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16+ Language Violence

Lucifer's revenge

by Jalexander

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

The guy hamered his fist on the tabe, on wich i was handcufed.

-What where you thinking!? -yeld the guy on me.

We both knew it was stupid questio becouse we both knew the answer. I newer seen him soo angry before. But he had a good reason to be.

-Do u know what did you just do? You judged those normal people on death. You summoned appocalipse! Is there enything secred to you!? -aggain he hit the table wiht his fist.

I looked in the one-sided miron in this interigation room, wondering who is behind it.

-O.K. There is no use of yelling at you or punishing you. There is only one way we can deal with this. Where is the key? -he asked now more calmly.

-Its in my bag. -I said.

He looked in the mirror and noded then aggain turned to me.

-We will need your hellp wiht this. We cant do this without you. -he relised me from the handcufs.

I rubed the place the handcufs where scraching my hadns.

-We will firsth geht her out of there. Then we will both help you. -I said and stod up from the chair going to the door.

-To bring her back from hell? Are you sure about it? -

-Thats the reason i opened it. -

-You opened hell, doomed all the people and all the fallen angels on death...only to bring her back? -

-Seams like fair trade for me. -

That was how i felth. She was all i had on this world. And seeing her die like that made me lose my mind.

-O.K. I know that u would not help us otherway. We will help u go in, but we wont follow u in. Lucifer can kill us. Only you can do that kind of thing. -he said.

-Then I'll go in by my self. You will guard the entrance. -i said and opened the door.

He really did listen to me. I didnt belive it will work to make them help me, but they really need my help. In half an hour we where ready and in the truck going to the war zone. I checked my guns and my sword. Sword was stained on few places so i cleaned it. They gave me two hand-guns. Enchanted of corse. Mayn deamons will fall in front of them. We had two hours to the war zone. I was soo tired so i closed my eyes. I fall in sleep almoust imidietly. Dream I had was not pleasent. Accualy all I was dreaming happend. Now i have a dream of what happend five days aggo. She was still alive then. My name is Tirin Breadet and I'm half angel half human. My mom was a human. She pased away giving birth to me. I newer met my dad. I was rised by mom's older sister Angela. Tirin was my moms last name, and Breadet was last name my ant goth when she merried to uncle Ed. Ed newer liked me...dont know why. When i was ten years old i left my home and started to train as a demon hunter. Just like that. It happend one sunny day. One guy in black knocked on the door, spoke to Angela and Ed for an half of hour and they said I have to go with that man. I did miss my ant in long time. Years passed and i became best im my group. Best in ewerything. The second one was allways girl named Sara. When we turned eighteen we finished trening and where redy for the real thing, deamon hunting. Me and Sara became partners and we where good in our job. We keept our city Hanville cleaner from deamons. Eight years passed from finishing training. I was the best hunter in team. Eweryone wached me with respect and honor. Two years ago Sara and I started relationship, secretly of corse. It was forbiden. Not just fotbiden to have relationship with someone who works in that group of hunters, but it was forbiden to have eny relationship at all. But we both hated rules. Lucky me. Soo lets geth to the dream allredy. I was dreaming about event wich happend five days aggo. I wish i didnt speak to that guy. Me and Sara where called to meat one secred sorce who will tell us something about one lost holly weapon. There where just few left for us to find. And one of them was the gun of a general in the old wars. It looked like a normal revolver, but it was more than that. It is said that it could harm or even kill Licifer. And that guy was telling us that he sow the gun. Guy who was our sorce was a fallen angel. But outcasted one. He left the Heaven and didn't join us. Meaning he is outcasted. He had no powers or super strength. He was like normal human, just the deamons like to kill them more than ordinary humans. Soo all he asked was that we protect him for a while. We acepted the ofer, of corse and he showed us where the weapon is. It was by one weapon street dealer. We had to fight the dealer for the weapon. It was eazzy. He cant harm us. So we had the weapon and we where more than happy about it. But then the fallen angel who told us about the weapon said he knows where we can find Lucifer. He said this is an opertunity we wont geth aggain. Lucifer was in close by vilage and is leaving in just few hours. We couldn't wait. We jumped in our car, bringing the angle wiht us and hited the road. On our way I called our boss to inform him about the situation. Our boss is called Eliot. He was the guy who was yelling at me when i was hancufed for the table. He said that we keep going with the mision and that he is sending more troops to help us. They will be one hour late behind us. But in that one hour Lucifer could escape. I knew that it was something wrrong. Luifer doesn't come to the Earth for nothing. Or maybe he is searchin for something we dont know. We arived in the village as fast as we could and found not a single living soul there. The village was empty. We turned around to see that fallen angel who told us about weapon and the Lucifer, and he was standing there behind us with a big smile on his face.

