Published February 12, 2014
Ch. 1 Woods
A frigid wind blew across my face as I walked through the woods. Gabby should have been here now. We are planning a runaway. Britney, the school bully, bullies both of us. I have a scar on my stomach because she threw a pair of scissors at me. I remember it too much.
'"Quinn give me your lunch money or I will beat you up."
"No, it's my money!" "Well we'll see about that!" She grabs Lucy's scissors and threw them at me.'
I shutter. I remember how to pain had pierced my stomach like an arrow.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a faster moving object. A flash that suddenly disappeared behind a tree. The figure stepped forward.Gabby had arrived. She was skinny with nice, long, silky hair. She is a gazelle when she runs through the woods leaping over the fallen down trees. She had been one of my best friends ever since we met at the orphanage. I was five and she was four. I looked at her and she looked at me.
'”Friends?” I said. She nodded. “Do you talk?” She shook her head. “Let's be friends.”'
I now find it interesting that I talk a lot, yet we still get along.
"You have the supplies," I asked. Gabby nods. Our plan had been simple. We stuffed our backpacks with food, money, and other necessities. Then instead of heading to the bus stop, we ran into the woods and met. It had been hard because of the orphanage helper. She walked all the orphans to the bus stop. Then she walked back. I said that I left my science show-and-tell project in the woods and that I needed to get it. Gabby said that she had a stomach ache and went to the orphanage. After that she snuck out the back door and ran into the woods.
"Can we leave?" asked Gabby. She spoke more often than she did as a child.
"Yes, we will arrive in Newark by Thursday, but lets get moving"
Ch. 2 Kuishi Kwa Matumaini
"We need to move on, Gabby," I said. The snow was coming, and we needed to find shelter. On our walk, we passed a mother duck and her small brood of ducklings. I wish I had been that happy as a child. We walked deep in the woods looking for a place. Finally, we found it. It was an old tree house with moss growing all over it. It was probably built by some teenager looking for fun. The tree was an old sugar maple. The house had a rope and a trap door. It was big enough for us to sleep with our stuff. "Bing!" I got my phone out of my pocket. It was my sister. She was the only other person that knew about the runaway.
'U found shelter?? Love ya❤ btw Leise doesn't really care that u and Tomey r gone I miss u Melinia'
I started to cry. She was the one of the only people I could talk to.
"It's ok," said Tomey. I sniffled. “Kuishi kwa matumaini”That was what my mother always told me. I meant “Live with hope” in Swahili. My mother was from Kenya and my father was from Vietnam. My father died because he was on an airplane that go attacked by terrorists. My mother then got killed by pneumonia. So I was left all alone with no one, but my mom's old friend Malisia. Her daughter was Gabby. She knew what we were going through and indulged us. We had candy and plenty of toys. Then Malisia died of cancer leaving Gabby and me stranded at the orphanage. My mother would always say that to me. She said that to her friend when they were earning money for food and water. Gabby and I may have to do that now.
Ch. 3 Intuition
Gabby and I got the blankets out of our bag and got comfortable. It was about 70 degrees at night so we were fine. We knew that it was getting colder so we started to collect some fire wood. My family would always go camping in the summer so I know how to make a fire.
"Ok Gabby let's go to sleep." We fell into a deep slumber.
The next morning I was ready to explore, but Gabby wasn't in favor.
"Stay!" she would whisper when I was climbing down the ladder. I listened because she is pretty much always right. Then I heard cracking leaves. Someone was coming. Gabby and I ducked at the sound. We knew if we were found, it would be bad. I peaked out of the window and saw Britney. She lived in the mansion on the other side of the woods. She had a gun with her, and I realized it was an air-soft. It was still very dangerous. Jośe Malo had one at orphanage. I felt a tickling sensation in my nose. ACHOO!
Ch. 4 Caught
Britney looked up at the tree house.
"RUN!" I scream. Gabby sprung into action first. She jumped out of the window, and I followed. She was much faster, and I lagged behind. We ran as fast as we could. We leaped over the big boulders. Finally we reached Fallen Tree. It is a huge area of (you guessed it) fallen down trees.
“Hurry” Gabby yelled. Then Gabby tripped on a stump and fell behind. Britney grabbed her pocket knife and swung at Gabby.
"Ah!" Gabby screamed in agony. The knife had cut a deep gash on part of her neck and cut 10 inches off of her hair. Fighting through the pain, Gabby ran on. I could see the blood leaving a trail behind Gabby like a large red stream chasing after her. Life said that we had had enough and sent Britney back. We had lost Britney. When we stopped running Gabby was pale.
"Gabby! Gabby! Can you hear me?" Gabbyy fainted, and we had no one to help. She was losing a lot of blood so I rapped an ACE bandage around her head. It would help for now. All I could do is wait. The silence was deadly.
Ch. 5 Help
The terror hit me like a bullet. Gabby could die right in front of me. "HELP!"I screamed. I picked her up and started looking around. I walked around until I saw a small hut. I peaked inside the small window. There was a girl about 3 years older than us. I knocked on the door. The girl opened it.
