Hi YWS, I've got a little scene from a story I might publish later on. I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to throw out some ideas!
Padawan Battle
Xalen’s breath came in short gasps as the hum of the enemy’s lightsaber vibrated off of the walls. He could feel the dark side of the force emitting from his opponent like a river of darkness.
He barely brought his lightsaber up in time to block a heavy blow from his opponent as the dark man jumped out of the darkness. His lightsaber was wretched out of his hand through the force and into his opponents. Red and Green hummed in unison as the padawan watched the cloaked man approach him.
Using his mind, he reached around him, trying to find some way to fight back. He found nothing, and at last the dark man was standing over him.
The last thing he saw was the face of his best friend driving the sabers into his heart with a smile full of hatred....
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Wow! Being a HUGE Star Wars fan, I was very impressed with this piece. I did catch a few grammar mistakes, as I tend to do. Such as, "His lightsaber was wretched out of his hand through the force and into his opponents. Red and Green"
Force is supposed to be capitalized, 'opponents' should have an apostrophe because it is possessive, green does not need to be capitalized, and finally, red and green what? I understand that they are lightsabers, but others may not. You may try adding 'lightsabers', 'weapons', 'blades', etc. I am only stating possibilities, as other than these few grammar errors, I very much enjoyed this work. Keep on with your topic, for it is a great one. May the Force be with you!
Hello, hello!
Kinda short, huh? But that's okay, as it is an excerpt only! As someone said before me, you give good hints as to what would happen later on, with a nice dramatic flair.
A few pointers, I have. *hrmmm* (<- Imitating Yoda like a boss.)
The jump from the first paragraph to the second is perhaps a bit clunky. Try tying them more firmly together, linking the happenings more closely, per say. In a writing this short, the ties are very important.
Guess you meant 'wrenched' here. And shouldn't the Force be capitalized as well? Also, apostrophe (however you spell it) in "opponent's".
Lastly, I know it's short and all, but could you try and pump a little more emotion from the padawan into this? He/she is just too bland in this and I at least didn't find myself feeling any empathy for the padawan - with his friend killing him and all - because he/she seemed artificial and inconsequential.
Hope some of this helps!
|Life|
I love this scene right here! Reall gets the blood pumping. If you make this into a book, I have a feeling it will be great.
I like how you gave some action in the scene, yet you hinted around about something of a betrayal between friends that could branch out a thousand more ideas, really gets the reader interested, makes them think.
This scene could be the prolougue of a great story, and that's all I really have to say