I think I know now why you love red. I am,
right now, watching the slow bleed of it across
the ivory of chrysanthemums that we planted last
fall. They smell of summers at your mother's home--us
sewing beads beneath a sapphire dreamcatcher--
and bend under the breeze as though under your hand.
I want to push them down; grind clumped petals to
the dirt so they can finally rest, so they can stop
lying, stop breathing in the stale autumn air. But this--
this will also do. Red on white, and drying at the edges:
these are the flowers you love. You will remember this,
I hope, as I remember the long, slow burn of your
lips that night you came back late smelling
of rain, mint and rosemary.
I told you that night that the sharpest edge
of worry comes between midnight and morning,
lying alone and counting shadowed leaves
on the ceiling. (But you kissed me, touched my chest
and said:
trust is as fragile as a wallflower's stem.)
You were wrong, sweetness, because as I sliced the
rivets of your spine, I told you that trust is the lacerated gospel
you take to the Earth when you die.
(And when your breath stopped--caught
in just one reedy gasp--you looked to me:
____Just let me hear you say it)
I love you most, dear, when you forget to smile. When,
like now, your hair splays among dark grass like
sundown in the fall. I love you most with
your lips parted, red and elusive as
the flicker of candles on a table set for two.
But your hands are still and cold like the phone against
my cheek when I whispered:
____It's our anniversary, darling, and I'm waiting(and it was raining against the windows, in a pitter-
patter of shadows and lights and echoes).
I am digging your grave right now beneath the boughs
of the willows by the river, where branches meet
water and summer skies hang low. The roots grasp
at the air, and against the shovel my fingers slip, so
clumsy, so rough. Already, they miss you, though
it was only an hour ago they last brushed against
your face, and protested letting you go (and I think
there is blood on my lips still, from when I kissed your brow.)
Do you remember how scared I was, how my
hands shook like our drapes over the air vents?
You pulled me closer, whispered with your lips
to my ear,
I love you, and I said
I know, and could n--
____(words tangled in my throat, caught helpless in
____the still waters of your eyes)
--and for a second there I could have hated you.
Because what stung most was not the print of
strange hands around your wrists, or the heavy
scent of flowers at my nose, or even the way
your eyes closed when you lay beneath me, but
rather the soft turn of your mouth in the morning,
and the gentleness of your lips over mine,
and the way you tried to love enough for
two.
__________(and also, and above all,
how your every glance could spell
I forgive you.)
I will begin by saying that the way yu end your lines and start new ones is, in my opinion, wonderful and original.
since your poem is so well-written anyway!)
The only suggestion of mine (feel free to ignore it as well
And my favourite lines. These:
and all that comes after.
I honestly admire your skills. I have no words to describe how wondeful this poem seemed to me. I shall like it instead!
I think it's amazing, I love your beautiful way of using your words!
Although I agree with a few people's criticisms, but other than a few things. I liked the choppy flow to it, to be quite honest, I think it makes the emotion shine through more, but that's just what I think. xD
I think you could use other variations for the word love, because it's used a bit too much and a reader could get bored of a word if it's repeated too often.
I liked how you use brackets to show how the persona of the poem's thoughts are interjecting into their words, I think it makes it more dramatic. All in all, the whole thing brought a tear to my eye. XD
Love it. (:
I love this. Actually the only thing that bugged me was when you started using pet names, so to speak, I felt like they made it a little too sweet (or something like that) and kind of broke away from the beauty of the rest of the poem.
That is all.
~Blue
well... You've done very good with the imagery.. And it was very deep felt but I got a bit confused regarding the inspiration for writing this poem...
Oh man, tears....
Wow. I loved it!
Wow. There are only a few errors, which are just the ones the the previous reply-ers have mentioned, and it flows quite well. I really like this, the atmosphere seems to me to be very Edgar Allen Poe remeniscent and that is a good thing. It's dark without being overall depressing and was intoxicating to read. I loved the perspective in which we read it (the point of view given) and how the emotions are evident but not overwhelming the poem. I really like this.
Hi there
Wow this is really fantastic. I can see why this is a featured work.
