This is my final time, I fear;
Luckily, not a single burden I bear;
There he comes, an old friend of mine:
Nor is he a friend, nor is he a swine;
I reach for his hand, my pain will be gone;
I shut my eyes and say goodbye to the dawn;
Something is wrong, he won’t grab my hold;
This nightmare can’t happen, I’m a high man of gold!;
Beneath lies my body, wrinkled and grey;
Oh God have mercy to you I pray!;
Higher I fly, above the waters of despair;
Only with no help nor wings to wear!;
Please have mercy, I beg to you my Lord!;
Please hear my wail, my sacred chord!;
But no pleasant nor comfy travel it was;
Across the countries of hope and sorrow, I crossed;
When to a cliff I came, tired and sorry;
I tripped at the peak, and fell with a tiresome worry;
Into the shadow, into the light;
Deep down, I fell, with a cry of fright;
But suddenly two hands to me were shown;
I can’t believe this, my hopes were blown!
One was dark and evil as night;
T’other was smooth, silvery and bright;
I stretched for both, but alas, I could not reach;
I must choose for whomever I faithfully preach;
Alas the silver I took, but a regret was soon to follow;
The helping hand was naught but hollow!;
It didn’t rescue, nor did it guide;
It shone as bright, but the exterior did lie;
In panic I was, my head was a wreck;
I turned to the other, hoping it would help with a beg!;
But as I gazed at the hand of demonic force;
It turned into naught, but a flying horse!;
White as the snow, unspoiled of fear;
It flew towards me, my saving was near!;
But as cruel as fate can be;
It turned away, unburdened and free;
It left me in the dark, cold prison of misery;
Oh - all of this life of mine, I regret so bitterly;
Naught could be done for me to be saved;
Satan, only corrupted souls of pure he craved;
Now it’s over, my sins I’ll forever bear;
I become the creaks and noises, that no one hear;
Only the horrible songs of the lost, I’ll sing;
‘Till the chimes of Armageddon, one day, will ring.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Oops!!Sorry for posting it twice..t'was a mistake though.And by the way looks like your new here.So WELCOME to the YWS Dude!!!;)
Hey,JBangsgaard!!
Lily here for a review.It's a really good poem that actually drags you into imagination and puts you into the writer's pathetic situation.Loved the way you showed your misery and the pain that's filled in you.But I guess there can be a few changes that you can make.Firstly you can maybe divide the poem into different stanza's that'll make it more attractive allowing the reader to read it much easily and clearly.
"This is my final time, I fear;
Luckily, not a single burden I bear;
There he comes, an old friend of mine:
Nor is he a friend, nor is he a swine;"
Good thoughts,but there's a little bit of confusion.Your second line says 'not a single burden i bear' than why is the poet seeking forgiveness? Didn't those lines mean the poet is free from all the anxiety's and care's of this world.I think you can work on that part.
The last two lines are confusing too..I read it over and over but seems like i didn't get what you are actually trying to convey. The third line says 'an old friend of mine' and the fourth line is contradictory to that 'nor is he a friend nor is he a swine '.
"I reach for his hand, my pain will be gone;
I shut my eyes and say goodbye to the dawn;
Something is wrong, he won’t grab my hold;
This nightmare can’t happen, I’m a high man of gold!;
Beneath lies my body, wrinkled and grey;
Oh God have mercy to you I pray!;"
I must say these lines are very strong in imagination.They are artistically portrayed.A thumbs up for that.
"Higher I fly, above the waters of despair;
Only with no help nor wings to wear!;
Please have mercy, I beg to you my Lord!;
Please hear my wail, my sacred chord!;
But no pleasant nor comfy travel it was;
Across the countries of hope and sorrow, I crossed;"
The first to lines are pretty good. Maybe you could make a change in the third line 'Please have mercy I beg to you my Lord' can be changed to 'Please have mercy I cry to you my Lord' . Because the word 'cry' depicts a deeper agony and pain than beg.
"When to a cliff I came, tired and sorry;
I tripped at the peak, and fell with a tiresome worry;
Into the shadow, into the light;
Deep down, I fell, with a cry of fright;"
The beginning of this stanza is very pitiful. Brings a thought of sympathy in the reader's mind. But the third line' Into the shadow,into the light' got me confused. Doesn't it have to be something like 'Into the shadow,into the dark'. To could also try for some better sentence as the one I showed might break your rhyming sequence.
