Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Action / Adventure

12+ Language

Action short

by Jab481223


Running down the street, The man held back a sob. He wasn’t prone to crying, but today was an exception. When all at once there were bullets buzzing by his head. He turned the corner and ducked behind the dumpster for just a moment. Trying to understand what was happening. The winded man, Gasping for breath and struggling to prevent the tears from coming out that were burning at the back of his eyelids. For just a second everything slowed down as he recalled the events that had taken place that day.

*gasp* the man arose with a start from the ear piercing sounds of a baby crying. “it's your turn” his wife informed him with a laugh “I already changed him twice while you were deep into dreamland”

He rolled over to see his alarm clock and saw the time. “Shit! i'm late!”

“what do you mean? you’re off today it’s Saturday.” His wife calmly replied as she lied the jeans she had just folded onto the foot of the bed.

“I was supposed to meet an old friend at 8! it's already 9!” He irritatedly replied as he pulled on a clean shirt and grabbed the folded jeans off the foot of the bed.

“Why haven't you mentioned this to me? Is this friend a girl?” She asked suspiciously.

“It didn't come up I guess it's no big deal and no HE is a friend i’ve had since i was a kid and i don't have time to answer any more of your paranoia induced questions you may have. As i already told you, I'M LATE!” He said as he grabbed his keys and wallet and a suspiciously already packed backpack that he then threw over his shoulder. “I’ll be back by 7, love you”

His tires squealed as he sped out of the driveway. He slowed down as he approached the street and reread the address sloppily written on the beaten up index card. 4283 walnut street. He began to read the numbers off the mailboxes “4280, 4281, 4282, Well where the hell is 4283!” he paused “Wait, no, that can't be it...sighh..sure enough it is”

He parked the car on the side of the road and approached the large house. The house was 2 stories and had severe fire damage. The house looked like a strong gust of wind could cause it to collapse. The man bent over and squeezed through the debris that partially blocked the doorway. “HELLO!”...“RY!”...“YO! YOU STILL HERE MAN!” The man sighed and turned to leave. When all of a sudden rylie screams “Aye! would you shut the hell up...Damn, you tryna get us both killed!?” The man soared through the air in fear. “What the hell took you so long any way?”

“Dang you scared the crap out of me man” The man replied.

“Well?” Riley said.

“Well what!” the man said annoyed.

“WELL, what took you so damn long?” riley questioned.

The man began to explain “Oh… Uh.. Funny story actually-” Riley cut him off “I'm sure it's hilarious but we got to go they probably already know we’re here”

Riley threw the man his bags. “Follow me”

The man followed “They?Who is ‘they’? How do ‘they’ know we’re here”

Riley didn’t answer and hopped in a truck parked out back.

“wait what about my car?” The man said.

“You can forget about yo rich white boy ride” Riley replied

“THAT’S AN AUDI R8!”

“Man quit yo’ whining and get in they're probably close” Riley said

Gun shots rang off obviously near by. The man saw his car burst into flames as the shots got closer. He jumped in the truck as riley floored it. The truck was silent besides the sounds of squealing tires as they made sure the people were off their trail. As the silence held they stopped at a gas station and bought a soda and some snacks. They climbed back up into the truck when finally the man broke the silence. “Okay, now do you think you could explain to me what's going on? PLEASE”

“Alright, so, you ‘member when we were in 5th grade and you were having your birthday party and your mom made you invite that annoying kid jimmy isaacs and your dad started cussing a yelling at him cause he spilled his punch and the kid pissed his pants and ran home.” Riley Said.

“Yeah.. how could i forget..”

“Well...the next part you don't know”...”so apparently he didn't know our names, he thought my name was kevin and your name was Riley. So while we were at school the next day.. his dad knocked on my door and my dad answered… and he was high obviously… i guess he was havin a bad trip or some shit…”

“Well what the hell happened” Kevin said

“M-My dad killed him” Riley responded.

“So-so-so what? Jimmy is- what? trying to kill us for something our dads did 25 years ago?” Kevin said panicked.

“No. Jimmy is a wealthy businessman now, CEO of Chevron”

“Then what?” kevin restated

“He’s hired trained assassins to kill us or take us to him or somethin” Riley informed Kevin.

“Shit man, my wife and my son! I just left them alone! We got to go get them. They aren't safe!” Kevin exclaimed.

“I'm sorry Kev, we cant, thats exactly where they'll expect us to go. we have to leave the country. You can't see your family again.” Riley said.

“Man forget you! I won’t leave them… i have to go get them whether you help me or not” kevin retorted as he grabbed his pack and got into the truck. Riley got in the truck and said “you gone be the death of me you stupid cracker.”