Firstly, the imagery is fantastic. I think imagery and strong pictures can be lacking in a lot of poems but not here.
Secondly, I think it was quite daring of you to use the brackets and italics.
However I have a few problems with the flow. It feels quite choppy in parts.
But besides that, great job.
I really like this.
It almost made me cry.
It's so deep and I love your style.
Keep writing
-K xxx
So, first off, this is more than I expected it to be. I mean, before even seeing it, I set ridiculously high expectations, even worried myself a bit about how impossible I was making them. Problem is, you're my two favorite poets.
Anyways-- you somehow reached them and then surpassed them. Which is crazy-awesome. I do think that there are some points you can improve, but overall, this was excellent.
1) Imagery.
Now, you both are imagery-gods, as you know, but it's easy to get lost in a some bits of this. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. Let's ignore who this is coming from. But there are a lot of unnecessary parts in this piece, and I really think that the piece (while beautiful) suffers from it. You could definitely go through this and look at it a bit harder. Determine what really moves the piece along and what doesn't. Some pieces need that type of description that seems to just reword a phrase and slip something else in, but you have such a beautiful story and such concise language, that it just gets overwhelming taking everything into consideration.
2. Stylistic Whatnots.
This really ties into the last point, obviously. But... oh well.
There are some parts that sacrifice flow for your nice images and references and, while they're nice and I love how wonderfully it all comes together, it just gets a bit too widespread for me. I think that while we all fall in love with your words, it's easy to get lost in them. I got a bit overwhelmed in the first read, and went back, eating each stanza separately. That's when I noticed everything, and was able to actually catch all the imagery. The first time, I was trying to hold onto the idea while taking in each image and everything contained in them, and... I lost it all. I wasn't able to properly focus on either, and so it didn't hit nearly as hard. It felt almost glazed.
3. I don't actually have a third, but felt that two points that are really similar didn't need points after all. And I'm lazy. Anyways. Reading back through this, I really am amazed at the piece you two have put together. Try to clean it up a bit, I'd say-- watch out for weird rhythms/flows when you're letting your style take its place, and this might just get even better. If that's possible.
Great job, you two. You should collab more often.
(Sorry for the lame review)
<3
As your friend competition, I'm here to leave a few helpful hints for ya.
I'm all seriousness, I'll try to be helpful because these contest poems are far too ignored for my tastes.
Firstly. I say, strip it down forget the imagery. Tell it to us straight.
Secondly, not enough emoh. Add moar.
Thirdly, add some emoticons.
Lastly, make it gushy, with lots of romantic variations of the word loving.
Don't let me spoil your fun, but you should seriously consider the above if you want any chance at winning.
Spoiler
This is, without a doubt, well written and that's to be expected with you two working together. But I dunno, it's kind of not special to me, it's pretty much what I would imagine your work to combine to be and it works to be really one voice, but to be honest I was bored halfway through.
I'm going to keep this brief, because you two know what you're doing and Louis Armstrong in the background is distracting me. My issue with this poem lines in the sickly sweet nature of all the imagery that sets all the same kind of tone the entire poem, that by the end it become bleh and redundant/overused.
It's probably me being picky, but I expected you two to churn out something a little more lasting then this. This is something I read through once on a Friday afternoon in fading light, think about for a moment and move onto another. It's a pleasure read with nothing that sticks to the reader, because all the emotion and imagery tastes, looks, feels the same and your poem becomes a tightly knitted metaphorical plateau.
But I'm just a grouch. A wonderful piece to enter.
Kamas
LOVE IT. Nice job, Jaggs! Love the title, the words, the emotions and basically everything else. It has alot of mystery as well......I have no idea what your intentions were when you wrote it! Is it a goodbye? a thank-you-for-loving-me, or simply remembering someone? Good job though.
'and I'm waiting' doesn't have the romantic tone it needs
'there' sounds too casual
You're written a lovely poem here. I read the entire thing. Being a dyslexic, borderline ADD person, it requires true skill to keep my attention.
Very, very nice.
Oh! One more thing. Capitalizing the title would've made me enthusiastic to review it.