"What do you want?" Said the girl.
"My friend got cut with a pocket knife in her neck. Can you help us? I think she needs stitches." She motioned us in and laid Gabby on a bed of leaves. She got a box out from under a log. There was a needle with a string.
"I can verify that she will need stitches. This a pretty serious wound, but I'll do my best."
"Okay," I said. I was nervous, but the girl stitched her up just fine.
"Oh, by the way, my name's Linelle; I'm 14 years old. I think you guys ran away like me. This lady Leise, the orphanage helper, (yes an orphanage) was mean to me and called me a brat. She slapped me in the face, too. I hit her back. It made her seethe with anger. That ended in a huge fight."
"Wait, you are the Hitter? I'm from that orphanage!" I said. There was a rumor about a "Hitter" who hit Leise. I thought people told that story to frighten us. They said that no one saw her again.
"Yes. That is why I ran away. I came here." She pointed all around her. I admired the way she acted like this was her home. It was just a little cabin in the middle of nowhere.
"Huh?" Gabby had woken up.
"Tomey!" I screamed in excitement.
"Behind!" Exclaimed Gabby. I looked behind me. Linelle screamed.
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Hello JAM4242,

Happy Review Day and welcome to the one and only Young Writer's Society! This is Magenta here to write for you a quick review. I'm glad to see that you've already submitted something, a great work I must add. I offer you my assistance, should the time come. Just summon me!
I must agree with GoldFlame here, you write extremely well. As for your age, I'm not sure how they knew that, but no matter, your writing is great.
I like the style of your writing here and I think you do well with short stories. There were a few sentences that are unnecessary and you could certainly take them out. But all writers have some strengths and weaknesses. Some sentences could have done without a few extra words. For example, this sentence:
"Britney, the school bully, bullies both of us."
Instead of using the word "bully/bullies" twice in a row in the same sentence. We know that if Britney did anything to you, it would probably be bullying. You could reword this sentence perhaps by saying "Britney claimed us as victims of her bullying". Something like that. I know that you could reword this better than I, but I just gave an interpretation that might help you form another sentence that would be more improved.
"I have a scar on my stomach because she threw a pair of scissors at me. "
It seems that you have changed this sentence from before. I think that you might not be so telling?
Wait, that probably sounded strange. I just think that you could use more imaginative sentences. Nothing big, just a suggestion that I am sure you will take into consideration. For the sentence above, I would say something like,"The scar on my stomach is only a token of the pain I suffered from her hand". That might be a little too dramatic but I know that you'll find that right use of these words.
""Ah!" Gabby screamed in agony. The knife had cut a deep gash on part of her neck and cut 10 inches off of her hair. "
I would consider spelling out the number "ten" here. Other than that, I think that you've written a descriptive piece which was very well done. I hope to review some of your other pieces, when they are published, of course. Great job!
~ Magenta
Thanks!
Hi LLZ here.

"No, it's my money!" "Well we'll see about that!" She grabs Lucy's scissors and threw them at me.'- "I the two separate speech marks (if you get what I mean) on to two lines, not next to each other.
Apart from that it was amazing. The description in the story kept me hooked and the story line is original and different to what I've read before. It's different and a good read.
"Gabbyy" you've included two "y' s" instead of one- an easy fix.
Good job and keep on writing
From LLZ
Thanks
This is very good.
The descriptive language stops it from becoming boring.
It pulls the reader in more and more which is veryy good!!
I'm excited for more to come
Thanks LanaO!!!!:)
Welcome to YWS! Any questions, just send me call
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You write extremely well for your age. I can't recall much of what I wrote when I was eleven, but my descriptions were far more rugged. Each (of yours) was carefully crafted, passive voice occasionally breaking through the active. However, I'm struggling to see how some of your expressions correlate:
Gabby arriving hurt so much?
This could be fixed with transitioning. Not just transition words, as you're taught in class, but paragraph breakings...or maybe a "he entered my field of vision" or "I swiveled around to face her." Play around a bit.
I'd also suggest leaving some more room open for interpretation.
We know that being hit with scissors hurts. Why not "pain spiked in my stomach"? Same with "I was scared. Gabby could die right in front of me." Why not discuss her accelerated pulse? Her scattered thoughts? "Scared" is also an elementary term; you want your writing to sound as fresh and advanced as possible.
While pretty, this is a cliché opening. The article "the" also suggests that this frigid wind has been discussed before, but that's impossible, as this is the opening sentence.
I also caught some typos, unnecessary quotation marks, numbers that should be spelt out, capitalized speaker's tags, redundancy, and tense inconsistency. But those can be fixed on your own, and I doubt that they're anything more than mistakes.
Keep up the good work! I can see true potential in this.
Thank you so much for all of this help. I will work on these things and post more of the story. I was so happy with all of this positive feedback. I was scared that this was a dream and not a possibility. Thanks!
No problem!