Green glass, green eyes
No leaves, blue skies
Looking through herself to see
If this is now the time it'd be
Frosted nails, frosted tides
Flaking clouds, warm inside
The speed of light, darkness comes
Below the waist, crumpled ones
White ground, white blinds
Closed door, open mind
Many moments, months since then
I'm still here, her patience thin
Accustomed siblings, accustomed friends
Romance prepared, chances end
No more need for looking hopeless,
I'll be here until you notice
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Life's too short, my friend.
Hey there~
It's been a while since I've reviewed, so I don't know if I can say anything.
But I do want to say that holy moly, this poem is amazing. The way you describe things. It makes me wonder, why do some writers envision the world more beautifully than others?
I have no nitpicks to tell because it seems that the other person who reviewed this summed up all my thoughts.
The only thing left I have to say is my nice comment on this. Aw, too bad I don't have anything to criticize.
That's a compliment.Okay, so I love this poem, I can relate to it. I love the lines here, I love the phrase 'flaking clouds'. I don't know why. I just do because then I imagine clouds flaking in my head. It's just lovely.Thank you for this amazing poem you've written. You hit me in the heart, you know.
Well, happy writing~
Hey JackTheNarrator,
I really enjoyed your poem! Going from what you said in the description, this is a topic that a lot of people can probably relate to. Agonizing, for sure, but at least it makes for some good writing! x'D
Jokes aside, I thought you expressed yourself amazingly in this piece. The imagery, specifically in the lines
"Frosted nails, frosted tides,"
and
"Flaking clouds, warm inside,"
evoked a picture that I could relate to. One of the best things about this poem is that you related the imagery to a lot of the senses, which really helped in creating a concrete picture of the scene.
That said, there are a few things you might want to keep in mind. Someone gave me the advice recently of using more powerful words -- stretching the boundaries of language, so to speak. This could apply here very nicely! For example in the line I highlighted above ("Flaking clouds, warm inside") 'flaking' is such a nice adjective, 'warm' feels a little dull beside it. Of course, with the structure of your poem -- which is nice in itself, I think -- you can't afford room for much more description, so maybe this more applies to writing you will do in the future, as something to keep in mind.
Another critique, last one: the line beginning 'accustomed' and ending with 'chances end' seemed a little out of place. Maybe because I'm lost a little on the meaning, in which case it is my fault, but the wording seems a little clunky in comparison to the rest of the poem, which flowed very nicely and seemed to have a softness to it. You might be able to word it differently to advance the same point. I would give some examples but because I'm not totally sure on the meaning, it's probably best I leave it to you.
That's all I can say for this poem, though. I really enjoyed it! I felt the ending was sweet and fitting in the context of the writing, as well.
Anyway, I hope this helps a little. cx And I hope you keep writing! I look forward to reading some more of your work!!
- AustereMelodies