-U really tought u could kill Lucifer with a toy like that one? -he asked pointing at my belt.

The holly gun was atached on my belt. I realized in that moment. I pulled the holly gun out and fired a bulled in the fallen angels head. It kicked him few meters away and he fell on the ground.

-U think he is a deamon? -Sara asked me.

-No. I think he is Lucifer. -I said.

-Corect! -said the "fallen angel" geting up form the ground. -My name is Lucifer and I planed this out to kill you. -he pointed at me. -But first. -he swinged his hand and a fire-ball from it hited Sara.

She had no time to dodge it. It was to fast. Her body shatered in the ashes. I couldn't belive it. I took my sword in one hand and that holly gun in other and charged on Lucifer. I was so angry and pissed. Full of rage i was swingin my sword wildly. He was dodging and smiling. Like he was entertained by this. That was pissing me even more. I fired a bullet and it hited him in the chest, giving me enough time to make my next move. I threw my sword in his neck. Sword hited him and almoust pased trough his neck. I charged and pulled my sword and swinged to cut his head of. But he blazed a fire-ball in my chest. It threw me away and I landed on my feet few meters behind. Lucifer wached me and couldnt belive. I couldnt belive my self. I was alive, but me and Sara where wearing saem armour and cloths.

-So it begins. -said Lucifer and disapeared in a blaze of fire from the earth.

I was there for a while standong ower Saras ashe's. And then i hited the road. I didn't take the car becouse my guys would have tracked me down. If they find me they would stop me. I couldnt let that happen. I was looking for something that i reded about in one old book. It hapend to say where one of eigth seals of hell are. Sara was a human with many sins, so I knew she is in hell. I had do bring her back no mether what. Two days aggo i found the seal. It was in a old dry well. I clibed down it and found a secred entrance in one cave. On the end of the cave was that wall. It was all scribled with warrnings and curses. But i din't care. I pulled the diamon wich was in the midle of it. I could feal the hell opening. I thnk eweryove could. U just could feall that eavil wich is relised. As i turned around Eliot was standing behind me.

-Fool! -He screamed at me and hited me uncoucius. I woke up yesterday in a jaill. They gave me time to recover and then they brought me in that interigation room.

-WHAT THE ... -a scream woke me up from my dream.

There was a flaying beast behin us. Looked like a grifin, but was black. From his boody a black steam was rising. It was big as our truck. In the truck where tree hunters, two fallen angels and me.

-How far are we from the entrance? -I asked Eliot.

-Five minutes. -he said.

-Give me one granade. We dont have time to fool around wiht birds. -I said and standed on the end of the truck.

Guy behind me passed me a granade. I waited for the right moment. The grifin speeded up when he sow me standing there defencles. He opend his mouth to bite me but i punched him with my fist. He screamed wiht anger and tried aggain. Soo I activated the granade and threw it down his throat. The bird started to kof and faled on the ground rolling. Two seconds after it exploded. The huners in the truck couldnt belive i just did that.

-That was stupid. -said Eliot smilling on me.

-It worrked. -I answered.

We where waching the Henville on our way to hell. U could say that we are allredy in hell. Buildings destroyed, deamons crawling around, human bodies ewerywhere, houses on fire and smell of death. But for some reason I ddint feal sorry for it.

-Do u know what happens to the souls now when the hell is opened? -Eliot asked me.

-They end in Death's kingdom.. -of corse i knew the answer.

-Sir!- soluted one hunter to the Eliot. -They just reported that heaven opened. God sent huge armie on Earth. -

-WHAT!? -screamed Eliot droping his cigar from his mouth.

Now that hell and heaven is opened the four riders of apokalypse will be summoned. They will kill ewerything what is walking or flying on this Earth. God did this on purpose. He wants us all dead.

-Tell them to wach for the raiders and inform us on theyr summoning. -ordered Eliot to the hunter.

-Yes sir! -saluted man and wen ti the front of the truck.

-We have to close the hell fast. -said Eliot all worried now.

Truck stoped, meaning we are here. I jumped outside looking around for eny sign of deamons.

-Clear. -I reported.

Hunters and fallen angels followed me and we pased betwen two buildings. One was leaning on the another creating some sort of the bridge. Behind the pasage there it was. The entrance to hell. The ground betwen us and hell was crowded with deamons. We prepared our weapons and charged. We cleared the path to the hell, but there was still too much deamons out side.

-Go Tirin. We can handle them. -ordered Eliot.

I reached to the edge of entrance in hell. In the holle was the fire tornado and the tornado's eye was waching me. Asking my self "What is waiting for me down there? " I jumped in the holle. In the air answer crosed my mind...

