa followed after his wife down the dark hallway. The outer chamber was dully lit by preserved Angler Fish that had, according to legend, been brought up by Neptune himself from the depths of the ocean that even the merpeople could not enter. Groups of mermen milled around in small groups, talking. The more experienced warriors floated with their chest puffed out, brandishing their weapons, the old-timers hung in groups, their eyes shining as they recalled previous battles, and the new kids tried to look tough, but couldn’t stop their tails from flicking anxiously.
A servant brought up King Ofusa’s Trident, which was encased on the other side of the cavern. Trying to shake off uncertainty, he kissed his wife good-bye and swam to the front. He had to believe her. They would defeat the invaders, and Milantis would belong to the merfolk again. At once, the chatter stopped and the mermen came to attention. Their families were milling around the walls.
As tearful relatives called out their final farewells from behind, King Ofusa bared his Trident and let out a battle cry, leading his warriors out into Open Ocean. They took shelter in clumps of sea grass and behind coral reefs. Weapons glinted dully in the faint, watery light, as their owners grew tense, swimming steadily and unknowingly into a trap.
Well thats it. What i really liked was that you gave small hints of info that say a lot of things like the part where you talk of Angler fish and king Neptune. You not only gave a hint that there might be more 'legends' to come you also told the reader that these mer-people have a link to Greek mythology.
Also you tell us that Ariana calls 911 when her supposed Daddy wont wake up. Which means that they live in a developed time when telephones and other mechanical instruments are developed. Also telling the reader that although humans have guns and other communication methods the mer-people still live in a medieval age. which means for some reason they stopped developing.
And i would really like to know who these invaders are and what they want with the mer-people. So PM me when you add more.
And once again, it's edited. Hopefully I got out all the typos this time. I'm working on the next part now, and it should be done soon.
Okay, thanks again Scasha. I'm horrible with typos. Guess I'll rewrite again, then. Thanks for everything.
Hey again Jamie! Here's my crit!
Love it! So much better! I made very minor changes, which were few and far between. Very impressed! This was definitley a lot better!
Hope my crit helped
PM me if you have any questions
Okay, I edited it. I think I got all the typos, I'm not sure though. Thanks for everything. I'm working on the next part now.
Good job!! I really like the descriptive language you use when describing the Queen's eyes. Milantis is such a creative name. You did a really good job developing your characters in the beginning, I could actually see them in my mind. And I like the plot, very intruiging.
You need to start a new paragraph when someone new is talking.
That line sounds so awkward. We all kind of know that it is Ariana, so instead of trying to be mysterious just say that Ariana woke suddenly. We will figure out that she is still very young with her stretching to open doors.
For as little as she is she seems unnaturally mature and calm for such a horrible situation. The whole scene from trying to wake him up to the police arriving just doesn't seem very believable. I know it is cliched but make the girl shake, stutter, cry, react somehow!
This doesn't sound convincing. I highly doubt they are just going to brush her aside. And how do they know exactly which room to go to? The police are going to stop and ask questions not charge in like a stampede. Have a police officer kneel down to her level and ask where her daddy is and what happened, etc. This will be much more believable
Again start a new paragraph when someone new talks.
Other than that keep up the good work.
Okay, I'm almost done with the next part. Thanks!
Really liked it, It went at a nice fast pace that was easy to follow.
Some grammar but that's mostly gone over so i'll leave you to your work.
Wish it was longer though.. looking forward to more if theres more to come.
Keep up the work and you'll do fine.
--- CompleXion
No real complaints except for two things. For one, whenever there's a new speaker, you need a new paragraph. I think that's already been covered.
Also, when someone makes a 911 call, generally the 911 operator is trained to keep the person on the line. I imagine this is doubly true when the caller is as young as I think your narrator is.
Hey Jamie!
In-depth review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words/sentences/phrases I've inserted that I think could work better with your piece.
Here we go!
You have the foundations of a very good story here. Here are some additional/general suggestions:
Slow Down: It's very important to show the reader what's happening. It brings them into your world using description, showing action, dialogue etc. The way you wrote this at some points sounded as though you were telling me what was going on, and I couldn't really picture it myself. Your readers want to be a part of what's happening so by slowing down, showing detail, having smooth transitions, you can accomplish a more realistic picture.
Format: Definitley remember to put paragraph spaces where the dialogue is. When a different character starts speaking, their lines deserve another paragraph.
Setting: I couldn't really picture the setting in either the prologue or the first chapter. Describe more. What does the ocean look like? What does the bedroom look like? Is the house dark, are there eerie shadows etc. I want to be able to see your setting.
Realism: You want to make sure that aspects of your story seem realistic. Although merpeople aren't realistic, writers can make them seem very real, as you did in your story. At points though, more showing instead of telling would really bring readers into your world. At the ending of the chapter you want to remember what would realistically happen in a situation where a father died and a child was at home. Your ending was very blunt and I don't think the caretakers would have approached saying that in that manner. Think of how people would interact with one another and try to translate that into your story
Other than that, well done! Keep up the good work! I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, but this was a very solid piece and I'm only trying to help you make it even better! PM me if you have any questions
OK thanks.
I was planning on making it longer though, I guess I should have specified that.
It was really nice and easy to read. You can get got really fast in the story which is good. I just thought that it was a little short. But that me.
I really liked it, it's reaminded me of a dreamed I had about Mermen not long ago.
I thing that you should make it in a longer story.
keep up the good work.
frenchy
OK thanks.
Ideas happen all of the time. Most of what I personally wrote was taken from memories and specific scenes from dreams as well. I thought this idea you had of a story with Mermen, an innocent daughter, and her dead father welded together quite well,
This was the only bit of grammar which I thought was somewhat understandable but still a bit unclear. I know a telephone is being rooted back into it's cradle but the use of "replaced" was something which threw me off, unless there was more than one landline phone involved.
Otherwise, keep this idea! And be sure to build on it as you've already started to.
Sincerely,
-Elitehusky