Thank you so much for your interest, Quasi! And you're the first person to like my choppy style haha. I tend to use it a lot. I don't know why, but I've always been intrigued by choppy sentences. It always drew me in for further reading and yeah haha. I do need to tone down my describing. As I mentioned in a comment in the Action/Adventure page where this is also posted, it's a severe flaw I tend to excess. All questions will be, in the end, answered in due time :]. As for the man being attractive, he's just that. Attractive. No special reasoning. He's just nice to look at, really haha . Thanks again for your support! It means a lot :].

- Jace

Hi, there!

I should kick off by letting you know that (I think) you've got a seriously riveting and action-packed story on your hands. Sometimes it just doesn't get better than huge accidents and mass hysteria, you know? Your cold open to the crux of the immediate conflict is effective, engaging, and basically rocked my world. I wanted to read more, and even when I did that there were so many potential issues immediately introduced that I was insatiable. I definitely would have kept reading had the excerpt not ended.

I also think that your dialogue complements the tone of the piece really well-- I like that it's choppy and your choice to cut many of the tags.

My other favorite thing is the fact that you didn't hesitate to introduce the reader to all of the different problems your characters are facing, despite the fact that it's a short scene in a limited space. I think I would have been a little more hesitant to get engaged if it had been only the scene of a wreckage, or only people with amnesia, etc....the fact that all the interactions and realizations pile on one another contributes to the chaos, and it gives the reader a lot to latch onto.

I will let you know that, while I think that your dialogue works with the tone that you're trying to establish, I think there were places when your choice of description dragged you down. While your action in itself is snappy and harsh (the repairing of the dislocated arm, for example), you make a lot of choices in the prose that slow the piece down. The opening three paragraphs are pure angst-filled exposition, and you're relying on adjectives to establish a state of confusion and fear that your action does a wonderful job of stirring up in itself just a few seconds later. As your reader, I'll tell you that learning that neither of your two introductory characters could remember their own names piqued my interest a lot more sharply than having the description inform me of some of the characters' physicality.

So I'd say: have faith in your action! The scene would read very quickly if it were stripped of some of the extraneous physical exposition.

I'm so curious, though...why don't they remember? How'd it happen? Why is the man so gorgeous? Definitely caught my interest.

Thanks!
Quasi