Young Writers Society

Really liked how your prologue makes me want to keep reading what comes after this.

"Prolouge

80 years ago I wasn’t someone Known to man, I wasn't someone to be remembered, I was a normal kid with a poor life, no one to call family, only my sister, she was adopted, I was nowhere, nowhere, just floating through life. My main priority was that she would live, would see me as okay, when in reality, I was far from it, my name may not have mattered to a single soul back then, but my name spreads on the news every second of everyday now and so does hers, I love to look at my past life and sob, cry, and sometimes even laugh. It all started when I was 12, and my sister was 10, I was in 7th grade and My sister was in 5th, she's not my sister now though, I still see her as my sister, the girl who I risked my life for, who I gave up my childhood to be a parent for. I could have called social services and just let someone else take care of us, and stayed away from her, hey she didn't like me, and I didn't like her back then, why stay by her side? Well I had no choice, and I was a brat about it, but once I got settled into the rhythm, and admitted to myself that dad is never coming back, I invited her into my life, more importantly, I loved her way too much about a month after, she was everything.. To her I must have been a mean parent, anyway the point of the matter is, I'm someone that is down in the history books, no, I am not the Queen of anything, I'm the President of everything. My full name that I was given is, President Latheroil Floral Caulfield, also named, Latheroil Caulfield, the poor girl at one time, and also named, Parent Latheroil Caulfield. Many names, one person, one legacy, Now I may seem like the star of the show, but I am anything but, it all starts with my sister, my sister isn’t the star of the show either, our story is the star of the show, and we're just the actors, and talk about a grammy award story right?

Happy 80th Birthday Eliza!

Love,

Lathro" This is an amazing write. The history, the information. All of it is amazing! I really liked it. I will definitely read more of your work. Keep writing!







Lady Astella

Thanks for sharing your story. It is very admirable that you are taking time to write stories. It shows ambition and a healthy imagination. It did catch my attention and curiosity. But the constant punctuation mistakes via the ommission of commas, periods, and capitalization creating a constant stream of run-on sentences which kept distracting me.

This faulty punctuation needs to be fixed if you want the reader to follow the story with ease and enjoy it as you intended. Also, passing the piece through a spell-checker would be helpful. The word “prologue” is misspelled.

Hey, J here for a review.
Where to start good or bad. Um I have always believed in let the good news cheer you up so let's go bad first.
Now this its bad persay but there are a few things that need to be looked at. First, your length for a prologue is great but I found it a little hard to read because it was grouped together in one big paragraph. Maybe try to break it up a little. Maybe start a new paragraph after the sentence " I love to look at my past life and cry sob and sometimes even laugh" and again at "I'm the president of everything".
Right at the beginning you have a capitalization issue it should be known and not Known.
You should start a new sentence after "I was a normal kid with a poor life"
Start a new sentence after "would see me as ok"
You should spell out your numbers it will make your story easier to read and it's just a general grammar rule. There may have been other grammar mistakes but that's all I found.
One really major think I found was that you need learn how to show and not tell. You will write an in general better story if you show and tell your readers things.
Now good things.
Your plot was easy to follow and I could see where you are going. One thing I really liked was that you gave me enough to become invested in your story but stopped right when I was getting interested. That's the key to prologues.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!