The rest is good.I just hope doesn't relate to your real self..because I guess it's unimaginable to live with all that stuff going in your heart and mind.
But guess what it's never too late for "FORGIVENESS";)
Loved your work...impressed actually..kinda artistic views though.Keep posting.
Hope my review was helpful.
-Lily^_^
Hey,JBangsgaard!!
Lily here for a review.It's a really good poem that actually drags you into imagination and puts you into the writer's pathetic situation.Loved the way you showed your misery and the pain that's filled in you.But I guess there can be a few changes that you can make.Firstly you can maybe divide the poem into different stanza's that'll make it more attractive allowing the reader to read it much easily and clearly.
"This is my final time, I fear;
Luckily, not a single burden I bear;
There he comes, an old friend of mine:
Nor is he a friend, nor is he a swine;"
Good thoughts,but there's a little bit of confusion.Your second line says 'not a single burden i bear' than why is the poet seeking forgiveness? Didn't those lines mean the poet is free from all the anxiety's and care's of this world.I think you can work on that part.
The last two lines are confusing too..I read it over and over but seems like i didn't get what you are actually trying to convey. The third line says 'an old friend of mine' and the fourth line is contradictory to that 'nor is he a friend nor is he a swine '.
"I reach for his hand, my pain will be gone;
I shut my eyes and say goodbye to the dawn;
Something is wrong, he won’t grab my hold;
This nightmare can’t happen, I’m a high man of gold!;
Beneath lies my body, wrinkled and grey;
Oh God have mercy to you I pray!;"
I must say these lines are very strong in imagination.They are artistically portrayed.A thumbs up for that.
"Higher I fly, above the waters of despair;
Only with no help nor wings to wear!;
Please have mercy, I beg to you my Lord!;
Please hear my wail, my sacred chord!;
But no pleasant nor comfy travel it was;
Across the countries of hope and sorrow, I crossed;"
The first to lines are pretty good. Maybe you could make a change in the third line 'Please have mercy I beg to you my Lord' can be changed to 'Please have mercy I cry to you my Lord' . Because the word 'cry' depicts a deeper agony and pain than beg.
"When to a cliff I came, tired and sorry;
I tripped at the peak, and fell with a tiresome worry;
Into the shadow, into the light;
Deep down, I fell, with a cry of fright;"
The beginning of this stanza is very pitiful. Brings a thought of sympathy in the reader's mind. But the third line' Into the shadow,into the light' got me confused. Doesn't it have to be something like 'Into the shadow,into the dark'. To could also try for some better sentence as the one I showed might break your rhyming sequence.
The rest is good.I just hope doesn't relate to your real self..because I guess it's unimaginable to live with all that stuff going in your heart and mind.
But guess what it's never too late for "FORGIVENESS";)
Loved your work...impressed actually..kinda artistic views though.Keep posting.
Hope my review was helpful.
-Lily^_^
WOW. THIS WAS AMAZING. I just could not stop reading this masterpiece. It rhymed, it had amazing punctuation, with great uses of words such as 'naught' and 'preach'
This poem was simply wonderful. Please keep writing even more of these great poems, I really enjoyed this one and i'm sure I'll enjoy even more!
As I said, keep writing!
-Ross
WOW. THIS WAS AMAZING. I just could not stop reading this masterpiece. It rhymed, it had amazing punctuation, with great uses of words such as 'naught' and 'preach'
This poem was simply wonderful. Please keep writing even more of these great poems, I really enjoyed this one and i'm sure I'll enjoy even more!
As I said, keep writing!
-Ross
Hello! my name is MagicAce and I like to review as I read so lets see how this goes
First thing I saw was in the beginning "This is my final time, I fear;"
I think it should be out like, "I fear that this is my final time"
or something like that.
towards the beginning I see "there he comes, an old friend of min;"
you must have pressed caps lock of something because on the end of it you had this : instead of this ; but that's okay.
other then that I cant really find anything else other then you might wanna read it again, their are some commas here and their that done NEED to be their, but still I liked what you wrote good job and keep on writing, I hope I could be of help to you
MagicAce out!
PS sorry this review could not be long but I have to go, have a nice day!