When dismembering a body, remember to wear gloves, preferably the latex gloves that doctors use. This was taught to me by simply looking at the ignorant people who get caught for murder and seem so enraged about it. Otherwise you’re the idiot who didn’t bother to keep your fingerprints from touching the body and pale floral clothing.
Before dismembering the body, make sure that the subject is truly dead. You wouldn’t want the screams to reach the neighbors, would you? It’s best to bash their head in or snap their neck, but if you choose to go so far as decapitation, remember that having the subject remain unconscious is always the best choice — unless you like their screams, but only if you’re well and truly alone which you likely are if you’re driven to the point of murder. This is not written from experience.
When actually murdering the subject, be in a clean work space or at least somewhere no one will find evidence. White walls made of fabric are not the way to go. If you do it in the woods, do it near a murky lake or bear cave far from civilization and make sure that no one knows where the subject has gone. If you take the subject into a house, do it in the kitchen next to the fake wood cabinets and linoleum tiling. This way all of the blood can be cleaned up easily with some rags and bleach. Don’t forget to use some febreeze or candles to cover the smell, and if you’re a man the pungent smell of your B.O. and Old Spice will do just fine. We all know that last statement is true.
After everything is done, stuff the pieces of the subject into a plastic bag — double bagged is best since you don’t want any leakage — and into a plastic container. You know the ones. Your wife made you buy them to store your old football memorabilia from high school when you were this close to being a quarterback in the NFL. Everyone you know will now be able to see just how much of a failure you are not, despite what your wife may have said. Make sure that the lid is closed tighter than the cap of a shaken coke bottle and duct tape it if you have to. Take the bin and drive it to the furthest dumpster, or cliff if you can find one of those, to dispose of it and be sure that no one sees.
In a couple weeks when people ask where the subject went, simply say thats she left you. Her things need to be gone by that point too. If family begins to question, deny knowledge of anything and when the body is found after it tumbles off of the back of the trucks or floats to safety on the river at the bottom of the cliff, deny knowledge of that too. When you’re caught because of that kiss you foolishly placed on her cheek and the blood you forgot to scrub from the grout, go to prison with grace. It’s from your own stupidity you wannabe football player.
The house will go up for sale and these instructions will find it’s way into their hands after they find it shoved into a corner on the top shelf of a forgotten closet. So remember, when dismembering a body, remember to wear gloves, preferably the latex gloves that doctors use.
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140,101 Literary Works • 672,999 Reviews
Hi.
I love the dark humour here. Horror and humour are clearly united in this work. I found the piece to be entertaining, but also instructional. (Not planning on killing anyone, but if I were, then this would be the guide I would use.)
You seem to have a very sick sense of humour and you write with a cyclical narrative that makes the meaning of the story even stronger.
You should write more like this.
Well done.
Very dark, but funny. I wasn't like cracking up and stuff but ya know I was like chuckling. I loved the whole step by step stuff, I thought that was pretty funny especially since it was about dismembering a body. The little jokes here and there were really funny how it was just a casual thing but on a not so casual topic. You should really make another one about something else dark but of course make it funny. This was great, good job
I liked it even though it was really dark. I would suggest that you make another one about not being caught after the body and stuff are dumped.But my favorite thing was all the step by step instruction.
Hey there! I (oddly) had a lot of fun reading this piece. I think this was a great idea for a little morbid humor.
Great work! I'd love to read more like this!
The only structural advice I have is maybe the third paragraph should have come first. I think it would have flown a little more smoothly if the instructions started with the murder. I love that you bring it back around with the "latex gloves" sentence, but maybe it could have started with "When murdering someone, remember to wear gloves..." Just a thought!
Other than that and a few left out commas, I really enjoyed reading this and have no complaints! Totally made me giggle.
This was an amazing story! The idea was hilarious, and I like the thought that went into this, as well as a few self-chuckles! This is funny, but kinda with a twisted humor. I like how you gave the entire story a checklist kinda thing. Basically you made it a step by step guide! In fact, that is exactly what you did! I love the entire story and thought you did an amazing job on it!
Hello JaBurton! CHRISSY321 here with a very dark review!
*Happy Review Day!*
I loved this! All of the step-by-step instructions are just hilarious. I love horror, and this seems to be like the perfect guide to a murder. The way you put your humor at the nd where he gets fought and you call him an idiot is priceless! It is great to see someone like me! I can see myself writing stuff like this.
There is just one thing I would change:
" It’s best to bash their head in or snap their neck, but if you choose to go so far as decapitation, remember that having the subject remain unconscious is always the best choice — unless you like their screams, but only if you’re well and truly alone which you likely are if you’re driven to the point of murder. This is not written from experience. "
The last sentence in the second paragraph, I would add to the end, and not put it there. I t seems that if it is there, you are ending it. If you move it to the end, it makes more sense! I just think it sounds like something you would put at the end, like a foot note, it would make the reader laugh!
Overall this was hilarious, but dark- just the way I like it! Keep Writing stuff like this! I will be sure to read it!
That's actually a rather good idea but I'm torn. I hadn't thought to add that at the end because I viewed the tail-back to the latex gloves as a wrap, but I see what you mean. I'll read it to my friend as see if Red-Bean likes it (one of her many nicknames) because I'm pretty indecisive with changing the end of my stories (even a little).
Thanks for the review!
No problem- thanks for giving me something great to review!
Hey there, Sounds of Silence here, dropping you a quick review.
I absolutely loved this piece. Is it bad that was ginning the entire time? Really, maybe I'm just a morbid person, I did find it to be pretty humorous. I can just imagine some person, maybe they'll have a few screws loose, bringing this up as if someone had asked them.
You opened and closed the piece with the latex gloves. Personally, I liked that a lot. I thought it added a lot of character to the story without being too repetitive.
Keep up the great work!
Thanks! I aim to make people smile with my (kind of) morbid humor. This makes me very happy that you liked this! Thanks.