This is something I wrote a couple weeks ago. I'm not really sure where it fit because it is a narrative but its too short to be full story, also it doesn't really have a genre.. I guess. Also I'm trying to think of a better title, "Desert" is just too obvious.
Due to events unknown and undecided, a man unknown and undecided was stranded in the desert. How he got there, who he is, and why he’s there is irrelevant.
This man began to walk, searching for salvation. The warm sand shifted beneath his feet as the sun demanded the sweat glimmering on his skin. There was no shade, nothing but the hot rays, all aiming at him. His stomach growled at him unforgivably, questioning the reason for its hunger. He too pondered this reason. His throat became drier each time he swallowed, the saliva sticking to his palette. His body tired and started giving out; there was nothing else he could do to help himself, but to walk and pushed himself further. After an uncountable amount of delirious hours, he realized how close he came to reaching an undesirable end. The sun began to set behind the curved, undisturbed horizon, and he realized his desert just might exist inside the circumference of an hourglass. He even felt as if time was dripping away, each second plummeting to its end like a grain of sand. His heart let go of the last strands of hope. As the sun finally disappeared, he slumped on the ground, defeated. He ran his fingers through the grains of sand and began to relive his entire life; from the moment he was born to the moment he began his end. He remembered it all. The tough, the good, the pressing, the challenging, the thrilling, depressing, the enthralling, and the inspiring, it all led to the same outcome. He was alone, and he was finished.
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Canary word: Present
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Okay, you have some errors with verb tense in the first paragraph.
This starts out in past tense but then switches to present tense. Devote yourself to one tense and don't switch around. The last sentence should read: "How he got there, who he was, and why he got there is irrelevant."
Actually, I dunno. You might be able to keep that in present tense. Hmmmm. Its whatever you wants, I guess.
And the basic idea just isn't that intriguing to me. Sorry. You should read "To Build a Fire" by Jack London (Its a relatively short story) and, er, take some ideas of that. It will emotionally connect the reader to your character more. Cause right now we don't really care about this dude.
PM for questions/comments,
Cheers,
Lena
thanks!
and yeah I know my grammar sucks. :[
And I kinda wanted to make him really ambiguious sort of that he can be any man you know?
Hey JamieAnn!
So, I acutally found this to be pretty interested! I love all the profoundness of it!
There was one thing I saw though:
Little tense mix-up there it seems. I think it would sound better with "push".
But like I said, I found to be really good! The narrative was interesting and the first sentenace really got me! The idea itself was appealing!
Keep up the awesome work!
-Irish
Hi JamieAnn,
I'm sorry to say that I had difficulty reading this piece. It has persistent technical errors like punctuation mixups (example: the last semi-colon), tense changes (example: second sentence switches from past to present) and misused words (example: unforgivably should be unforgivingly). In addition, you tell us things you explicitly think are irrelevant, leaving me wondering why this irrelevant information is part of the story.
I think you could make this piece a little more active by using more striking verbs. For example, instead of "began to walk", you might try "trudged" or "stumbled" or something else that expresses his weariness. Maybe his throat "burned" instead of "became drier".
Finally, I'm not sure I learned very much about the protagonist here, which leaves me thinking that the characterisation is weak. I don't know his name, age, origin, history, personality, attitudes, beliefs, opinions. I could swap him out for any other character and the story would remain the same. I wonder if you could make this story more compelling through stronger characterisation. Ideally, the protagonist would actually do something. For example, a religious protagonist might rail at God for abandoning him here, or a resourceful protagonist might set up a dew trap to gather water. His choice of actions would tell us a lot about him as a person.
Hope this helps, JamieAnn.
Cheers,
Karsten