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Journey of My Heart

by JadeLotus


My heart was once whole.

Then someone thought 

That it should be broke.

It was shattered.

But I managed to glue it back together.

Minus a piece or two....

My heart was fine, still beating in my chest.

But sadly the above sentence is just a past tense.

Someone squeezed it too hard

Then laughed as I picked up all the mushy parts.

I managed to squish it back together.

But that person stole a piece so I try not to remember.

My poor, deformed heart was then beating irregularly,

So a person decided to cruelly put it out of misery.

They stomped on it.

Smashed every bit.

And they claimed the dust that was left as theirs.

Now I'm left with just a tiny piece.

Other people hold the rest of me.

The journey of my heart wasn't good.

People saw and people took.

I could try to take it back but I know,

That they will always have a piece.

A part,

In the journey of my broken heart.

So this is the first draft of a poem I wrote when I had a few minutes. I would like some feedback on how to revise it to make it publishable.


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Sun Mar 31, 2019 11:31 pm
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metrophobia wrote a review...



It is really hard to transcend the cliched nature of the metaphor of the broken heart - since it's one of the most classic metaphors in the book...

I think the best way to make a poem about broken hearts not cliched, is by taking out that metaphor altogether, but if you have to use it, you have to give it quite a twist to make it say anything that's not already been said before.

In the second half of the poem you move in that direction when you start personifying how the broken heart has been beat up - it could have some concrete details about what this metaphor translates too though. Here's a whole poem about heartbreak... and... we don't learn why the person's heart is broken. Try to add some of those concrete details back in, have a bit more fun with the metaphor itself.

There's my recommendations to you.

Good luck!

- metrophobia

no need to fear a verse or two,
when writing poetry is what you do




JadeLotus says...


Thank you!



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Sun Mar 31, 2019 1:06 am
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Anma wrote a review...



Hello Jade!

This is a great poem here.

This is such a pretty poem.

Its very strong and the theme is very touching.

The tittle really goes with the poem and it actually is a attention grabber.

I do have to say though there is a few grammar, and punctuation error.

But either than that its great!

Sincerely Anma




JadeLotus says...


Thanks~



Anma says...


No problem :)



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Fri Mar 22, 2019 5:39 pm
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hi! It's me giving a quick review for this poem. :D

I see no stanzas in this poem, so I suspect you have an issue with the formatting. It's pretty common here until you're familiar with how things work. I suggest you to go through these articles (YWS Article Index) to learn about how to format.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's talk about the poem.

It's quite sad. Like, really, really said. You've painted images in my mind - the heart, what's been done to it, what's left - and yet these can be interpretated many ways. How did the persona glue back the heart? When someone squeezed it, what did it mean in real life? Did someone pressure the persona to do whatever they said?

And when someone stole the piece, what was the situation telling? First thing that came to mind was... rape... and how when the persona was raped, she lost something about herself to the rapist. That's how I could imagine someone stealing a piece of heart after they squeezed it. It's an uncomfortable thought, but it makes the poem more poignant. Just what happened to the persona?

The conclusion that the persona's heart wasn't whole, that others had a piece of it, was a sad ending. The persona had went through so much that she wasn't wholly herself at the end, caused by people who had taken away from her the personalities and the character she had. It's just so sad, and the fact that it can happen and has happened in real life just makes it more of a waking-up call.

The poem manages to be poignant and I like it. I suggest you to expand more on your imagery - not just the heart, but also perhaps other parts of the body. Describe the evil person who has done bad things to the persona - maybe their hands are long and branches-looking? Providing a more extensive imagery can add more to the experience of the readers.

Other than that, the poem as a whole succeeds in getting through the reader's heart. Keep up the good job! :D




JadeLotus says...


Honestly, the poem was about someone falling in love but that person didn't like them back, so they felt like they'd never be whole again. I should add more detail, though! Thank you so much for the review



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Thu Mar 14, 2019 12:38 am
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Morgan says...



Hey Jade.

I think that this was a really deep poem. I mean, I get it. You’re heart’s journey was the same as my homework when I threw it into the trash can. Lol....

Now, relating to suggestions, I would say maybe try and see if you can make most of the sentences ryhme, and separate them into stanzas. I really like this poem. I mean, if this was how you actually felt, I was gonna say that I understand how you felt. This is really relatable to a lot of other people and I think you should keep up the good work.

~ your friend, Morgan.




JadeLotus says...


Thank you for the review! This will help my poetry writing in future :)



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Thu Mar 14, 2019 12:25 am
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Liberty500 says...



This is really good, Jade. Great work!




JadeLotus says...


Thank you, Libby! (I hope you don't mind the nickname!)



Liberty500 says...


I like the nickname, Jadie! (Is Jadie okay?)



JadeLotus says...


Sure! I like your picture btw!



Liberty500 says...


Thanks. Any suggestions for what its name should be? These are the suggestions so far:
~Fortune
~Liberty Fortune



JadeLotus says...


Lady Liberty
Libertie (Liberty spelt differently)
Fortune1Liberty



Liberty500 says...


Mm, sounds cool. I'm getting a horse in two years or so, so maybe I could use these names! But probably not Fortune1Liberty. XD Thanks!



JadeLotus says...


XD no problemo. I thought you meant as a username. Sorry! XD



Liberty500 says...


Oh! Okay, I should've made myself clearer, :D



JadeLotus says...


XD




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