My first poem, inspired by Paolo Nutini's song of the same name. Enjoy.
Making pathetic excuses for art,
Far more interested in hearing your laugh,
And as your gaze and masterpiece momentarily part,
You giggle at my crudely drawn, bright orange giraffe,
And although I don’t always understand the things you do,
Or what it was that I did that made you so mad,
I know that I’d probably be mad with me too,
So I guess I can learn to live with that,
For only with you can I see reality,
And without you beside me I’m blind,
These short few years have gained immortality,
For they will always live on in our minds,
And all the time I’ll be growing,
Growing up beside you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi There.
Let me start off by saying that for a first poem, this is really good. It's fun to read, and thumbs up for that.
I had two things to point out, but WallFlower, has pointed out that forced rhyme point I had. Which leaves me with just one more.
I think maybe you should add two more lines in the end, just so it ends a little better. It's good the way it is right now, but I felt it ends a little abruptly.
it's a personal opinion, so you can overlook. I just thought I'd point out.
I hope you write more because I'll be looking forward to it. If you need any help, anywhere, feel free to PM me!
Harshita
Hello! WallFlower here
For a first poem this is good! It's really sweet and you did well with rhyming. You also had a good consistency with your rhythm. Nice job.
I only had one nitpick.
This rhyme seems a little forced to me. Whenever you write poetry, a good idea is to read it out loud to yourself to check the "flow."
Good job, and keep writing!
~WallFlower
i liked the 1 2 1 2 rhyming pattern you had within this poem. i could tell you had a slight message within this and how your title related to the entire poem and not just a line or two within it. I also like how the title was also part of the poem, as the last line.
though i think you should make more of sections like the 5th 6th and 7th line. put a period at the end of the 7th line since the next part talks about another part of the relationship.
As your first poem it was really good you should keep it up. i'd like to see more poems from you later on as you put more up in your portfolio