Published September 12, 2012
Chapter 1
The tumbleweed tumbled down into the dusty track off the highway, and stopped in the sheltered depression below, and stayed there for a week or so, before the winds came from the south, and then the hard rains came, and the yellow ground soon started to lift, and so did that weed, into the marshy lagoon below, and that ground followed, 'till those sticks flowed out to the Mississippi delta, whereas all that was dead or dying, met, and the 'stuff' flowed down that same river till it met with a passing steam boat, the goliathan ores sweeping it all till it's stop in a port, New Orleans, collapsing in the dry dock below.
Chapter 2
It was here that LeRoy Jackson, a small negro boy of 17 years, picked up this 'stuff' and walked back home.
-"Seaweed's in ma!" said LeRoy.
-"Jesse!? Jesse!? Is that you Jesse!?", replied Ma.
-"Yes, Ma, got the brown stuff too. Lotta twigs too".
-"Good boy, Jesse, if only your brother Samuel was this good, we'd have those prawns by now".
-"We'd get those prawns, ma, and grow those turnips, u just wait, where's da?"
-"Stroking his chickens."
-"...and feeding those horgs too, I bet, the good for nut'in claptraps".
-U don't speak ill o' those horgs."
-"Well ma, they eat sure, and shits some stuff, but they's do no good, u hear!".
-"LeRoy Jesse Benjamin Jackson!, u speak no ill o' those horgs, and u will respect your da for feeding them".
-"Yes ma."
-"We nowls speak any more of it, you hear, and keep looking down at that river, there be prawns there!".
Da came in, his cap to the side and his trousers pulled up high, like to about to say something.
-"I needs to say summit", Da exclaimed, "well those darned prawns arn't comin', and those turnips ain't sprouting, and those horgs don't do much, shit a bit but nutin' much else.."
-"Told ya, ma", LeRoy said aside.
-"Shhh", snapped ma.
-"...so perhaps Jesse needs to get a job?".
-"What! No, what's about Samuel?".
-"Your brother made his choice, Jesse!"
-"Da, I's going to school tomorrow, and I'm never speaking o' this again".
-"Jesse!"
-"Never!"
Chapter 3
LeRoy walked the full 4 miles to his school, and there he sat in the back, with brother Samuel (a rare sight), Lennie, and Soloman.
-"Now people", exclaimed Mrs. Turner, " who's can tell me who founded New Orleans?"
-"Why Miss, miss", cried Soloman.
-"Yah".
-"It's be those pigeons".
The class giggled as one, typical of a negro boy, they think.
-"Wh-y-y-y Mr Bootroyd, what's a wild imagination you's got!"
-"But Miss, my da tols me that those pigeons in white, blue, and red cames here and they feed off the lam, and then theys name the town after it, pigeons the Orleans, Miss".
-"What yer talkin' aboot, nigger boy, you's be talkin' aboot the French, ya thick shite", cried a voice from the front of the class".
-"Shut up Michael, yer mick twat, you's don't even belong in this country", replied LeRoy angrily
-"You wanna say that again, nigger boy?"
LeRoy looked like he was about to get up from his seat when Mrs came, sternly.
-"Now's stop it, both of you's, you's not going on wi' that in here".
LeRoy started to look pale, four black boys against twenty four white kids, he'd be lucky to get a broken leg.
Chapter 4
-"I just says those pigeons are the runts, the doves are the pure breds", Lennie says after the school time.
-"But's how did they founded Ne' Orleans if theys runts?", replied Soloman,
-"Well you may's be ugly, but that don't mean you not top brass, up here I mean, I says It's about what yer like up here", Lennie pointed to his head, "not on the outside".
-"What yer guys talkin' about?", snapped Sam, with LeRoy following.
-"Where were you?"
-"Those micks from the last tracked us, the claptraps, managed t' slip through Ol' Nic's backyard, only a negro knows his way round there", Sam chucked
-"Too right, brothers", Lennie hugged Sam and LeRoy, Soloman just watched the pigeons.
Chapter 5
The dust had dropped that night, and LeRoy didn't come back home, his brow scanning for prawns along the misty coloured waters of the Mississippi. More sticks came and passed, and those turnips hadn't grown. The trees moaned as the 'ice harvest' crept back, LeRoy was so cold, he had to turn back. Behind him the tumbleweeds stayed still, this time for longer than a week. The ice came, the river froze, and time paused. Da had stared out that same window all winter, looking at the hogs, he didn't know what they were supposed to do but he still kept them, and those turnip bulbs. This year had been better than the last though, the micks hadn't had thrown as many stones at their windows, and LeRoy was collecting more 'stuff', the family were feeding off the lam after 'the integration' had settled.
Chapter 6
School, again, and the boys sat on the back of the class again.
-"So boys, how d' we achieve our dreams, how will you get to where you want to?..." Mrs questioned,"...well we plant our ideas, we stick to them, and let them grow", she continued.
-"Like the turnips, Miss", answered LeRoy.
-"Yes Jesse, like the turnips".
-"..and I'll grow those turnips".
-"You do that".
The micks giggled, LeRoy stared out of the window, he didn't care what the others thought of him. He walked later by the riverside with Soloman, Sam and Lennie.
