This is part of a collection of 100 short stories, some more like rambles. It is for a challenge on LJ that I never officially entered, since I don’t have a LJ account, but am completing anyway. They supply a list of 100 phrases/words that are to be your prompt. Using the same character, you write something on them.
Currently being edited.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Heya
happy editing!
This was very well-written, and really, really heartbreaking. You've excellently displayed the emotions of the girl, and how she feels about her parents. You had me hooked throughout the entire story!
You start it strongly, and end it even more strongly, which makes it a very good piece of writing. There isn't much that I commented on, because it was excellent, though there are some things you could work on. If you leave it the way it is, it is already very good, so there is no hurry at all in your editing. It's awesome.
I'm actually not sure how to express how strong of a piece of writing I found this, but I guess me being speechless says a lot
Hope my review is of use to you
XxxDo
Thanks for the review!
I'm actually going to rework this a lot. I hate how it is now, and have several suggestions on how to make it less essay-like and more story-like. I'm just lazy and haven't gotten around to it yet.
So, thanks for the review, but this will change a lot.
~JFW1415
I thought this was great.
You got me hooked from the beginning, and left me hooked until the end.
My only complaints are a couple of sentences that sounded awkward:
That definetly just didn't sound right.
Also:
Putting the bit about Matty at the end, it was as if you forgot about it so just added it in on the end, just change the sentence order here.
Finally:
This confused me a bit. I think if you said "she heard him say it everyday" I think that would work a lot better(:
My one other problem was the beginning and end. They sort of contradicted each other. In the narrator's head they were perfect. But at the end you say this isn't reality. The end was a tad too poetic, and didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the story.
Apart from that I loved it, vivid, engaging description. You really left me wanting to read much more. I wish it hadn't finished!
Personally, I like the end. It leaves the reader room to imagine what the parents are really like. It was very good, so keep up the good work!
I couldn't find any mistakes, but I really don't think anybody above the age of 6 thinks this about their paents, and it was obvious your character was over the age of 6. But I did like it. I like your writing style, and I thought it was sweet.
I'd love to know more about the 100 short story challenge. Do they give you topics to do? Do you think you could PM me about it?
Sorry I can't be of more help, but I don't think you should change it at all.
A few quick suggestions first -
She would read Matty bedtime stories before he went to fell asleep [This is awkward. Perhaps 'before he went to sleep' or you could make it more descriptive like 'before he closed his happy blue eyes and drifted between dreams, lulled by her soft, gentle tones'], and would place a blanket over me when I fell asleep studying late at night.
He would sneak into my room every morning, his shoes in hand in an attempt not to wake me.
He would give Mom a kiss on the [s]check[/s] cheek, telling her that she looked beautiful.
He would ask if I needed any help [s]in[/s] with my homework.
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To be honest, this wasn't great. You spent too much time dwelling on the stereotypically perfect parents rather than how hers are. You wasn't specific enough for the reader to be able to imagine an exact opposite easily. My main suggestion would be to re-write this as shorter, more detailed but with less information and then to expand it to include how her parents really are. And you do more telling than showing. Maybe you could write about a day's events rather than such a general piece. Show her parents as they are but have her making notes in a diary or something about how they should be. If you want to show her with a cynical attitude, have her talking back at them, reading out parts perhaps. How old is she? Young or immature enough that she might write a story about herself being adopted by new, wonderful parents and tell her actual parents about it?
Or maybe you could have a scene with just her and Matty. Maybe she tries to cheer him up by telling him fantasies about how they will be adopted by wonderful people. You could have things like -
And Mother will tuck you in every night and read to you and -
"But mother never does anything like that," Matty protested. "She never ever reads to us."
"Our new Mother will," I promised. "She'll be slightly plump - but surely not fat and her hair will be spun from gold..."
I just think you could portray the characters better. And you should describe the setting more. Hope this helps,
Heather xx
Yeah, I thought this was quite interesting and nice to read but maybe have a more gripping beginning. Something that would make the reader want to continue on. That's my only suggestion. Otherwise, I liked it a lot! Great Job!
Hello!
The flow here isn't the best; try adding a "after" before "studying." Also, I don't really like the repetition of "fell asleep" maybe you can make the first one just be "went to sleep" because it's kind of strange to say "went to fell asleep," methinks.Nitpicks first...
That should be "cheek" rather than "check"
This sentence (though grammatically correct) is a little awkward. Maybe try changing it to: "He would place a kiss on my forehead, then creep back out, repeating the process again for Matty before putting his shoes on in the hall."
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Other than that, I think this is pretty good and I only have two major suggestions:
1. Add more description! There is hardly any description, which makes it difficult for the readers to picture the characters/events clearly in their minds. Don't only add visual description, either, make sure to put in some description of smells and feels... what does the mother's perfume smell like? How about her fresh bread? And the father's stubbly chin when he gives kisses, does it feel scratchy against the kids' cheeks?
2. You tell us that this surrealistically wonderful image of parents just exists in the girl's head... but you don't tell us anything about how it actually is for her. Maybe you can try hinting at it a bit? Like saying "Even if Matty or I spilled our fruit juice on the tablecloth, the mother would just smile sweetly, and clean it up. She wouldn't yell, and our father would never threaten us with a raised fist." If you add something like that (that's just an example, of course, you should think of your own) it will imply that her REAL parents DO yell and threaten with raised fists. You savvy? ^_~
I want to see more of this! Please PM me when you post another one... or if you have any questions/comments about my crit, of course.
I hope this helps!
~Azila~
I didn't think your hook was that great. Nothing struck me about it. There was nothing original. You have a good writing style, and the rest was interesting, but I feel as if you should have gone on a little more. Who IS Matty? WHEN did he begin to feel this way about his life? WHY are his parents such plastic people? These are the things that haunt me...
I think you should really expand it. Show her cynical, bitter outlook on the fact that this fantasy of hers can not possibly exist. Like it thinks it's too "good for her or something".
I've tried editing the last line; is it any better?
I thought this was lovely. I love the way you show us her dream.
I do have to add that I also think that that last line is a bit... myeh-ish. But apart from that, I really enjoyed it.
Thanks for the reviews!
Lakegirls: I'll check over the other things you said, but these are just 100 short drabble type things about her for some challenge. I just show a tiny bit of her life, and tell more later. Besides, I was hoping people would get that her parents were actually the opposite of what I described. I'm not sure if people got that, though.
Thanks!
~JFW1415
Hi,
This story was very interesting. It kept me hooked. It would be cool if you added on more and told about your own parents and told who matty was. There were a few spelling mistakes. Otherwise it was fine.
Keep Writing.
-lakegirls*
Opps. I didn't realized that...haha...so yes that's the only thing I've noticed was the first thing. Sorry.
Oh, and good luck on your 100-short story challenge!
Thanks for the review! Yeah, I wasn't completely sure about the ending...I'll ponder on that for a bit.
If anyone has any suggestions about the last paragraph, I'll gratefully take them; I'm at a bit of a loss.
Also, I wrote 'AFTER repeating the process for Matty.' He puts the shoes on after he says bye to Matty.
~JFW1415
Hello. Hmm...I wonder why no one hasn't critiqued this?: smt064 I only noticed two things actually.
Okay...why would he put on his shoes only to take them off to go into Matty's room?
Also...I don't really like the end. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest it's a bit too...I don't know...cynical and informal? I don't know but it seems to break away from the theme.
Anyways...I loved the way you portrayed the American Dream family...it was so interesting..