S Poem

Hi, Jade. I'm here to give your poem a very long and helpful review.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

I would have to disagree with recreating about the rating. Suicide can be a very triggering topic, and I'm glad that you've set the rating so high. It's best to err on the side of caution.

Let's dive right in, shall we?

I found the whole poem pretty cliche. The language you use brings nothing new to the table, and the rhymes are forced. The images you use cease to be images in my mind because I have heard them so many times.

Here are some cliches that need to be changed:

With a knife in her heart

already dead

A battle too hard, a war too strong

What does war have to do with the rest of the poem, anyway? Make sure you're making metaphors that make sense within the poem.

the mask

The very concept of the mask being used in this fashion, to cover up true feelings, is dreadfully overused. It's not the language in this case, but the idea.

Bloody tears on her face,

death’s sweet embrace,

Though the subject itself can be cliche, we can present it in ways that are not cliche. Poetry is about making connections between new things to make the reader feel something. Since this was rife with cliches, I did not feel anything for the girl in the poem, despite having been in similar situations, and despite the heavy subject. Jukai (Sea of Trees) by our very own Moo is an example of this subject portrayed in a very new and emotionally charged manner.

The ending is unclear. Did she actually kill herself?

I suggest you throw out the rhyme scheme altogether because it's dictating too much what you're saying in the poem. Free verse poems are a thing, and tend to fit serious topics better, as rhyme often gives a poem a lilting, nursery rhyme feel to it. In several places, you have to use odd syntax in order to get the end rhyme. That's what we call forced rhyming.

Use more varied vocabulary in this piece. You tend to fall into patterns. Try not to use the same noun, verb, or adjective in the same poem if the form permits it. Obviously repetition is a thing, but the repetition of your words in this piece was almost definitely not intentional.

Your capitalization is inconsistent. While capitalization is the poet's choice, I think it would be better if your capitalization at least stuck to one form. It seems that you were trying to capitalize the first letter of every line, but you missed a few. This poem would look best if you capitalized it as you capitalize prose, capitalizing only proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences. However, since you're using an end rhyme scheme, capitalizing the first letter of every line is traditional. But if you do as I suggest and throw out the rhyme scheme completely, I suggest you capitalize it the other way.

Here are some great articles here on YWS that concern the things I talked about if you would like more information.
Cliches in Poetry
Capitalization in Poetry

I hope that this review proves helpful to you, and that you choose to look at other people's works as critically and deeply as I have done to yours. It's rather fulfilling when you get into it a bit. Have a nice day, and good luck with your writing.