They pulled into the driveway of Kevin’s. He ran into his home terrified of whayt he would see. Every picture was thrown off the wall and lied shattered in the floor. Every drawer had been emptied out. The house was empty. They had beaten them there. As he dug through glass to grab a picture of his son and wife he saw blood. there were drops of blood leading out the door and down the street. He saw his wife's shoes being drug into a building down the street

Riley opened the door and saw what had happened to the house. “Im so-” When all of a sudden kevin jumped up and ran out the door. “KEV!”... “where you goin man!?”

Running down the street, Kevin held back a sob. He wasn’t prone to crying, but today was an exception. When all at once there were bullets buzzing by his head. He turned the corner and ducked behind the dumpster for just a moment. Trying to understand what was happening. The winded man, Gasping for breath and struggling to prevent the tears from coming out that were burning at the back of his eyelids. For just a second everything slowed down as he recalled the events that had taken place that day. He snapped out of it. Choked back the tears deciding his wife and son would not die today. He pulled his pistol out of the back of his pants, pulled a lid off of a tin trash can in the alley and sprinted across the street while people continued to shoot at him. As he approached the doorway he'd seen his wife being drug into his trash can lid failed to protect him from a bullet and the bullet struck him in his right shoulder blade. he screamed in pain and stumbled in the door.

Riley- realizing what was happening drove up to the door with his gun and assisted kevin. they ran down the hallway and up stairs. once they got to the top the hall way split. both ways was a door and 2 guards that looked like bouncers.they split up. riley went right and shot twice to the head. those two were dead. meanwhile kevin ran down he was shot at. he hesitated and shot one in the chest and the other he shot once in the leg and twice in the head. They were dead now too. behind riley's door was a crib covered by a blanket and another door. behind kevin's door was jimmy and two more bouncer-like guards. When Riley heard Jimmy’s voice he ran down to kevin's end and told him to go get his son and check out the other room. Kevin hesitated to leave Riley. Riley insisted he go and make sure they're ok. Kevin ran down the hall faster than he’d ever run in his entire life.he ripped the blanket off the crib and made sure his on was okay. he opened the door and saw his wife balled up in the floor. he ran to her side. There was no holding his tears back now. She had a bullet wound in her foot but nothing more. he led her and his son to the truck and told them to wait there he said he had to help riley and hed be right back.

Kevin ran back upstairs and to the room with riley. just as he walked into the room a guard grabbed him from behind. Kevin realized riley hadn't entered the room yet he was still crouched, hidden in the hallway. Jimmy told the guard to release kevin and pulled out a gun and pointed it at him. Just as jimmy went to pull the trigger Riley dove in front of kevin pushing him out of the way. During all this Kevin pulled out his pistol and shot jimmy twice in the head.

Kevin ran over to Riley and wrapped his belt around riley's waist to stop the bleeding. He lugged riley down the steps and drug him up into the truck.

“Quick get us to the hospital!” Kevin exclaimed to his wife


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
518 Reviews


Points: 7546
Reviews: 518

Donate
Sun Jun 26, 2016 1:10 am
felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

He wasn’t prone to crying, but today was an exception. When all at once there were bullets buzzing by his head.
The second sentence is a fragment.

Trying to understand what was happening. The winded man, Gasping for breath and struggling to prevent the tears from coming out that were burning at the back of his eyelids. For just a second everything slowed down as he recalled the events that had taken place that day.
This part also has a few sentence fragments.

saw the time. “Shit! i'm late!”
Well where the hell is 4283!”
If you're going to use language you should rate your story for language. There is a lot of swearing in this story and also a lot of violence. You need to rate if for language and violence.

“what do you mean? you’re off today it’s Saturday.”
You need to capitalize the beginnings of your sentences and there should be a comma between "today" and "Saturday".

Grammar and Punctuation

The winded man, Gasping
"Gasping doesn't need a capital.

saw the time. “Shit! i'm late!”
the "i" in "i'm" needs to be capitalized. You have a few places through out the story where you need to capitalize words.

There are quite a few places in this story where there isn't capitalization and where words have been spelled wrong. A quick read through to pick out the mistakes is all that's needed.

Overall thoughts

This was a pretty interesting story plot and with a little work it could be really good. You need to put in more description for the most part and a proof read is also needed. Other than that though, it was pretty good. :D

Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D




User avatar
86 Reviews


Points: 10071
Reviews: 86

Donate
Fri Jun 17, 2016 4:33 pm
reikann wrote a review...



Alright.
There are some glaring issues with this work.
Firstly, the rampart lack of capitalization and punctuation, liberal coating of grammar errors, and sporadic formatting makes it hard to read. Even if you don't care, you can't make it that obvious that you don't, because if you don't, no one else will either.
You name the protagonist halfway through after leaving him nameless for no discernible reason, yet never name his wife. I would suggest either naming him at the beginning or never at all, unless there's a good reason to name him in the middle.
There are some plot holes, but they're difficult to notice under the rapid pace of the action and plot.
On the positive side, some of your action scenes work. You know to use powerful words, which is good, for an action scene.
In conclusion, I think you should look over your work before publishing. Sorry.





This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot