by JaceClayton

Published May 18, 2011

Comments & reviews · 3
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JaceClayton Comment
JaceClayton commented Comment · Jun 20, 2011

Hi, Sporks! Thank you for reviewing this chapter. I really value the opinion of everyone on this site and am extremely glad when people decide to view my work. Yeah, I've gone over this story over and over, and Kate does get away too easily. It seems...almost fake in a way. I'll work on that. As for her not getting involved with the authorities, that's still to come. I didn't completely leave out the law, which I'm sort of surprised that I didn't. Thanks again! I really appreciate your critique. :D

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SporkPunk
Review
SporkPunk wrote a review Review · May 31, 2011

Hi there, Jace! I'm SporkPunk, and I'll be reviewing this today. I haven't read your other chapter, but after reading this I want to. :)

Technical Stuff

She inadvertedly played with her blue sandals with her toes, seeming somewhat anxious.

"Inadvertently." Also, I think since something that occurs inadvertently conveys a sense of accident, you might want to change the word. Perhaps "absentmindedly."

about the transfer of the vase, with which Kate was going to interfere.

Just a simple grammar correction. :)

If I was transferring a billion dollar vase, would I honestly be wearing a sun dress and blue flip-flops?

Kate now seems kinda...not-so-smart because a vase worth a billion dollars would have some significance and she thought it was no different.

“Come on, come on!” she insisted.

Agh! This is really cliche, first off, and second insisting isn't quite the connotation you're going for, I don't think. I think she'd be more fervent.

Plot
Okay, so I can't say anything about the events preceding. However, it seems that Kate got away extremely, unrealistically easily. This isn't a good thing. You should perhaps show more of a struggle, or realize that Oliver would call the authorities and they'd be able to track her down eventually. :P Evading the police would make for a good subplot. Other than that, this isn't bad.

So, overall, you're good on grammar but there were a couple places that could have used work. Also, the plot is interesting though not entirely realistic.

Keep writing!
Sporks



I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec