Heavenly Oblivion

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was an interesting little story...definitely had a very defined arc to it and that ending especially asks quite a lot of questions...hmm...well, certainly was quite interesting.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A church was perched between a collection of trees and perpendicular to a disintegrating road that ran down through small neighborhoods of rotting homes. I was inside of the maroon brick building, sitting on a pew awaiting the sermon. It was quaint, the building, and few people were inside. Most of them were aging or sickly or both and many carried small cloths that they gripped tightly, and coughed into.

The rear doors opened, and I turned towards them and saw someone. My godfather entered, wheeling with him a man, who by his attire, seemed to be a pastor. He wore a black dress shirt with a white band wrapped beneath his collar. He too held a cloth that he would frequently cough into.

I was on a streak of spiritual denial, and in my mind nothing, not the words of my godfather or the yelps and threats of damnation, would end it. Many times over, I would sit through sermons, and temporarily feel vitalized with the “spirit”, until I left through the doors of the Church and have my memory of the experience erased and my thoughts of rebellion and sin revamped.

My godfather spotted me isolating myself from the people and the things around me. He walked over, and stared at me endearingly. I was not much of a sight to see, however; I was slouched in the pew haphazardly, and wiggled my fingers together and squeezed tight fists.

“Are you ok man?” he asked.

I didn’t answer, but for the pure need to comply in some form, I looked up to him and smiled. He was always a rather tall man, but today he seemed towering, like a lone building among the rubble. Even when I smiled, I was sure he knew the answer to his question. I brought my head back down towards my lap, and began my normal rituals of sleeping with my eyes open.

The surrounding elderly and sick would gather themselves, and then walk to the pastor. They would lean down towards him in his chair, and hug him, or kiss him tenderly. He would whisper to them, and then beckon them away, which left a soft grin decorated on their face. The walls around me were stale, and with a stained hue, they cracked more and more, as the church aged rapidly. The air inside was filled with a must that lingered, and left the church as a living cemetery. I looked towards the ceiling and was overwhelmed by the harsh light shining from the hanging chandelier. At a last attempt at comfort, I twisted and turned on the stiff wooden pews, but to no avail. I finally stretched my legs against the dusty wooden floors, and submitted.

Then, the service began, and led me farther and farther away from the presence of any sort of “spirit” and towards the ultimate cycle I was trapped in. Until, my godfather took stand behind the altar, and began to speak. His words were thunderous and shook the walls of the church. The pale walls began to glow brightly, the air around me became a divine mist, and the chandeliers seemed to float on only the twinkling light that was coming down upon me and then only from the raw holy manifestation of the church and the spirit.

I once more tried to find comfort on the pews, until I realized I was floating on a plump white cloud among the elderly and sick, with my godfather shouting words of righteousness and heavenly oblivion.

Hello! Anna Rae here for a review

I really enjoye reading this piece! There were a few rocky sentences that you'll need to put in their place (most of them were in the critique below) but overall, this was a great read!

First, the not-so-good-stuff:
•I agree that the first sentence wasn't all that superb. I would have liked to read something a bit more hooking. Start us off with a sentence full of energy!!
•and I also have to agree with the use of synonyms in the first sentence. No, no, no. Maybe insteaf say that the houses were broken down, instead of being rotten. That will add more diversity to the beginning
•some of your sentences tend to run-on. Just read through the piece, and I'm sure you'll find the ones I'm talking about

Now onto the good stuff!

•you have really good description! It was actually my favorite thing about this story. That, and your amazing word choice! I love the way you write, and the sentences have a nice flow to them. You have the talent to become a great writer
•I liked the slow progression of the piece. Some people take short stories, and march them along too quickly. I think you did a good job at keepin it slow

I'd love to read more from you!!! Keep writing

~Anna Rae

First sentences are extremely important. I have to say, I didn’t like yours.

Words like Disintegrating and Rotten - I know you are trying to convey a message, but reading words with the same meaning more than once in the same sentence really slows things down. There isn’t space in there for any story, or progression.

Another thing:

It was quaint, the building, and few people were inside.

Read that aloud. It is awkward and messy.

Why not simply:

The building was quaint and few people were inside. –

So far, this is my favourite sentence:

My godfather spotted me isolating myself from the people and the things around me – it is concise and tells the reader far more than any sentence littered with excessive description.

However, in places your descriptions are excellent. Furthermore, the story itself is engaging and interesting.

I like this too:

His words were thunderous and shook the walls of the church – very simple but I am left with a clear image.

In fact your work improves significantly towards the end of the piece. I enjoyed reading this. There is a lot of potential in there, just remember to revise, revise and revise some more.

Ben