Author note:
This is a Halloween special. It contains "scary" themes. If you are not comfortable with those kinds of themes, then DO NOT READ. It may leave you feeling uneasy. (I do assure you, this is fictional.)
A woman and a man were at a casino.
"Last call for players! Last chance to join!"
Yelled the blackjack dealer.
"I'm in!" said a man in the corner. His wife giving him the side eye, he stepped up and sat down.
For those who dont know how blackjack works, For those who don't know how blackjack works:
The goal is to get as close to 21 as possible without going over. You can hit to get another card or stand with what you have. Whoever has the highest total without going over 21 wins.
"I'm goin' all in." The man laid down his cards. The total added up to 19.
The blackjack dealer froze and coughed. Shaking his head, he laid down his cards.
"ONLY 17!" The man exclaimed
That was another 250 in their pockets. This was a very big deal, because the man and his wife had saved up just enough to take a day trip here and then drive back home at night. The casino did have a hotel attached, but they could not afford that- before the win.
"Babe!" The man walked over to his wife, and they walked over together to cash in the chips. "Lets stay tonight."
Her face lit up.
They registered for a room at the counter, then on the way up to their room, they passed the slots room. at least 100 slot machines lined up on the 4 walls.
"Imma play real quick. With some of the winning money."
"ok, but dont blow through it. we need money for gas and the hotel room tomorrow morning."
he said ok, but then about 3 hours later, he comes up to the room where his wife was waiting and told her that they had to leave, cause he could not pay for the room anymore.
"WHAT? uggggg! You are kidding me!?" his wife was furious, but there wasnt anything she could do at this point.
About halfway to the ride home, the car sputters and breaks down. They barely had time to pull over to the side of the road.
"What happened?" his wife rolls his eyes.
"We ran out of gas." Remember, they literally have no more money. Maybe 5 dollars. max. "But! There is a can in the back"
The man got out and looked around at the back. Then he just stopped breathing, or walking, turned around, and said through the window in a very strained voice:
"I'm gonna have to walk to the nearest gas tank" And walked off
His wife was like, " What is wrong with him? But ya know, he was tired, so she locked the doors and drifted off to sleep.
3 HOURS LATER, she wakes up to hear scratching on the roof of the car. She brushes it off as a branch, cause the car was by a jungle. She was way too tired and groggy to think about anything else or register the fact that, ya know, her husband was not in the car, and they were not driving home.
Around an hour later, she wakes up and still hears the scratching, but realizes that that is not what woke her up. There were 2 police cars blocking off the road, and an officer with a megaphone, telling her to get out of the car, get in theirs, cover her ears, and look away. She was way to paniced, just did what she was told.
Bang. Bang. BANG, BANG, BANG!
That's all she heard.
She looked up, thinking it was over, then just screamed.
What happened that night was:
A scrawny woman (Or maybe something worse) saw the man and thought he would be a real tasty snack.
She choked him to death, then ate him on top of his own car, while his wife was inside!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,628 Literary Works • 675,279 Reviews
I sorta was going for a storytelling feel rather than a story, so I wasn't gonna go into super detail.
I have an idea tho
hey hey!!
I feel we know what happened here, so that's an easy fix.
I think here the bolded words were unnecessary, you could have done good without them.
Here, I think instead of using numbers, you could use them written out, like, one hundred or four.
You are doesn't flow as nicely as you're does, also generally speaking in stories writers refrain from using "!?" because it's a little too much, if you use just "?" it conveys the same emotions.
I think the premise was great, as charvi mentioned it could use more details. Your story writing skills are a little dusty, but practice makes perfect :)
~ yuuki the dinosoor
Hmmm, the story has a nice plot overall, but I think you were a little reserved with the details and descriptions. This could be spun into a really good story, but it needs to be a little longer to give you room to add more detail. For example, when you tell us they get a hotel room, you could describe the room and how cozy it looked to the wife, so that having to leave it feels more impactful and her reaction feels more natural. Alternatively, you could show more of the husband's game.
One thing you should definitely work on, though, is your dialogue and sentence placement. I'd also recommend describing the actual incident and entity a little more.
Overall, the raw idea behind this was good, but I'd work on lengthening your work without sacrificing its quality.
And yes, the idea has potential—just give it a little more room to breathe.
I'm not sure that you noticed, but you repeated the same sentence twice.
This feels unnatural in a literary setting; instead, it could go like this: "His wife groans and rolls her eyes. " She already knew he was going to blow it,t so she isn't surprised and doesn't need to speak.
His wife rolls HER eyes???
Why is the narrator speaking to us directly like we're a live audience? This bit feels unnecessary and can instead be replaced by an action the husband does.
gas station.And HE JUST LEFT HIS WIFE THERE?! Red flag!
I don't know about you, but I'd be like, "OH HELL NAH!"
Is the casino in Las Vegas?Because there are no jungles near Vegas.... like at all.... just desert...
If the thing was still in the car when the police got there, why would they tell her to get out of the car? More likely, they would shoot the thing, then get her out of there.
Okay, I'm going to be completely honest here. This reads like we're sitting around a campfire telling ghost stories, and not in a good way. I felt like I was hearing this story from my little brother.
I think there needs to be some more detail in here and better transitions. Right now, everything feels clunky and unnatural. Regardless of your writing style, you need to let your writing flow instead of trying to force it all out in one sitting. It's okay to take some time on it.
Another thing I noticed was that you sometimes mix up the pronouns of the characters, so I would go back through and fix those.
If it were me, I would make it way more intense. You have this warning at the beginning, preparing us for a crazy story, but it was a bit underwhelming; don't be afraid to make it super dramatic.
Keep working at it!
This was a really interesting story to read because I honestly did not expect it to turn into a horror story when I first started. The beginning with the couple at the casino felt almost lighthearted, especially when they won money and decided they could finally afford to stay at the hotel. I liked how that small win eventually became part of the problem, because the husband starts gambling again and loses the money they actually needed. It made the situation feel like it was slowly getting worse without the characters realizing how far it had gone.
The part where they run out of gas also added a lot of tension because by that point they had almost no options left. I especially liked the scene where the wife wakes up and hears scratching on the roof. At first, she thinks it is just a branch, but the reader knows something feels wrong. Then the police arriving and telling her to cover her ears made me even more curious about what had happened.
The final reveal was definitely the biggest surprise for me. I wasn't expecting the husband to have been attacked while his wife was sleeping inside the car. I also liked that the story didn't reveal everything immediately and instead gave little clues through the strange events before explaining what happened. Overall, it was a fun and creepy read, and the ending definitely stayed in my mind after I finished it.
Thank you
Its fine, i really like this short story. Keep writing!
Thank you! I have a first draft of my first 9 chapter of my book Dark Waters.
Yeah i will read it. Actually i kinda like your profile pic heheh 😁check my peoms too if you like to
Thank youuu! I love it too; can't get over the cuteness. (I even set it as my Spotify profile pic 😏
I will!
Hmm:)