-She is. -

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Points: 660
Reviews: 30

Sat Apr 13, 2013 7:55 pm
tragicHearts wrote a review...

I'm not great at writing yet but I agree with everyone else who reviewed.
Bad grammar like using u instead if you and a lot of missed spells words.
I only got halfway through before I have to stop because it was very hard to follow.
It is a interesting idea and could be good just need to work grammar.

Good luck

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10 Reviews

Points: 524
Reviews: 10

Fri Apr 05, 2013 9:32 pm
Rainheart wrote a review...

So. I read this. And basically, I have the same complaints as everyone else. Grammar is terrible. There's basically no way for me to write down *all* the spelling mistakes. The dialogue is kind of typical and not very catchy. Also, in dialogue, you need to use quotation marks. Don't you read books at all? When someone speaks, it's common knowledge to use quotation marks.

Another thing. I noticed you kept switching from "said Eliot" to "Eliot said". Stick to one or the other, please. Typically, most writers would say "Eliot said". "said Eliot" is kind of old school and is really only found in older novels.

Forgetting everything I just mentioned, this story actually had a lot of potential to be pretty good. I love the supernatural idea. Lucifer. Opening hell's gate. Very nice. But when you consider everything that is wrong with this piece, I can't help but want to close my eyes and wish I never read it.

Jalexander says...

I do read books :D but on my language...My language's way to diferent from english gramar...we dont have spelling or duble leathers...or to much of those "time" rules...those past simple or those things...soo its rlly hard to write on english...but I am trying and will try to do it beather next time...but i have a great story in my head soo i decided to share it with you...I dont care soo much about gramar but will try to do it beather becouse i see u guys do :)..ty on comment.

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19 Reviews

Points: 1182
Reviews: 19

Fri Apr 05, 2013 9:22 pm
DiskElemental wrote a review...

I tried reading this, but I just couldn't. All my props go to Louis for actually finishing this.

From the 15 (or so) lines, I managed to get through, my comments are as follows:

1. If you want anyone to even consider reading your work, don't even think about using "u" instead of "you," or "i" instead of "I."

2. From now on, type everything on a word processor and install spellchecker on your web browser. As it stands, your spelling makes this piece unreadable.

3. Dialogue uses quotation marks, not hyphens.

4. Where's your punctuation? Where are the commas, apostrophes, and semi-colons?

Jalexander says...

1. The online games are to be blamed :_(. My eng. was almoust perfect before i started to play online games....u know what i mean...
2.That is a good 1...I will instal spellchacker...srsly need 1 -.-"
3.Ye...srsly I did fortogh bout quotion marks...o0 ty on pointing it out...
4.This is just intro...Im wrriting the 1st chapter...Intro is just used to "introduce" you to the story...its not made to detayl ewerything...

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289 Reviews

Points: 30323
Reviews: 289

Wed Apr 03, 2013 1:19 pm
Caesar wrote a review...

I was happy when you mentioned facing Lucifer. I like novels where you face demons.

Unfortunately, I wasn't so happy after having read about two sentences. You really, really need to brush up on your grammar. Not only is your use of verbs entirely incorrect, but this is also riddled with too many typos for me to possibly point out without suffering extreme trauma, but you also use, and I cannot believe I am saying this, chat speak. Chat speak. What kind of self-respecting writer uses chat speak? It's demeaning to both your readers and yourself. Do take the time to type you and not u when writing something which should be passed as a novel, otherwise we're never going to take you seriously.

Now, furthermore, the content here could be written better. You open with dialogue, and that oh-so-rarely works, because you kill all forms of immediacy. You could show these things, either in memory, or flashback, or even a dream. Not dialogue, you just kill the moment. It also doesn't help that you throw us in the action without explaining who your character is and why we should care about him. You just plop us right into the action, and present a badly written, insanely anti-climactic fight with Lucifer. You have too much dialogue, and then no dialogue for one long, long paragraph which is just bleh. Kills our eyes as well as our brains, if you get what I mean.

Your ending was also confusing, you close and open with dialogue, and both times it's not satisfying. Makes little sense, overall. I also feel like pointing out you misspelled hole (of the many things you misspelled). Do put more effort into your writings, please. I recommend you read more, and gain more confidence with your english, before attempting to write.

Hope this helped

Jalexander says...

Well i know my eng "sucks" but Im trying...
And u should know that all this is just an intro..the story dint even all starts in hell. Characters will be described bether. U could even see I didin't mention eny emotions or enthing like describing more about enviroment...becouse this is just an intro...anyway...ty on ur comment it did help.

Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"