pickles crunch juice
fills my mouth,
drown all sorrow.
happiness.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hey there, James. This is going to be a bit of an unconventional review, because this is a bit of an unconventional poem.
This is an intriguing title. What do you mean by it? I'd love to discuss this in the future. Looking at the content of this poem, I interpret it as a satirical commentary of society's fixation with death, the afterlife, and religion.
Anyhow.
I want to talk about this "pickle juice".
Like fortis said, I do think the flow here is a bit off, especially in the first line.
There seems to be some form of punctuation missing here. Is it, "pickles crunch - juice", or is "pickles crunch juice" the newest flavor of "Xtreme" Goldfish? It sounds like one. I'd try using a hyphen, to really accentuate the suddenness of the juice.
Moving on.
I'm thinking that you could use a more powerful phrase here. "Fills my mouth" just doesn't do pickle juice justice, am I right? Or you could elaborate, like, "fills my mouth, / liberating my taste buds". That's right. I feel that strongly about pickle juice. GO BIG OR GO HOME.
I like the physical and mental connection here. The juice is literally drowning the sorrow, 'cuz it's liquid, but it's also making you euphoric. Got it, but I think you're missing an "s".
I'd find a stronger word than this. Like I said, pickle juice doesn't just make you happy. It's practically cocaine. I'd say "euphoria", or something of the sort.
Overall Content:
Overall, I'd say that this is a satirical look at the things our society values... and doesn't value.
Excellent work, my friend. Excellent work.
IronSpark
Hello!
Your title was very deep... and then the poem. Caption unrelated, huh?
Honestly, I really like your title and wish I could see something with this title that actually had a reason to have that title. Perhaps though, the pickles fill you with such jubilation that your faith in God is renewed. That would be interesting. Can't see what dead birds has to do with it though. But that's okay.
The poem itself is very simple and rather unique.
There seems to be something strange with the grammar, however. Without a piece of punctuation after "pickles crunch," it hardly means anything. I had to reread it several times and figure out what you were trying to say and where the grammar should go. Personally I think it should go like:
"pickles crunch. juice
fills my mouth:
drown all sorrow.
happiness."
Though honestly I find the last two lines to be redundant without something else in there. Maybe you need an adjective before happiness. Something.
I hope this helps somehow. Let me know if you have any questions!
Keep writing,
~fortis
I love it.
I am so confused.
Welcome to YWS. As a newbie myself i'm here to introduce you to the type of critique that this site is infamous for XD
First off, poetry is much more than rhymes and rhythms. It's the song of one's heart. No matter if you absent-mindedly write some words on a page, the poem is still YOURS!
And so with this poem you're doing what I like to do and throwing readers a curve ball with titles. Titles are independent beings that don't need to rely on help from the body of the poem. Very nice (believing in the existence of God: bonus points) XD
But simplicity is the key here. So when you take the general approach and start out with what truly brings you happiness, no one can dispute it.
And now for the poem itself.
A lack of capitalization doesn't bother me, but it does give the poem a diminished feel if that makes sense.
I particularly like the long pause from
"drown all sorrow" period
to "happiness"
That vibe really resonates, letting first the reader feel that sour ecstasy of a fresh, juicy pickle, and letting them feel also sorrow being drowned, and then finally you're conclusion
"happiness"
ties the whole thing together for a satisfying feel after the pickle is eaten
Anyway, if my ramblings don't make any sense I apologize, but i'm here to say good job! And welcome again to YWS
-Oracle