An abyss of broken dreams, hidden in the depths of hate, among the heartless, forgotten and broken.
Shouting, Screaming, Unheard and alone in the company of themselves. Self-contained war, waged atop a plateau of shattered hope. Giving in to the darkness and breaking free of false hope.
Inches from death, miles from life, yet alive; Black hearts bleeding of wishful white blood, filling up the shallow trench of emotion in which constructs a sense of moral belief. Guidelines among the stars, written for the future, from the past and ever ignoring the present.
The one who looks on; asking for belief, the one who believes; asking for a savoir, the one saves; asking for death. Caught up in naught but emotionless entanglement, on the edge of the abyss. Hidden, a vicious cycle of deceased life among those who sell their mind away to the wretched grasp of societies knotted hand. Reject the norm, the savoir proclaims in silence, unnatural limbs torn at by that in which is unforeseen.
Broken dreams, desperate to be whole, to live out among the young and steer them down an unforeseeable future. Hidden in the depths of hate they may be, but guided by a light of joy, Destructive to only those who suppress its need, and itself. Shouting, Screaming, Unheard and alone are we in the everlasting war upon the plateau, hovering above the edge of the abyss forever in our deceased life.
Forgotten.
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Like craz33me, I'm wondering if you intended this poem to be formatted this way, or if the text editor ate your line breaks. If you did intend this poem to be more prose-like, then there's a couple of odd capitalizations that really stand out as feeling out of place. There's also how the language itself doesn't strike me as being particularly poetic.
Since prose poems lack the benefit of formatting to signal that they're poems, the rely wholly on the language and poetic devices used within. I'm really not seeing either poetic language or devices.
What I do see are some misspellings and misused words, combined with overly-wordy metaphors. Rather than say "sell their mind away to the wretched grasp", "sell their minds to the wretched grasp" means the exact same thing, only clearer and more concisely.
The more distance there is between elements, the less of an impact they have; considering that one of poetry's main goals is to impact the reader, lessening the impact of your piece by using unnecessary words really weakens your piece.
I recommend making this more concise, to strengthen the words you already have, before incorporating more poetic devices and language.
So true... I think thats how most people feel, they can act like they love life but truely feel lost inside. You should keep up the good work.
To start off,
is my favorite line. It just reached out to me. Lol. I really liked this poem but the format is what I'm not so sure of. It might throw some people off but then again, its your poem. I really enjoyed this poem and I could feel the power behind the poem. Keep writing.
Did you intend for it to be that format?
I would suggest a different one, but only because that's my own personal preference.
But other than that I liked it.
Sincerely,
Ciara<3
That's really good! I love how you end it by just saying one simple word, yet it sounds so powerful! I love the descriptiveness of it all aswell, well done