-"So you got those turnips yet?", laughed Lennie.
-"No!", LeRoy replied sternly.
Lennie laughed, LeRoy looked to the riverbank, where he saw a pink thing, could it be....?
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141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Hey JackBauerwritesbooks,
Well done handling criticism. Hopefully my review will be...um, nicer.
So, I loved how you structured your short story. The minuscule chapters were interestingly laid out. I appreciated that. Also, thank God for a long short story! Don't get me wrong; there's some fantastic short-short stories out there, but what a relief to find a normal-lengthed one!
I'm in a very thorough mood concerning my reviewing at the moment, so excuse the way I pull small things up. It's all constructive, trust me.
Before everything else, your story may be racist, but if you like, I can list the amount of authors who have written on the topic. It may be harsh and it may be cruel honesty, but isn't that what we do these days? We write about genocide, murder, abortion and adultery. As far as the rulebook seems to go, racism is fine to write about. It isn't necessarily your own view, rather, your narrator's. (For those who would like to argue, Google Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness.)
Chapter One
The tumbleweed tumbled down
First line. Great to see you've started with an action. I'm not sure if the repetition of 'tumble' was deliberate. If so, lovely, that's your style. If not, Google thesaurus.com and go nuts.
Also, in case you haven't noticed, the entire paragraph is one sentence. One. Wow. Always try to avoid having more than one 'and' in a sentence. You don't really need to rewrite this section, you just need to throw a couple full-stops in. The paragraph will still flow.
A suggestion is, because we're talking tumbleweeds here, to make your paragraph tumble[i/]. See the relation? Messes with my head too.
You have no idea the delight when you read a piece of work that does this. To do it, I would suggest unreliable sentences. That is, of different lengths and a chopped-up flow.
Completely up to you!
Chapter Two
'stuff' I know it seems understandable to throw a vague word like that to avoid a certain other word. But trust me, it seems a little unprofessional. Just say it.
-"Jesse!? Jesse!? Is that you Jesse!?", replied Ma.
You don't need to have a hyphen (-) before your dialogue. Ever.
Also, it [i]is technically allowed, but not encouraged to have both a question-mark and an exclamation-point together. Try to work around that.
u just wait, where's da?"
I recognise you're writing the way they speak, which is very good, as it displays your character very subtly, but 'u', is so not allowed. Please, oh please, replace it with 'you'.
In relation to the way your characters are speaking, I say that it would be worth throwing in some descriptive imagery every now and then, just so it makes it easier to follow. In saying that, however, I have read many novels that work the way you have. It's up to you what you decide.
Chapter Three
LeRoy walked the full 4 miles to his school
4 should be spelt out: four
The class giggled as one, typical of a negro boy, they think.
'typical of a negro boy,' should be in italics, to indicate that that is what they're thinking.
when Mrs came,
Give her a name, just to make things easier. Either it's Mrs. So-and-So, or it is, 'the teacher'.
Chapter Four
Good paragraph, I still feel you may need some setting detail, so that it isn't all dialogue.
Chapter Five
'The trees moaned as the 'ice harvest' crept back, LeRoy was so cold, he had to turn back. Behind him the tumbleweeds stayed still, this time for longer than a week.
Again with the apostrophes.
Also, put a full-stop after the 'back'. And speaking of 'back', you use the word twice. Try to rephrase a sentence to get another word.
'stuff', the family were feeding off the lam after 'the integration'
Apostrophes, apostrophes
Chapter Six
School, again, and the boys sat on the back of the class again.
You used 'again' twice. Rephrase. Also, this sentence seems a bit...I don't know, like you just rattled it off in a hurry.
Personally, if you rearranged it into something more sophisticated, like:
It was school again, and just like the previous day, the boys chose to be seated in the back of the hollow classroom.
That's just an example, but it is probably good to notice how the classroom was described, rather than just saying 'the room'.
The micks giggled, LeRoy stared out of the window, he didn't care what the others thought of him.
Replace both commas with full-stops, and it will sound a lot better.
He walked later by the riverside with Soloman, Sam and Lennie.
Like the previous sentence, this one seems hurried. I would put it on a new line, and rephrase. You can't really rush into 'later' so abruptly.
Also, your end line, I must say, wasn't very good at all for a short story. Don't get me wrong, this whole piece is great. The ending line, however, isn't.
Unless you plan on continuing, (and making it clear that you are), you need to finish smoothly.
The idea of a pink thing is new and unless it's a rhetorical question, the question-mark is never needed as the last character.
Anyway, I will leave you there.
I apologise for the length of my review, but I sincerely hope it helped you see your work from reader's perspective. I admire your technique and look forward to reading more. Best of luck editing!
NightWriter x
Thanks very much, It's good to have some proper constructive criticism, I'll certainly take yr advice on board, once again thank you!
x
this is just borderline racist, not awfully written but some words were repeated and others were hard to make sense of. try to improve description and story plot, because this didn't make much sense to me.
I understand you did this whole thing in just under an hour but you could've read through it a couple times.
4/10
and that 4/10 is generous
Thank you for yr comment, I understand the mistakes I've made and it was merely teething troubles, I was rushing that night too trying to get a first accomplished short story done, next time I will have taken all criticisms in and improved greatly I'm sure, so thanks