Published October 17, 2007
Its my second poem. Tell me what you think, please.
Rain poured down on that day
Arm in arm, mother and son
All the things she wanted to say
To say that he was her one
Seventeen years of working nights
Four years of after school lessons
To keep her son away from fights
Praying daily, counting her blessings
Trying to make each other proud
She standing with people yelling
Him, hearing the roar of his crowd
Him, keeping true to her telling
Graduated class first
Couldn’t be more proud
Schools wanted him worst
Made the colleges his crowd
Last day of his old life
Got a proud mother
And a proud to be wife
Can’t forget his proud brother
Walking outside was his time
They saw it all there
Now the church bells chime
Cries filling the open air
Rain poured down that day
Arm in arm, mother and son
All the things she wanted to say
To ask God, Why take her one?
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I'm sorry to say this didn't stick with me. You over-used the word "proud" and your rhyme scheme needs work; it sounds forced. Also, you should give concrete examples. Like, how did he die? I'm still not sure what the son's character is like. Still, I agree that your last line is very nice.
The lines here had a nice rhythm except the last one that lacks a few syllables.
In the second stanza, "lessons" and "blessings" don't rhyme like the as the other lines do. Other than that, it's okay, though.
I agree with Lay that you should have a coma after "she" in the third stanza.
I liked this ending.
You did present the idea well but somehow it lacks depth and meaning in the sense of emotions. I think you can stress on the sacrifices the mother made and the pride they had to the gried she suffered once he died. There can be more to elaborate on that, I believe.
But ah, I'm not too good with poems. But I liked this and hope to see more!
Excellent. You presented the idea well and you had few problems.
Trying to make each other proud
She, standing with people yelling
Him, hearing the roar of his crowd
Him, keeping true to her telling
Graduated class first
Couldn’t be more proud
Schools wanted him worst
Made the colleges his crowd
The good rhythm you had going here broke. The last line sounded too long for the rest of the stanza. Try maybe turning colleges to college.
Other than that, it was brilliant.
~Lupe