Running down the street Jarik dodged and weaved past the people in the street on his way. This was an important one. He knew from the expression on old Tegrath’s face that this letter was to be delivered or destroyed if he didn’t make it.
Turning right down an alleyway, moss on the cobblestones and dirt making it slippery, he heard the men. He kept looking behind hoping they weren’t coming, but he knew better, then he saw them. With their gleaming swords out and vicious dogs at their side they came for him. Looking for a turn off he saw one coming on his left. Skidding around the corner he sprinted past beggars and rubbish on the sides, he jumped as a cat ran in front of him and ducked as a rock swished past his head. He turned his head to see how far behind they were, big mistake.
Smack! Straight down on the cobblestones, blood poured out his nose and onto the cold surface. He looked at his hands, grazed and bruised but they’d be alright. He could hear them coming. Suddenly he was lifted off the ground and slung over a shoulder. He knew they had him, so he hit and punched, scratched and spat until he was knocked on the back of the head and all went black.
He woke up leaning against a wall in a narrow alleyway, looking up he saw a boy about his age looking down at him.
“Get up, ‘em dogs sniff you out soon from that bloody nose”, the boy said.
He reached up to his nose to find it had clotted and had been cleaned. “Who are you?”
“The names Tanner, and you better get moving to wherever ya goin’”. Tanner started off then stopped and looked back. “Remember, you owe me”, with that he took off.
Jarik got up, checked the letter was still on him and looked around to get his bearings. “Better get a move on” he mumbled to himself. Running as quietly as he could down the streets, so not to be heard, he came around a corner and stopped dead in his tracks. Just ahead were two vicious looking street dogs, lying down, munching on what remained of their previous meal. He tried to sneak past but there was no chance, they could smell the blood, as soon as they saw him, he took off. They came after him almost at his heels, barking with excitement, as he ran towards a wall. Looking for a way over, he spotted a drain pipe and sprinted towards it. He jumped and climbed up as fast as he could. The dogs were below him trying to jump up and grab his legs. He clambered over the wall, gently landing on the ground. This is it, he thought with relief, the sign glimmered in the sun, ‘Stradbroke Street’ and he ran straight down to number 43.
He knocked on the door. A well dressed man in his early forties stepped out and took the letter. Jarik knew to wait as the man went back inside, returning a few minutes later with a letter with one word written on the front ‘Tegrath’. He said farewell & closed the door.
“Here I go again”, and he was off.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey JamesB!
Welcome again and thanks for the suggestion. This was great.
I'm okay with the vagueness because I'm vague with my first few chapters. This is a great start and I hope you post some more.
Hey again! I re-read the story and I love the changes you've made
It flows better and it's easier for us to follow.
Good job!
-Truth-
Hey! Welcome to YWS!
I liked this. You wrote the chase scene well, and I was pretty gripped. Still, I think there are a few things you could improve.
We find out that the thing is a letter at the end, but we never find out what's in it. So, not specifying what the thing he's delivering is at the beginning doesn't really add to the mystery in any way. In fact, I think it would be even more intruiging if we knew it was a letter from the beginning; that way people's curiousity would build through the story as the people come after Jarik.
So, he gets captured by the people who were chasing him, right? And then he gets knocked out, and when he wakes up he's safe. This is odd because you never mention any kind of rescue or escape, but there must have been one because otherwise he would still be held by his capturers. The story would be clearer, I think, if you explain or at least hint out how it is he's come to be in this alley with Tanner.
Question mark goes inside the speech marks.
You need a comma after 'on'. Dialogue punctuation is tricky, but there's a good explanation of it in this article.
This is a comma splice: two independant clauses only connected by a comma, which you're not supposed to do. You could put a semi-colon instead of a comma, or you could put in a conjunction such as 'and', or you could split it into two seperate sentences, but right now it's a little clumsy. This happens quite a bit throughout the story: TheTruthLiesWithin pointed out a few examples in her review. For a better expanation of this, see here.
So, overall this was well written and an enjoyable read. You could improve it by tidying up the dialogue and making the events a little less confusing to follow, and by rephrasing some of those awkward sentences. To me though, this feels much more like the opening to a longer story than a standalone piece. Are you planning to write more of this? 'Cause I for one would definitely like to read more.
PM me if you have any questions!
Hey James B!
So this is intriguing! There's so many unawsered questions... what happens after? Why are the men fallowing him? Why is the message so important? The story line is good but I can't help but feel there's got to be something more to it. The POV is good, and the writting is great
Grammar wise, there's not much I saw that was wrong... just mostly runons.
I think maybe here you should break up the sentence at the coma. It seems a bit awkward.
Same here, because you don't continue with the same thought.
Again, it seems you're jumping too much from one thing to another.
Same.
I added just a simple coma to mark a pause.
That's pretty much it
You can PM me if you have any questions
Keep writting!
-Truth-